1. Lost

A Chapter by Lifeistough13

Finding out what Lost really means for me.

I hate feeling like I don't belong. Life doesn't seem to have any meaning. I've never had any sort of meaningful relationship in my life. I'm 21 years old and I've never truly felt love. Love is what binds us all together in a way. When I met the girl who I thought was the girl of my dreams, I never thought I'd be sitting here right now wondering why I don't feel the way everyone said it feels like when you're in love. Maybe I just am not in love, or maybe I don't have the capacity to love. How the f**k do I figure it out? I want to feel something more. Feeling love can be the greatest thing on this earth and isn't it why we are all here. I have been searching my whole life for that one person who makes me forget about the world. It seems I'm just not there yet and that sucks. I wish I knew the meaning of life but I don't and it seems no girl I've ever met does either. Isn't there some manual or website I can go to where it tells me where the girl of my dreams is. I want to experience my core wretching because of the happiness someone brings to me, and right now it's wretching but because I'm with someone and yet somehow I still feel alone. How does that even make sense?

I overthink just about everything in life. From my dress sense to the way I walk and show emotions. I feel so self-conscious around other girls especially. I just feel so f*****g lost! How do I get to where I want to be. I have a feeling that I am not supposed to answer this question until its already been answered. I just want to find that feeling where I can control how my life goes. I've always thought that moving across the world might solve all of these problems, but am I just running away from them.

Ever since I was small, like 4 or 5 years old, I felt as though I didn;t belong and I wanted to get away. I don't even know where I just didn't want to be here. And if I was to try and answer that feeling now, the closest I could get to an answer is how my Dad treated me as a kid. I think I followed my Dad so much when I was younger and never felt love or got strength from him. It made me feel so lost and knowing somehow even at that age, he was never going to be there for me, and it f*****g sucked. It still does. I spent most of my childhood trying to prove to him how proud he could be of me and to this day I still think I'm trying to do that. But the scars of my childhood with him not being there still haunt me to this day. My point here is that I feel so alone and lost but building a community has to be up there for me and this is why I'm sharing my life with others. So my experiences can help those who felt lost and didn't have a place to go or read about.

My hunger to have a purpose is eating away at every part of my life and I think that is why I've felt lost so far in my teenhood and adulthood. The best way I can describe how I feel right now is if I was to throw a ball at a finish line but it disappears and so the ball just keeps on bouncing, forever. Without any hesitation of stopping. or reaching that line. It almost as though feels like an itch I just can't scratch. That has been the most frustrating part of my life. I almost put my effort into relationships because it gives me a sense of purpose, but I'm almost not sure if this is fair. On me and the other people I meet. I invest so much time into others to forget my own insecurities and feelings because I just want to avoid addressing them at all. I have these emotions I just can't control. I feel like I wake up and I'm fighting my feelings constantly. I just want people you know feeling lost, doesn't mean you're alone because you're not. This is why I want to be a place you can read and see you're not alone.