Rum and Coke

All story's are just previews of books that will be wrote on the weekends please be patient and give any thoughts on the previews

"You w***e !"
Quincy rolls over to see her boyfriend Bobby standing over her bed, how he got into the house was a mystery "excuse me what the hell are you talking about?" Bobby holds up the pregnancy test she had hidden away three weeks earlier "f**k me!" Bobby get in her face she can smell the beer on his breath "who's is it Quinc?!" He was screaming she got up slowly and walked to the closet to get dressed "yours you dumbass" as she was throwing on her light green hoodie Bobby grabbed her "do not lie to me I shot blanks you know this!, so who's is it Quinc?!, I bet it's that plumber Eric or the cable guy Perry !" Quincy moves around him and puts on her cowboy boots. "No Bobby it is yours trust me " Bobby Perseus her out to her grey pick up truck "where are you going skank?! Erics or Perry ?!" Quincy starts to drive away flips off Bobby "I am going to my moms ;call me when you are sober!" She drove Greyson County to Ulster Street to a medium size brick house on the porch was a swing and a two wicker rocking chairs in the drive way was a red mustangs and a light blue mini van . Quincy sighed as she got out of the car, she walked up to the door and knocked twice . The light brown door opened to show a short woman with a slight pudge and short curl black hair eyes with the look of confusion and wearing a white t-shirt and overalls with motor oil on them "well well ,hey Jett what are you doing here" Quincy cringed at her first name "hey mom I need a place to stay" her mother leaned on the door frame "why?" Quincy glared at her mom " I'm pregnant and he thinks it's not his" her mom grinned "is it?" Quincy fumed " yes mom ". Her mom hugged her "well Jett come on in I have pot roast on the table your brother Nelson is in the kitchen and your room is like it was when you left " Quincy moved inside and cringed at the familiar smell of cigarettes and motor oil. Quincy went in the kitchen to sit across from her brother who was sipping on whiskey he had black long hair in a pony tail and a grey suit on he taught violin at the college "so your pregnant , thought of a name?" Quincy smiled " I am not naming him or her after you if that's what you are getting at" Nelson laughed "why not I was named after the great Willie Nelson himself".

Reviews

[melissa]

This is amazing story keep up the great work and keep them coming you should turn this into a book

[Kamari's]

That's actually my plan I just finished one called flower blossom I will be working on this one and I'm having an opening to suggest names for Quincy so no one will think she is a boy

[melissa]

Your welcome

[Savannah Bly]

You had me at the beginning but i wanted more by the end! Great work.

[Kamari's]

thank you my friend

[Kamari's]

Well I managed to finish a book called flower blossom if you like you may read it

[Tatiana Casali]

"I bet it's that plumber Eric or the cable guy Perry" I thought that part was pretty hilarious. lol I thought that the story plot did well. You did a good job. I would suggest though that Quincy should have gotten a bit more annoyed when Bobby accused her of cheating on him. I know I wouldve.

[Kamari's]

That's why she left and thank you do you have any request for me to read in this one there will be a lot of odd humor in play

[Kamari's]

Also thinking of renaming Quincy so people won't get confused shes the girl or not

[Kamari's]

Hey I got a finished book named flower blossom I will be writing on this on but enjoy flower blossom it's just finished

[Tatiana Casali]

Alright, Ill check it out when I can.

[Kamari's]

Thank you my friend I'm so nervous it's my first finished book

[Tatiana Casali]

you'll do Fine I know you can do it! I'm excited for you !

[Kamari's]

Thank Tatiana !

[C. Rose]

I changed formatting and grammatical issues. My opinion on specific lines is in (parentheses).

EDITS ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You w***e!" (Great first line. You have my attention.)

Quincy rolls over to see her boyfriend Bobby standing over her bed. How he got into the house was a mystery.

"Excuse me. What the hell are you talking about?"

Bobby holds up the pregnancy test she had hidden away three weeks earlier "f**k me!" (Who says f**k me?)

Bobby gets in her face. She can smell the beer on his breath.
"Who's is it Quincy?!" He was screaming. She got up slowly and walked to the closet to get dressed.

"Yours you dumbass," she says. As she was throwing on her light green hoodie Bobby grabbed her.

"Do not lie to me! I shoot blanks. You know this! So who's is it Quincy?! I bet it's that plumber Eric or the cable guy Perry!"

Quincy moves around him and puts on her cowboy boots. "No Bobby it is yours. Trust me." (Maybe add a little more description here. When she says "Trust me" does she look him in the eye, pat his hand, hug him, look away, shake her fist. Right now I have a hard time getting a read on what kind of "Trust Me" line this is)

Bobby pursues her out to her grey pick up truck "Where are you going skank?! Eric's or Perry's?!" (Well worded. I like it.)

