The Mind of a Man

a rough draft of a story I started.

She lies in bed reading, waiting for his return. It is late again. 

He is always late, she expects nothing less. It is how their life has been for the last three years.

She is mostly numb to it now. This loneliness that she feels has become her lover, for they have courted for some time. What happened to her life? It was not what she had planned. It was not supposed to be this way. 

Is this how it is for most women whose husbands are married to the job? Or worse yet,

having an affair? She can't think of it. It is better to live in denial than to entertain such 

thoughts. It is better that he comes home than for him not to come home at all. She is not sure if she could live without him, no matter how little he is involved in her life. She scoffs at herself for even living with that philosophy. But it is the lesser of the two evils. The other way hurts too much.

The book she is reading is quite good and it helps her to escape the harsh realities of her life.

It is a book about the life of a young girl in India. The expectations and lifestyles are so 

different from those in America. A few times she cries at the tragic experiences this young girl has lived through. It somehow makes it easier to live in the situation that she finds herself in now.

She has learned to occupy herself with hobbies and activities. She takes dance lessons on Tuesdays. Most of the couples that attend the class are married. Another stab in the heart. But she quickly pushes those depressing thoughts aside. It is just another nail in the coffin of her dead marriage. She dances with an old man named Gerald who is widowed. He lost his wife to cancer four years ago. He is a sweet old man. She likes him a lot. He is good to his children and grand children, she admires him for it. They dance well together even though he is a little slow.

On Thursdays she goes to the theater to practice for a play that she is involved in. She tries out every fall for the Christmas play put on by the local theater. She usually gets a small part. This year it is the biggest part she has had yet. She is proud of herself. Though, no one is there to share it. Her husband has never been to a show. She doesn't complain about it. Why should she? If he really wanted to be there, he would. She shouldn't have to ask and this kills her inside. She loves her husband more than she has ever loved anyone. 

On the weekends, he is home some of the time, that is if he is not out playing golf or attending meetings out of town. Sometimes they go see a movie together, but its usually the one he wants to see. She doesn't complain about that either. She just tries to be the supporting wife that he expects. Inside she is screaming for his attention. This weekend she will be alone. He has another meeting in Chicago. She hates that town. She has never been there, but he has a million times. And what is so glorious about Chicago anyway? From what she has read on-line about this windy city, it is quite busy and scary.

Yeah, its scary alright, scary thinking that he is there enjoying another woman's company. 

Again she tosses the thoughts aside. If she continues, she will fall into another one of those depression modes that takes days to get out of. The only way she can survive is to not allow the thoughts. Just keep them at bay. And it is such a struggle at times. It consumes her, for it is never settled in her mind, questions always surface. And none of them get answered.

She slowly closes her eyes and allow the promise of peace to consume her dreams. 

It has been a long five years with her husband and she fears the worst. That this will never get better. The fear grips her heart and takes her breath away. What can she do? She tried talking to him about it in the beginning of their marriage, but all he did was get angry. Like she was silly for wanting attention the way she did. That it was impossible to live that way. It is only what you see in movies, that kind of life doesn't exist in the real world.

She should have gotten out then. It would have been easier, but it isn’t easier now because she was so deeply in love with him then and even more so now. The thing that she fears the most is the possibility of losing the love that she has for him. And that would mean divorce. And then she would be out on her own, again. Her heart would be ripped to shreds and then it would be over. Inside she knows that their relationship is over. She feels the distance grow stronger every day. There is really no way that he could not be in love with someone else. They talk and share nothing. The hole in her heart is so large that it is all she knows.

It is just a matter of time before she comes to that cross road where she has to make a decision. As long as she doesn't fuss, what is the point of her husband ever leaving, he can do what he wants. He never answers to her. 

Enough of the pity-party, she tells herself. Time to move on and think about something else. She had to admit that when she was dancing with Gerald or when she was practicing her lines on stage, she felt good about herself, but still she felt the hole and it was hard to be completely happy. 

