Dear friend

Finding lasting friendship

Hello, it's so nice to meet you
You've told me what you do,
Your hobbies, your family and your friends too
But tell me friend, who are you
Yes, you're very witty and smart
You've told me you like politics and art,
You volunteer at the homeless shelter
It's almost too good to be true,
You're too good to be true
and I am too excited to meet you.
But I should stop myself
I don't want to later be disappointed in me or you
So tell me friend,
Let's skip to the part where i find out something real about you,
I've seen how cool you are
But let's be realistic now
Tell me about your insecurities and your fears
Come'on now let's have those deep talks,
Show me your tears
I want to unfold your dark side
I want to see it all, your demons
That's when we will start something
Something lasting, something real
Beyond the act, beyond the cool, beyond the evil
I want to see the truth,
the truth in you my friend.

Reviews

[Corset]

it's incredible how you can know someone for years and years and never really know what is really going on behind those eyes. I've said it before, it would be nice if peeps came with ingredient labels. loved this.

[Li]

That would be amazing Corset and so much easier...haha. Thanks :)

[chrysantheranium]

You can tell when someone's been hurt or betrayed when they seek the truth upfront - not that that's a bad habit. I like the insinuation that you don't truly "meet" until truth and reality breaches through the small talk, that socially we cannot be expected to be seen as real until we ourselves are real with ourselves. I hope that whatever or whoever caused you to seek the truth upfront cannot hurt you anymore, and that the new friends and relationships you forge begin with a strong base built of trust, compromise, and everlasting communication. You deserve to meet the ones who will mend those scars.

Great work! :)

[Li]

You always seem to get exactly what I am trying to get across.
Thanks a bunch dear! :)

[John the Baptist]

I hope you didn't say this on the first date.

[Li]

Well, could be an interesting conversation. Won't you say?..haha

[DAH]

Like all things, friendships, too, can pass into the gray, into the night,
into the disappointment, no matter how we try to make them work in
our favor.

Keep Pushing, Li ...

DAH

[Li]

Yes, you know most people seem really cool when we initially meet them but that obviously doesn't define the whole friendship because we later find out things that aren't cool, that make these friends human. So, it would be a good thing to expect these hiccups in the friendship and look beyond that to really know the person because I believe everyone is beautiful at the core eventhough we have a hard time expressing our true self. Therefore, to be able to connect with another in all honesty with the essence of who you are, who ever that is could create great relationships.
Thanks DAH

[DAH]

My pleasure!

[Vin]

Wow! write a conversation between you and that friend.
If you talk all these things in real life, it will be amazing to converse.

LOVE

[Li]

It would Vin...thanks a lot for your comment!!

[Anne’sRants]

the who are you? question is often asked, but rarely answered satisfactorily. I think even our closest friends and loved ones don't really understand us. But it's nice to have a "kindred spirit" they are a rare breed. the kind you can tell anything to without insecurity.

[Li]

Absolutely....thanks for your comment Anne!!

[JayG]

• Hello, it's so nice to meet you

Except it’s not me you’re talking about. And I didn't tell you what I do. So my reaction to line one and two, is, "Huh?"

I don’t volunteer at a homeless shelter, and politics and art aren’t my favorites, so obviously, the wrong person is getting this missive. The speaker says that they’re thrilled to meet this unknown person for reasons not stated. How can this be meaningful to any reader but one who isn't the one being addressed?

Then, as you continue, you’re lecturing that unknown someone about things meaningful to YOU. So what context or interest does this have for me, or any reader? Why, for example, am I to believe that your advice, and approach to life, are any better than my own? You’ve given no reason for a reader to suspect your views are superior to theirs.

The problem is, you’re talking TO the reader about things meaningful to you, without having made them want the information. But what the reader wants you to do is make the subject meaningful to them on an emotional level. As presented, this is all about what you care about. But poetry is all about making the reader care. So this stranger you’re talking to be the reader—as they see it. And the things you mention as the attributes of the one you’re addressing must relate to them in some emotional way.

Look at the first stanza of The Twelfth of Never. It too, talks to the reader, but in a way that gives context. It places the reader into the role of someone asking a reasonable question of a lover, and getting a response that involves THEM, emotionally:
- - - - -
You ask me how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain
You ask how long I'll love you, I'll tell you true
Until the Twelfth of Never, I'll still be loving you
- - - - -
Forget about making your reader KNOW. Make-them-CARE.

You also want to look more deeply into the construction of structured poetry. It’s a LOT more than tossing in rhymes now and then. Stanzas are like paragraphs, and they help organize thoughts. The structure of a stanza, being predictable, like the verses of a song, helps make the reader become a participant. The smooth flow of stressed and unstressed syllables—prosody—gives a rhythm, as does the reader anticipating the rhyme. But when it’s just a flow of mundane words, and the rhyming is simple, and unpredictable, it works against you. Look at The Twelfth of Never again, to see how the words seem to flow in a series of beats, as stressed and unstressed syllables provide a cadence.

Take a few minutes to read the excerpt to Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It’s a very good introduction to the basics of structured poetry, and well worth the time to read.

So… I’m certain this isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but you did ask, so I thought you’d want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Li]

Hello Jay, thank you for taking the time to make such a comprehensive review. It's very constructive and since I just started I have a lot of room for improvement.
Now you said make the reader care, that's a valid point however a reader can always relate to the fact that knowing a person fully is what makes friends which was the message I was trying to get across. We always hear songs that are too personal and may not have anything to do with us but we can still relate to them in some way.
Thanks again.

[JayG]

• however a reader can always relate to the fact that knowing a person fully is what makes friends which was the message I was trying to get across.

That's your intent, of couirse. And if the reader views life exactly as you do, it's what they'll get. But never forget that your intent doesn't make it to the page. And all the reader has is what your words, and their placement suggests TO THEM, based in THEIR background, experience, and even mood as they read, not yours. And it has to do that as-they-read-for-the-first-time. We get no second first-impression, remember.

Because you're writing from your viewpoint, as you do, the imagined other person in the conversation is reacting in the ways you need. But go back to what I said about the first two lines being confusing to a reader? Will they be reacting as you hope they will—and need them to—in order to follow the rest?

Remember, too, that as you read, there's emotion in your voice that counts for a lot, because it adds to the meaning of the words. Unfortunately, the emotion in your voice is there because it's what you WANT there based on the thoughts you're expressing. But does that reach the reader? For them, they not only get a slightly different meaning, the only emotion to the words is what punctuation, and the word, itself suggests. Have your computer read this aloud to hear what the reader gets (you'll have to copy it to a blank file and put in periods where there's no punctuation at line-end, to simulate the end-stops you expect the reader to use).

Aside from showing you where there should have been a question mark instead of a period, you'll hear how different what the reader gets is from what you intended them to get.

It's a good editing practice to have the computer read it to you to hear awkward phrasing and such.

[Kay Salisu Titilola]

I used to think of something when trying to make friends with someone. And that's, if I can ever trust him or her. The fact there is that, it's good to be expecting the worst while looking for the best. That's why I never feel disappointed even if my best friend tells me it's over. It's good to always hope for the best but I think we shouldn't forgot that life is a two sided coin.

Thought provoking piece here, Li.
Well written.

[Li]

Most of our disappointments are created not by people's actions per se but by our own expectations. Therefore, it's a good mindset to keep to save yourself from the disappointment and to keep your friends.
Thanks a lot Kay!!

[Kesch (Finding Julia)]

WOW to your last 7 lines! This is deep and emotional, I really enjoyed this write

[Li]

Thank you,thank you.