Quincy starts to drive away and flips off Bobby.

"I am going to my mom's. Call me when you are sober!" She drives from Greyson County to Ulster Street to a medium size brick house. On the porch was a swing and a two wicker rocking chairs. In the drive way was a red mustang and a light blue mini van. Quincy sighed as she got out of the car, she walked up to the door and knocked twice. The light brown door opened to show a short woman with a slight pudge, short curly black hair, eyes with the look of confusion and wearing a white t-shirt and overalls with motor oil on them.

"Well well. Hey Jett, what are you doing here?"

Quincy cringed at her first name "Hey mom I need a place to stay."

Her mother leaned on the door frame. "Why?"

Quincy glared at her mom. "I'm pregnant and he thinks it's not his."

Her mom grinned. "Is it?"

Quincy fumed. "Yes mom ". (Loved this conversation. Really shows the relationship between "Jett" and her mom. Perfect job of not having even a smidge of telling. Pure showing. Keep it up!)

Her mom hugged her. "Well Jett, come on in. I have pot roast on the table. Your brother Nelson is in the kitchen and your room is like it was when you left."

Quincy moved inside and cringed at the familiar smell of cigarettes and motor oil. Quincy went in the kitchen to sit across from her brother who was sipping on whiskey. He had long black hair in a pony tail and a grey suit on. He taught violin at the college.

"So you're pregnant," he said. "Thought of a name?"

Quincy smiled. "I am not naming him or her after you, if that's what you are getting at."

Nelson laughed "Why not? I was named after the great Willie Nelson himself". (Also loving this conversation. Just like the mother-daughter conversation, this sibling conversation shows me their relationship - that he would just jump into the pertinent question and joke around with her. I have a solid understanding of their relationship without you having had to tell me about it because you SHOWED me. Brava.)

NON TECHNICAL SUGGESTIONS
- Gender ambiguous names are confusing. I could see both Quincy and Bobby going both ways. This makes pronouns extra confusing. Consider making at least one, ideally both names, gender obvious like Sarah and Henry or more interesting names that you choose.
- Careful with verb tense. You start out in present and then flip to past when she gets in the car.
- Black Long Hair sounds awkward. Try long black hair. Just like in English we say big red balloon and not red big balloon.

OPINION
A parable for you. One man dug 100 wells 1 foot deep each and died of thirst. Another man dug 1 well 100 feet deep and drank. Personally, I err on the side of the man who dug 100 wells. I am always thinking of fresh characters and plot lines and resistant to sitting down and "digging deep" or writing out stories all the way. I saw you say in the description that the full book will be written on weekends, and I want to encourage you to follow through with that. In fact I recommend you do this: don't have any of your writing, this site, or ideas open. Type or write a list of your story previews in the order you remember them. Next prioritize them by which ones you are going to put effort into "digging deep" now and which you will set aside for now. This will be hard because all story ideas feel precious, especially in their infancy. But I believe you will benefit from "digging deep". (I am not saying stop writing previews. Of course write and publish them as they come to you - but don't forget to set aside time for digging deep).

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Here's what's going to happen. You say you will write out your stories on weekends. Now that you've told me that, if you don't follow through you will have lied to me and stolen complete-story-reading from me and I will be disappointed and will plague you with guilt-inducing reminders and then you will find me annoying but I won't stop. Because I wish someone had done that to me.
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Now I'm going to go follow my own advice and work on writing out an old plot line instead of daydreaming about new plot lines even though that would be more fun.

[Kamari's]

I will work on them this weekend and this is so wrong in punctuation and everything cause it's just a preview and Quincy is named after James Jett a football player on the Oakland raiders team a wide receiver and Quincy will be revealed and I'm glad you picked up on their relationships other characters will show up and I will begin this books first two chapters tomorrow and along with angles and flower blooms next two if you like the first chapter is up but in edited you can read it and I am no liar

[C. Rose]

Flower Blooms? I don't think I saw that one - I'll go look for it.

Did not intend to come off as calling you a liar. You aren't a liar. I think I saw all of your highly creative and hooking but incomplete stories and assumed you were like me and would then also struggle with following through as I do. I look forward to you proving that assumption wrong :)

While I am very complimentary of the brother and mother conversations, I think the Bobby conversation could be filled out more. He felt flat (but more scenes with him in future chapters could retroactively fix that) and the scene jumped forward very quickly from bed to door to car.