She finally drifted off to sleep. The book laying on her chest and after a little while the bedroom door opens and her husband comes in. He sees her lying on the bed and he smiles to himself. She looked so innocent laying there like an angel. He's thinking maybe he should tell her sometime. But now wouldn't be the time, he doesn't want to wake her. He quietly changes his clothes and slips into bed. He is glad to be home. She always keeps everything nice for him. He should probably tell her that too. Maybe I will tomorrow. OH tomorrow he shouts in his thoughts. There is so much to do. I will have very little time to sleep tonight. He takes the book off of her chest and gently puts in on the night stand. He turns off the lamp and pulls the blanket around himself and drifts off to sleep.

Reviews

[Distant horizons]

Maybe tomorrow, words thought how many times before and never actioned. She sounds like a saint, but with the last thoughts from her husband, i do feel a twist in this tale some time soon.
Very nicely done. I believe the female character to be very well thought out, as her thoughts on how her life have worked out are said so softly, almost wistfully, where many more would feel bitterness and resentment. Shesounds like a person of intrigue.
I like the build up too. There is pleenty of info already laid out in such a short part of the story that it is easy seeing this take on a life of its own and interweaving with more parts of the puzzle, without the feel of many stories to blurt out everything at once and throw ina couple of routine twists and turns.
My advice would be to definitely continue with it. I think i'd like to find out about her and wether he survives :-)

[Liderien]

Please do not apologize, you did well my friend. I agreed with you. I appreciate your candor and I look for people who can be honest. Its a dying breed, the honest ones.

[Clayton Bardwell]

Now that I have re-read my post it comes across a little preachy and harsh. I sure didn't mean it that way. Sorry:(

I'm looking forward to the rest of the story. Hey, that sounds familiar.

[Liderien]

Thank you for your honest opinion Arthur. I suppose dialog wasn't in affect simply because she was alone and reading a book and fighting her feelings and thoughts at the moment. It is clearly a very first draft of this story written two years ago. Geralds age is well past hers. He is a grandfather. He is really not significant to the story at this point. I do agree dialog is more fitting in any story and I will do well to head your advise, and I will. :)

[Clayton Bardwell]

I like this story! I would like it more if it had some dialog, (actually a lot of dialog), to connect me more to the characters.

Hopefully you are looking for corrective critisizm and what I have to say will help. Having said that I would rather learn about her pain and sorrow not by you telling me she hurts but by you showing me how her feelings manifest themselves. Let me come to the conclusion that she is in pain.

Did somebody say affair? How old is Gerald? Don't give me a number. Give me a relation between our fair maiden and him. I'm old, but not dead...yet! I say she should take him out in the rose garden and...

Anyway, I like it!

[Kaya]

This might be one of the best pieces of writing I've read on this site. Its worded so beautifully. To me, (the deep meaning and emotions of the story put aside) this story is something to aspire towards creating... I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

[Leigh]

Yes why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? your piece describes many people I expect, we accept our trapped lives, 'for better or worse' . If she's taken up dancing without her husband I think its all over and if he's never seen her in a play that is a kick in the teeth quite frankly. It usually takes something big to happen in a relationship for something so carefully concealed (an affair) to become unearthed, like a relative or friend dying or someone spotting someone in town with someone they shouldnt be with or someone hacking into someone else's email account! I feel sad having read this writing and would like to know more about the characters themselves, is there a Part 2? Is the female character based on you?

[Rusty]

That is the human experience: That we are seperate. I believe we are all connected and that sometimes others cause that recognition. To me the ultimate is to share with someone all those very things, a look a touch a word and smile. We are meant to find certain people. The challange isn't to recognize them it is to allow ourselves to be recognized-vulnerable.

The Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him most, he said "Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

[Liderien]

Thats a very good question Rusty, why does she love him? Perhaps that will come later, and to ponder a little more about that question, why do we love? honestly what is it that causes us to agape love? is it a word a kiss a look. Why does the heart flounder? I have wanted to know for many years, the curse of love.

[Rusty]

She needs a name, or does she. The way you describe or better yet capture the trail the mind takes is dare I say perfect. I cannot at first blush think of anything I would suggest changing. I want to know "her" name. Perhaps, although I already identify, she will show herself further.

Why does she love him?

[Gomer LePoet]

I usually don't read stories, especially chick-flick type stories, but I found this to be quite good actually. It is very realistic and had a good flow to it. I'm afraid I can relate to some of these characters, I dance like Gerald, and I love Chicago.
I assume you have a lot more to say. I will check back to see where you take this.
Thanks for sharing. nice work. :)