Mechanical

Song I wrote... only the second one, ever.

Mechanical

His eyes are cameras

Snapping photos you don't want

Them to take

One loose bolt

He's on the edge

And he's going to break

 

He's the

Coldest and Calculating

Critically evaluating

Robotically cruel

Excuse for a man

I've ever seen

 

He's mechanical

A mechanical heart

And absence of soul

No real mind of his own

Run by a machine for a brain

While slowly going insane

How did I mistake

Pure intentions and strength

For mechanical

 

Well you know you've got

Broken wings and a half-hearted smile

But I've known this for a while

Oh God how did I not believe

What was staring down at me

So obviously

Am I so blind not to see

 

He's mechanical

A mechanical heart

And absence of soul

No real mind of his own

Run by a machine for a brain

While slowly going insane

How did I mistake

Pure intentions and strength

For mechanical

 

Because

He's the

Coldest and Calculating

Critically evaluating

Robotically cruel

Excuse for a man

I've ever seen

 

He's mechanical

A mechanical heart

And absence of soul

No real mind of his own

Run by a machine for a brain

While slowly going insane

How did I mistake

Pure intentions and strength

For mechanical

 

Author's Note

hey, so I wrote a song, this was just something I wrote kind of quick, but please review because I still want your honest opinion on what you think of it. :) Also, the beat of this song is what keeps it together, the rhythm is kind of jumpy, you know what kind of thing I'm talking about?

Reviews

[Clove]

This is a good song, it's a good try, i say if you continue writing songs and maybe practice finding the melody, it'll be a good song. Your very creative, and enthusastic writer.

[RachelReaper]

well, I'm not exactly a song writer, its just that this one came to me out of the blue so I thought I'd write it down. But thank you!

[Becky]

I don't normally enjoy reading songs, but I could definitely hear this one. There a few words I probably would have changed, like the repetition of "mechanical" in the chorus, but they grew on me by the end so I'm not quite sure what my brain is doing. I kind of do know what you mean by "jumpy" rhythm, and it's definitely the feel I got. Nice write/composition! :)

[RachelReaper]

well thank you so much :)

[Ethale Captor]

A beautiful write. I am interested in the tune and tempo in which the song would be played, though. I believe it is interesting to mention that it is a song, because with no music, the reader is left to come up with their own tempo and tune, which I like.

[RachelReaper]

yeah, its kind of a song I would image with a kind of off-beat tune, but when i post it without the music I made in the background, people get to imagine it for themselves to be whatever they think of it.

[Ethale Captor]

Creative and different, I like it.

[Irvette Dauphine]

i just read it n i realized that this is a song..
this is very good, great job!
i am very like this :)

[RachelReaper]

:D

[Chance]

Congrats on your win great song!

[Emilie Louise]

It's a very good song, a bit jumpy in some parts but really good considering you just put it together with not much thought, very good you have lots of talent. It is very dark and chilling with good description.

[frivolous treasures]

Wow, dark and chilling. This was one marvelous read!!

[AleyshaRosa]

Fer sure! Some of the best work is written without much conscious thought, and I think this is definitely one of those pieces. The rhythm is very jumpy, but it keep the poem interesting =]

[Felecia]

For some reason this makes me thing of my friend's ex-boyfriend...not sure why ahaha, I don't think he was this bad, but anyway, I love this poem. It tells how cruel some guys can be. One of the reasons I'm afraid to date and get into a serious relationship. Am I straying off topic...? I don't know, sorry ^.^ I like this very much though, I'd love to hear what the beat and rhythm was that you were thinking as you wrote this. It's very good for just a quick right. Thanks for sharing!

[Dominique]

That was a great song. I loved it.

[RachelReaper]

thanx