Its Oh So Dim

just me. trying my hand.

The darkness that holds

on to me

my soul

It flails and flounders
never quite letting me go

it leads me down empty streets
where my shuffled feet
tell me which way to go

to the left there is freedom
to the right a locked door

what's behind door number one
they ask me
pick your prize

no matter which way I choose
I am failed to lose

so I go right
I walk I walk

and
I walk

here I am
knob in hand
but it won't budge

I turn around
the other path gone

gone gone gone

like everything is

the door is locked
what a cruel turn

but the question I ask is
when will I
I
I
ever learn?

the doors lead nowhere
the lights are dim
and I, my darkness,
am my only friend.

Author's Note

Let me know how you feel please. first attempt.

Reviews

[SHEEMA HUQ]

Hi, I think that this is a fascinating rapport with the dimness of light, great work, very well done

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Sad but really well written. It is good for us to look to ourselves for the strongest aspects we can expect to find. But never should anyone think they are alone. Your not I hope you know that, look around here, we all have love for you. this is really a powerful poem, I like to think if there isn't a good door find a window. You are always a good read and thought to turn over. Lovin it hun.

I am failed to lose - this didn't quite fit to me, just something about the way it's worded i think, but hey I'm not the best at reviewing so who knows.
< 3 Jessie

[Aiden]

I think you write lovely reviews, bien-aimé. The line was actually a play on destined to win. I am working on it and I appreciate your honest feedback and help. Merci.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Personally, I really like the way that you work with your line spacing. Things don't have to be neat. Lines should be spaced with the ending of a thought; sometimes that thought is two lines, sometimes eight or ten lines. I studied poetry in college, and I remember just before graduation, my thesis professor told me "now that you've learned all the rules, go out and break them; create your own voice".

I liked this one. Keep working with your emotions and the rest will fall into place. Find your voice and you'll know how things should sound and appear.

[Jessica Gillitzer]

i love the way you define art Friday, so true< 3

[Aiden]

Merci. I sometimes find the short thoughts but squished together lines harder to read. Yours aren't included in that. You are a reincarnation of an old English beauty. I like what your professor said. While we didn't have many rules in painting, the idea was always to experiment. Look into the abyss and hope it doesn't look back.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Truth...

[Larul]

Very nice for your first try. I don't really like how you space your lines. It does bring emotion, but you can display that through better lexicon and grammar.

You have captured a raw, and wild emotion. While seeming that you've just got it to relax. Maybe if you re-edit it, it would be just that much more shocking and powerful.

Great job, keep up the good work. Review mine please!~

-Larul.

[Aiden]

I will keep this in mind in the future. Thank you. I will look at your piece right now!

[Robbie~xoxo~]

This reminds me of one of my favorite songs...

Galileo, by the Indigo Girls..
"How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach the highest light"~

You have captured an emotion that I am familiar with, and still go through...
Nicely penned!... especially for your first attempt.~xo~:)

[Aiden]

That is also one of my favorite songs. They make beautiful music. Although I'd have to say "Power of Two" is probably my favorite. Followed by their cover of Bob Dylan's "Romeo & Juliet".

Thanks!