Why I Was Kicked Out of
Twilight
1. Telling Bella, "Wow, you look like death, when's the baby due?" After
she'd already had her baby and changed into a vampire.
2. Slapping Alice in the face and asking if she
"saw that one coming".
3. Loudly thinking about Bella and Jacob makin'
puppies around Edward until he ran from the room crying.
4. Asking Bella why she bothered marrying a hundred
and nine year old virgin.
5. Asking Jacob why he bothered falling in love with
a girl that was obviously the most awkward, klutzy thing ever to walk the universe
with the inability to close her mouth over her buck teeth, and then why he fell
in love with her infant daughter, diagnosing him with a case of raging
pedophilia.
6. Telling Victoria she's a soulless ginger with a
bubblegum face.
7. Making a video of Edward and Bella
super-sparkly-vamped out-animal drinking in the woods, posting it on YouTube,
and calling it, "A New Way to Hunt".
8. Making constant blond jokes around Rosalie, such
as, "What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the tab and
throw it back! *Mee-hawhawhaw!*"
9. Hosting an annual paper-cut party just for
Jasper... wondering afterwards if that was going too far...
10. Throwing a baby shower for Bella, buying all red
balloons with little plastic devil horns on the top that say "Demonoid",
and playing Marilyn Manson CDs the whole time.
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