Two

Second chapter in Life of a Klutz.

I heard the music Mamma Mia echoing in my dream. The theme music just didn't fit with the context. When one is being chased by the axe murderer from your new book you don't really expect ABBA to provide the music. As the music continued I was pulled from my dream, brought to the surface of awakening. When I finally  broke the surface I realized my phone was ringing.

I turned over to lay on my back and only succeeded in falling off the bed. "Uahn" I cried as I fell off. On the way down my head hit the bedside table. "Ow." I said aloud, rubbing my head. Then I began to laugh. This was a morning ritual for me. Every morning I would wake up and fall out of bed, literally.

One morning a couple of months ago I hit my head so hard I had to go to the hospital to get stitches. As soon as I walked into the emergency room a couple of nurses I knew by name shook their heads grinning and inspected the wound. It's sad when you go to the hospital so much that the nurses know you. One nurse has been working in the emergency room for close to twenty years. He still remembers when I would come in frequently as a child.

After I stopped laughing enough to remember my phone I answered it still giggling slightly. "Hello?" I asked realizing I had forgotten to look at the caller ID.

"Don't tell me you fell out of bed again this morning?" A female voice said into the phone. It was Laura my sister-in-law. She'd married my brother four years ago and they live in Pennsylvania now. Farther away then I ever have wanted to live. I guess that my brother was so besotted with his wife he was willing to move to her since she doesn't really like the hustle and the bustle of the city.

"I do it every morning." I said smiling broadly. Those who know me really well always tease me about it. The truth is, I can't help it. My body is a magnet for sharp objects, blunt objects, baseballs, basketballs, and the list continues. My dad says that I should just walk around with mattresses covering me so I won't hurt myself and I always point out that I would find some way to hurt myself. It just happens. I've learned to live with it. 

"You need a husband," Laura said, "That way he can catch you before you fall out of the bed." Her voice was laced with humor; she knows about my unfortunate engagement from when I was eighteen. Still she insists that I need to get over my aversion to men and try again. When she says this I merely say, 'I don't have an aversion to men, just romantic relationships.' It's true. I like men, they are great friends, its the romantic part that I don't like. 

"I'm just fine with falling out of bed. I enjoy having this moment with the bedside table, it brings us close together." I said the words with a haughty attitude. Laura knew I was just teasing her so it was okay. 

"If the only thing you're getting close to is a bedside table, you need therapy. Charlie, why don't you give one guy a chance? Just one date?" Laura turned on the begging tone. I was just glad that I wasn't there with her. If I was she'd turn on the puppy dog eyes and I almost gave into those once. Almost.

"Because that would be breaking a promise." I said confidently, I had given this speech many times over the past eight years. "I never break a promise."

"Who did you promise you were never going on a date again?" Laura asked in disbelief. Even though she'd been married to Johnny for four years she hadn't heard the speech yet.

"Myself." I said simply. It was true. I had even written it in my journal and on a piece of paper which is now framed in my apartment.

Laura sighed over the phone. "Okay, I'm not going to argue with you about it now. I have good news for you though." She said her voice fast, she sounded happy, no not happy, elated.

"What's the good news?" I asked curious now.

"Well I guess I have two things of good news. The first is that my medievel fair is coming along and that I will be ready by the time all the tourists are set to arrive." She took deep dramatic breath. I was anxious to hear the news and I wanted her to hurry up with her theatrics so I could hear what her other good news was. The thing about Laura, is that she's so patient that she loves to make people who aren't as patient as she is, suffer. And suffer big time. "The second bit of news, is..." Drum roll, please, I thought. "I'm pregnant!"

It took a moment for the word to settle in my brain. When I finally comprehended I shot up off the floor in excitement. "Really?" I cried happily. My head began to pound and my vision became even more blurry then before. I had stood up too fast in my excitement. I quickly sat down on the bed and realized to late that I hadn't sat down far enough back. I slid back down to the floor before I could catch myself.

"Yes! Did you just fall down again?" Laura asked I could almost see her shaking her head and rolling her eyes at me.

"Yes." I said like a child caught with her mother's perfume on.

"Charlie, what are we going to do with you?" Laura asked in a tone that suggested her motherly insticts were kicking in. They tended to do that quite frequently around me.

"I don't know. Just imagine how clumsy I would be if I hadn't had twelve years of ballet?" I wondered aloud. That was a scary thought.

"I don't even want to think about it. You'd be locked in a government lab while they tested you for problems."

"That would be scary, maybe they'd take me to Area 51 and I'd get to see the aliens." I said stroking my chin thoughtfully.

"I don't even want to know where you get your weird ideas from." Laura said. "Well I just thought I'd call and give you the good news. Oh, and Johnny wants to know if you're finished with your book yet. He's been dying for the last chapter."

"I haven't finished it yet. I don't know how to kill Detective Bradshaw. I don't know why, but I just can't seem to think of a good way to die. He's a good guy and I'm thinking something of a martyrs death, but I can't think of anything. I've been looking back in history and I almost had him killed by someone other then the real murderer in the book, but I decided against that. I just opened up too many doors. Doors that I don't want to explore." I sighed and closed my eyes, they weren't doing me much good anyway. "Tell Johnny he'll have to wait."

