Name the thing

Please enjoy it is my first attempt at all dialogue

"Hey" Dayellen looks up " what the f**k at you doing here?" Raindra sits down "What do you think?" Dayellen:" If it's for the money I already spent it" Raindra:" No s**t for brains I'm here for the "box" ". Dayellen:"You know the rules'" Raindra "F**k the rules' I saved your a*s plenty of times' to get a look in the "box" " Dayellen: " True but my boss would kill me" Raindra "That is my problem why?" Dayellen: "F**k you, fine but you got to keep that c**k sucking trap of yours shut" Raindra:"Fine" Dayellen:" Here" Raindra:" Yeah decent product got the full 'cart' " Dayellen " Yeah but to pay for it is not cheap." Raindra:"How much?" ; Dayellen:"Fourteen heads and 10 regulars four royals' " Raindra "Deal keep the "box" up for me ." Dayellen:"Deal have a nice day"

Reviews

[C. Rose]

You've peaked my interest. What is this box? Are we meant to have figured it by now?

Virdie talked about formatting. Simply entering whenever you switch from Dayellen to Raindra and vice versa will make this much easier to read.

[Kamari's]

Yes you will find out later on it will be redone after I attend to the contest judging and reading requst so sit tight

[Kamari's]

This is not an official piece just a preview of one

[Virdie Morrison]

You need to work on your formatting. This is not how a script is formatted.

Additionally, I'm not sure what story you are trying to portray here. Who are your characters? What are their goals? Where are they located? What are they doing? What is the box? Why is the box important? How do your characters feel about each other? What are their individual voices?

Work on character and story development.

[Kamari's]

This is only the preview to a storyline I am working on many things to see what happens I was trying only to develop my first story that's more dialouge

[Virdie Morrison]

I would still advise you to work on formatting. It also would not be a bad idea for you to note that this is a preview and not a full piece of work.

[Kamari's]

Oh I thought I did oops bad on my part