Drowning

She's drowning; in thoughts of him, in trying to get him out of her mind, in her own frustrations. How will she ever live out her life like this?

She turns her music up so loud

She drowns out her own thoughts

And when that stops working

She simply stops everything and goes to sleep

Anything to keep her mind away

from the dangerous territory she’s blocked off

Every memory of him

The pictures

The poems

The notes

The thoughts

Everything

She’s wiped it clean

Or tried to, at least

It can only last so long

So she turns the music up louder

Takes more sleeping pills

Anything to keep her mind off him

She throws herself into her work

Her teachers are impressed

And also concerned

She’s stopped speaking

Doesn’t make eye contact

Just carries on

Earphones in

Drowning everything out

Everyone out

The days get colder

She gets more distant

Her friends are worried

What has she become?

How long can this possibly last?

They wonder and watch

As she drives herself further into insanity

Solitary confinement

Might as well be at least

She recedes from the world

Completely alone

She has sworn to herself

No one can help 

She never bothers to ask

She can handle it

The music

The sleeping pills

The homework

All temporary

She knows eventually she’ll have to fix it

He’s noticed, too

He’s concerned

Almost more than anyone else

He feels its his fault

Everyone agrees

Except her

She can’t bring herself to blame him

It’s her fault

She knows it

She’s overreacting

And yet

She can’t fix it 

Not yet

The time isn’t right

She’s not ready

not prepared

She’s not set to face the reality

That her happily ever after

Is only a fantasy

More than likely

never to come true

She can’t accept it

Not yet

Not ever

The music is so loud now her ears are always ringing

So many pills the effect begins to wear off

Her world is falling apart

Held together by the fraying strings of her sanity

and the wearing glue of her friends and family

She stares at her wrist

The black and white bracelet mocking her

Taunting her with what will never be

She rips it off

Chucks it across the room

It thuds to the floor

She’s in tears

They won’t stop

The music can’t help her now

The pills won’t work now

She’s stuck

Trapped

In this awful place

With nowhere to go

Nowhere to run

No way to escape anymore

What has she done

Everything is worse

She gingerly picks up the bracelet

With gentle shaking hands

She holds it to her chest

and sobs

She lets it all out

The feelings she’s pent up

The memories come flooding back

The pictures

The poems

The notes

The thoughts

Everything

It’s too much to bear

His smiling face is everywhere

Blinding like the sun

When you stare at it for too long

Except now

She’s looked away for too long

and seeing it again burns a hole in her mind

A hole that will always be for him

And when she’s moved on

and he’s long gone

The hole will remain

Perfectly sized for him to fill

And she will be missing a piece of herself

The piece she gave to him

Without his knowledge

Without her consent

That piece of her is lost

Not with her

No longer with him

He dropped it long ago

When he couldn’t bear 

how much he’d hurt her

Anymore

He let her go

She’d never forget him

He would always be

in the back of her mind

Lurking 

Creeping

She’ll never see anyone

Without comparing them to him

His eyes were brighter

or

His smile was sweeter

Forever

and 

Ever

and

Ever

until she won’t be able to stand it any longer

and she’ll turn her music up loud again

and go back to sleep again

and inevitably

the cycle will repeat

she’s doomed herself now

she’ll always be trapped

bound by his memory

with no way to let go

One day she’ll find a man

Who is just similar enough to him

that the voices fade to a dull white noise

buzzing inside her head

like her loud music did once

and she’ll be married with him

and have a family with him

but she’ll never really forget him-

the one who

caused her so much joy

and so much pain

all in the days of her youth

and although she is older

she can feel the wounds as if they were new

but she’ll curl up with her husband at night

her children asleep down the hall

and ignore it

until she falls asleep

but she’ll dream of him

like she always does

the one place she’s never safe

and her mind takes over

playing with her cruelly

telling her life story had things been different

had she been with him

had things not gone so horribly wrong

had she been braver

had she been stronger

had she-

had she"

and then she’d wake up

sweating

crying

she’d look around the room

at the meaningless paintings

and stupid furniture

and her husband asleep beside her

unaware of all she’s been through

and she’ll laugh bitterly

make a pot of coffee

stay awake for hours

until she can no longer hold her eyes open

and she drifts back into the awful dreamland

the horrible cruelty her mind puts her through

until she wakes up 

asleep on the counter

the sun shining

the hole inside her feeling more hollow than ever

her children eating breakfast at the table

smiling at her happily

and she’ll shove his thoughts away

try to fill herself with happiness

until the night falls again

and she is alone with herself

and she feels so empty again

and every night this happens

she is hardly living anymore

she suffers through every day

until she is old and wrinkled

still thinking of him

this is ridiculous 

there’s no way she loved someone this much,

she tries to convince herself

but here she is

on her deathbed

thinking about the boy

she fell in love with

in high school.

How much more sad can this get, 

she thinks to herself

He is her final thought

before she fades into oblivion:

His smile, so bright

his laugh, so cheerful

his eyes, so full of life

his embrace, so warm

She is so happy

finally getting a rest

from her worst enemy:

herself.

Reviews

[Diana Moon]

Great job! I really like how well it is written.