Laura laughed, "I'm sure he'll be happy about that." She said. "Oh, Charlie I've got to go, the people who are setting up the arena are here. I need to direct them in their duty. Love you!"

"Love you too." I said and hung up. I groped with my hand on the bedside table to try and find my glasses, and finnally found them. I was glad they hadn't falled off when I'd hit the table when I fell out of bed. If I did then I would have to feel my way to the bathroom to put in my contacts, and that was always an adventure. It got even worse when I accidentally put my contacts in the wrong eyes.

I put the glasses on and immediately my world when from a mix of undefinable colors blurred together into crisp focus. "Much better," I said and stood up losing my balance an ran toward the door in an effort to stay upright. I did and caught myself on the door frame. I pulled myself up to my full six feet and then walked calmly toward my tiny New York City kitchen.

I banged my right hip on the counter hard as I walked in and rubbed it as I got the orange juice out of the fridge. I opened the cupboard and narrowly missed my head with the door doing so. The glass decided it wanted to jump out of my hand and went rolling across the counter toward the bread box. I grabbed it and set it right. Then poored the orange juice into it.

Once I had downed the first glass and poored myself a second, I went over to my computer. It was still on from the night before the little cursor blinking at me, waiting for me to imput my ideas. Nothing was coming, it was going to be a long day.

***

Laura and Johnny Harper walked across the large field hand in hand as they surveyed the work being done together. Laura was the history teacher at Williamsburg High School in Williamsburg, Pennsylvania. She and her history students had come up with the idea of a Medievel Fair. It was going to have an actual tournament like the they had back in the real medievel times, and they would have many people and students dressed up.

"Did you ask her?" Johnny asked his wife as they stopped to observe the arena were the tournament would take place.

"Not yet. I decided to wait. I'm not really sure how to broach the subject with her." Laura's brow creased. "Any ideas?" She looked up into his smiling face.

"I have some suggestions." He said pulling her into his arms. "First, don't let her bring her own costume."

"Why not?" She asked a frown accompanying her knit brow.

"Because, the last time she went to a medievel fair was when she was in college. She and a bunch of her friends went as Star Trek characters that had traveled back in time. They had gotten the idea from one of the movies, when they come back to get some whales." Johnny laughed at the memory.

"She didn't!" Laura cried astonished. Her expression was priceless, if only he had a camera.

"Oh, she did. I'd bet she still has that costume in her closet somewhere. She would love the opportunity to use it again." Laura groaned,and Johnny laughed again.

"Okay, so I'll make her wear one of my designated costumes. But I still don't know how I'm going to get her to do it. Especially when I tell her what she's going to have to do." Laura began to frown harder. Johnny put his hands on either side of his wife's face and said, "It might be better to just not mention it, at least not until the last minute."

"But would that be right?" Laura asked.

"Not neccessarily, but personally I would like to see her face when she finds out what she has to do." He grinned at the thought. "Let's call her now and just broach the subject lightly. She'll happily do it if we can find the right leverage." At the look on Laura's honest face he decided against lying to his sister. He would tell her exactly what she would have to do. Johnny pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed his sister's number.

"Hello?" Came a frantic voice on the line.

"Charlie?" Johnny asked, "What's going on?" He heard a beating sound in the backgroud.

"Um..." Charlie said as if she were trying to think of a way to back out of telling him. "Can you hold on for just a moment?" Withought waiting for his reply she dropped the phone and he heard a sound that could only mean one thing. A couple minutes later she came back on the line, "Sorry about that." She said slightly breathless.

"You set your kitchen on fire again didn't you?" Johnny asked grinning.

"How did you know?" She asked shock prominent in her voice.

"I heard the fire extinguisher going." He said trying his best not to laugh.

"Oh." Was her simple reply.

"I have a favor to ask you." He said after her monosyllable word was followed by silence on her line.

"What kind of favor?" Charlie asked wary of his tone of voice knowing instictively whatever was coming next couldnt be good.

Johnny started to explain the background part of the favor, "Part of Laura's Medieval Fair is a tournament. I know you know about this, but hear me through. Normally, during the times when this was popular it was hosted at a castle. Women would watch the events and wear their lord's colors. There was also, at times a woman that would grant the winner either marriage, or a kiss. Now-"

"No." Was Charlie's terse reply. She'd known exactly what her brother was going to suggest and she most definately didn't want to participate in it.

"Please, do it for Laura. You don't have to marry the winner, just go on a date with him." Johnny said adding that particular detail spontaneously. This could be a way to get her to date, even if it was only once.

"No."

"Charlie, ple-," Johnny started but never finished.

"I will not go on a date with anyone. You know my rule." Johnny knew that under the icy words fire burned, held at bay by a strong will.

"Then just kiss the winner. Just a small peck if you must." Johnny said grabbing at straws, "Do it for Laura, a favor to her. She really wants you to do this for her. Please? For Laura." The silence that met his words wasn't cold, but calculating. He knew he'd covered some ground.

"Fine! Just one kiss!" Charlie relented.

 

Author's Note

Please ignore the spelling. I get a little too wrapped up when I type and tend to miss somethings. Pleasee review, I would like to hear your thoughts on this writing. :)