Ugly

"A poem about being trans"

I feel ugly

My skin feels too tight

Too coarse

Too constricting

I can hardly look at myself unless I've covered my face with a mask

Because I do not look the way I feel

I wish I was pretty

I wish people looked at me and saw a girl

I hate being like this

Seen mostly as a man

Having to prove my femininity to the world

Face covered in makeup

Just so people will see me as a girl

I wish I had been born a woman

Born a little less heavy

A little softer

But I'm stuck in this terrible body

Pulled around by the hands of dysphoria

The strong- calloused hands of my own self hatred

My face is too jagged

My chin too square

My facial hair too thick

Body covered in ugly hair

I have too many scars

Red spots which remind me of the ugliness of my skin

I don't want to be like this

For I am trapped in a cage with no key

Carving another day into the ground to remind myself how long I've been suffering

Why can't I just be a girl?

Why couldn't I have had the childhood I deserved?

The same God that created light with a word fumbled over her tongue and gave me the wrong name

The same God that painted the sunset's hands trembled and shook when they made me

And now I'm an abstract mistake

Crafted by the imperfect hands of a perfect God

I wish I could bring God down to me and ask her to give me a body like hers'

Bold

And confident

Strong and unabashedly feminine 

I wish I didn't have to earn my womanhood

I pray to a God that doesn't even exist

Begging her to give me a body that feels like mine

But she doesn't answer

Because she's just a reflection of who I wish I was

And when I sit here on my knees

Hands clasped in broken prayer

I feel more ugly on the outside then I do on the inside

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

And why could God not be female? Anything is possible...
and maybe someday it will be possible that everyone will be accepted for whom they really are....inside.
this is a very strong write...and you are not an abstract mistake....the mistake
is that you cannot be what you really are .
j.

[Lillian Kirsch]

Thank you so much for your kind words

[Ken e Bujold]

Lillian, I live in hope of a day when each of us may be accepted without prejudice or bile for exactly who we are. Each time I read a poem like this I find my hope increasing. The angst you feel is deep I know, I have friends and family experiencing the same turmoil, and I now add you to those I already am fighting for to find their place in our world. It is more than big enough.
Let me conclude by saying it takes a rare beauty, a true flower of life, to put themselves on such display for the entire world to see. You are far from ugly, and don't let anyone tell you differently

ken

[Lillian Kirsch]

Thank you so, much. I am in the middle of emotional turmoil and this review helped uplift my spirits if not ever so slightly.

[Coyote Poetry]

I have know every kind of people dear Lilian. I didn't look at their sex preference. I believe, we decide who we are. We must like ourselves. It is sad. I believe the world had steps backwards and we must ensure it doesn't. We must befriend people who like us, as-is. The poetry honest, strong and powerful. Needs to be read by more people.
Coyote

[Lillian Kirsch]

I complete agree, we have to look at people as they are and love them without judgment

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree dear Lilian. No-one had the right to tell someone, how to be.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Lillian for posting this powerful piece of poetry. It is a message many need to hear and understand on a human level a well as empathetic. I have an older brother, who I consider a hero to me, who is part of the LGBTQ community. He was disowned by my parents when he came out as gay to them back in the late 70's. I loved him than as I do now never wavering in my admiration for him. Because I have always known that it is not an affliction, but a birthright. One is born to love who they love or how they see and know themselves to be. I stopped talking to my mother over 12 yrs now since she said to me about my brother, "I love him, but he's going to burn in hell." That only prove to me she didn't love him, or anyone else that thinks differently than her and her bigoted ways. One can not claim to love God on one hand while on the other holding hate in their heart for those different then them. God doesn't work that way, nor love which is synonymous with the higher ideals some choose to believe in called faith. Love is unconditional; while we humans have conditions we choose to live by. We are fraught will failures and imperfections, but despite this we have the capacity to love greater than ourselves. To be our better angels. Those who think like my mother will never understand this. Be true to you, uncomprising and brave. Those qualities that I see in my brother and profoundly admire and love. CLE

[Lillian Kirsch]

Thank you so much, for not only reading this piece of poetry, but sharing your own experiences with me. I wish your brother the very best, and it means so much to know that there are people out there who care. People who reject the views of their bigoted mothers, or fathers, and love unconditionally. Thank you for you kind and beautiful words.