Nicotine

“Some thoughts on self destruction.”

I’ve got a sweet tooth for self destructive tendencies
I’d like to chew on a cigarette
I’d like to scorch my words with whiskey
Addictive
Terrible things
Something that’ll numb the aching
As if I was stranded in the cold
Downing a shot to keep me warm
As if I had to pull the arrow out of my chest
Knowing it hurts when it goes in
But f**k
It bleeds when it goes out

Is it better to accept the pain?
To keep the aching in so it doesn’t all bleed out?
Or maybe it’s fate
Time to tie the needle and thread it off
Be done with this tired aching living
Or was I born to die slow?
Like a long drag of the cigarette
Turning my lungs black
Coughing up every word I’ve ever spoken
Wondering why they all come out red

Suffering is my God damn nicotine
I swear I’ll quit it
Right after this pack
I promise I’m done
Until I see a shiny offer and snatch up the pain from the discount rack
I swear
I swear
This time I mean it
But I swear it’s easier to just God damn suffer

Misery sells on a discount price
Buying whatever will save me
Snatching up coping methods with grubby broken paws

Swipe right
Swipe left
You’ll find the one this time
A graveyard full of lonely ghosts
Chat logs abandoned
Paying up to see all the other phantoms
Knowing none of them stick around

I swear
I swear
Love is the cure to my aching
But that’s nicotine too
Pulling a Marlboro lover out of the pack
Or maybe I’m the cigarette
Put me up against your lips
Enjoy me until I’m ash
Then throw me in the dirt
Crush me underneath your doc martens or high heel boots

Buy me
I’m all free
Love me
Abandon me
I’ll take anything close enough to love
Even if it’s sharp
Even if it’s teeth and claws and everything mean
I’d take soft too
But what does a cigarette do with something real?
What does the abandoned heart do with open hands?
Runs from it, I suppose
Because we’re more used to being smoked then loved

Reviews

[willweb]

Wow, that was deep and dark. The feeling of "I don't care anymore" is so strong in your words. I love how this was written, how you used cigarettes as the string that ties this piece together. Really cool.

[Lillian Kirsch]

Thank you. I've been thinking of cigarettes and my own self destructive tendencies for a while now, so I figured I should let it out into a poem.

[Coyote Poetry]

Dear Lillian. When our simple pleasure is all we got. I do enjoy a cigar and two shots of whiskey at 8 pm. We need to feel good my dear friend. I wrote a poem last week. All my friends had settle down and I am drinking alone. But dear Lilliam. I am not lonely. Thank you for sharing your amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Lillian Kirsch]

Thank you for your kind words, my friend, they are appreciated as always. Simple pleasures are indeed all we have, at times, to keep us sane in this ever maddening world

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree dear Lillian and you are welcome.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

love the sixth stanza...brilliant.

I like how you keep the thread of the cigarettes alive throughout this.
following through on metaphor...
I have been this person...burned too many times...running away from open arms.
really excellent piece of writing, Lillian,
j.

[Lillian Kirsch]

Thank you, I wrote this one during a bout of hopelessness that tends to catch me every now and then. I'm glad you were able to enjoy the poem, my friend