Lust is Disease

Eyes dancing along the body, crimson jewels bleeding out:
Lust is a disease that can drive a madman madder, spreading like forest fires.
What will one do when they are unsought? Filling one's heart with another's blood like grout.
A tale of a mild elimination, tragedy striking the heart's desires. 

The clock now pronounces three am, the Earth's soil flying off the spade:
All that was asked for was the gift of returning, instead: receive the view from six feet under.
Beauty is beauty even when cold: beauty is beauty even whilst preyed.
A rose for the one who could not bear to love back, a tear for the rain: followed by thunder.

Lower and lower the casket sinks, lower and lower the heart sinks.

Author's Note

I would like to know what your first assumption of the story is.. I know it's not that great and the techniques are horrible, but it was the best way to get my words out. I will probably rewrite it when my head is a little clearer. I just want to know if the right story is coming across to the viewers' eyes.

Art: Walter Sickert 1860-1942

Reviews

[I Cast a Shadow]

My first impression from this piece is a few words being, sex, guilt, beauty, abortion, empty, dirty, nausea, ache, death, murder, and suicide.

I love it. I loved how you could apply beauty to something that only breeds guilt or shame and then leads to feelings of death. That came across quite nicely. I liked (in spite of what you said about technique) some alliteration there like, "madman madder" and "forest fires", and the softer consonants toward the end that allude to a weak or frail existence compared to the beginning of the piece.

If I were you, I would try to compact your lines so the rhyming scheme you have going there comes across more fluently and resounding.

Very nice. =]

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi Tiffany, I like it. It is poetry as a story. A tragedy well portrayed and the flow and rhyme was unforced.

[SparrowSong]

Remorse is felt when love dies, is not returned and one destroys it so it is not to be had by anyone else. Your wording is spectacular, I love the images presented and the unique phrasing you use. My favorite line is:

All that was asked for was the gift of returning, instead: receive the view from six feet under.

Darkly written, I love it.

[Patrick Henry]

I see it as a lover "forgive me?" not minding himself society's view of what definition is reserved for love. I believe for this character that necrophilia is not part of his vocabulary, and I find remorse and empathy run deep within him. Whether he is bleeding himself out to run it across her body as she "sleeps" or in the throes of sex, it is to me, romantic in most ways. YOU, specifically, could write a love story for me to read, and I would not know of this girl's demise until the end if that was shared!! lol Beautiful writing. Crimson jewels. My goodness!! Beautiful Tiffany. xoxo -Mark

[Eagle Cruagh]

Beautiful writing.
It seems to be more about death than
about a specific person.
I am rushed so not giving this proper attention.
I will try to get back to it with a complete review.
----Eagle Cruagh

[gombeggar]

interesting...like the wording very much ver victorian i'd say though maybe closer to poe...thinku have more to add to this

[AleyshaRosa]

It is beautiful and haunting, and I believe that your vocabulary is fantastic in this poem. I love "hearing" words that I haven't in awhile, such as "unsought", "spade" and "whilst".
Yes, rules are broken in this poem, but what would poetry be without a rebel? =P
All I would suggest is breaking up your verses to make your point hit harder.

The clock now pronounces three am, the Earth's soil flying off the spade:
All that was asked for was the gift of returning, instead: receive the view from six feet under.
Beauty is beauty even when cold: beauty is beauty even whilst preyed.
A rose for the one who could not bear to love back, a tear for the rain: followed by thunder.

into


The clock now pronounces three am
the Earth's soil flying off the spade
All that was asked for was the gift of returning
instead
receive the view from six feet under
Beauty is beauty even when cold
beauty is beauty even whilst preyed
A rose for the one who could not bear to love back
a tear for the rain
followed by thunder

Breaking verses also accounts for commas. I don't know if you noticed, but I deleted them all from the one above. When a poem is read, the start of a new verse is usually read with a space (so pretty much a comma)
I don't know how much sense I'm making, but I hope I helped =]

Awesome write
Koodoos

[Tiffany Kelley]

Thank you so much. You made perfect sense. I have only wrote about a handful of poems in my life so I am completely ignorant to form, technique and rules. I will break them up like you suggested because reading it as you wrote it did give a punch. Now when you separate the word "instead" from the rest of the verse, is that due to the punctuation I used after it in the before form? When you write it like you did, does that mean you use no punctuation whatsoever? Also, I've always wondered about capitalization in poetry. I noticed you only used it in some verses and not the others. How do you know when and when not to use it?

I like to color outside of the lines while writing. What I mean is I like to use the more uncommon synonyms for words. I believe being more descriptive helps keep the reader from getting bored. My worst fear of writing is being bland and repetitive.

Thank you Aleysha, yet another wonderful review!

[Tiffany Kelley]

I meant to say written* instead of wrote :

[Tex]

Tiffany, Dont review your own piece, take your comments below and past them in the Author's note section. That does 2 things:
1) it stays at the top of the review section so all reviewers see it. and
2) it allows your first reviewer to get bonus points.

Ok now the poem. I loved it. but let me tell you why. First, you use the ABAB rhyme scheme, a more difficult style IMO. second, love the way you dealt with the topic. My guess is he kills her, but loves her, Lust drives him mad. remorse comes as the casket goes into the grave.

I really liked the way you dealt with this and presented it to us. I cannot speak to poetic rules (I don't know them and am sure I break them all the time). But I can speak to the emotion and how to speaks to me. It spoke volumes. Well done! Keep em coming.

[Tiffany Kelley]

Thank you thank you thank you. I had no idea.. Sorry that I cheated you of your bonus points! :( read moreThank you thank you thank you. I had no idea.. Sorry that I cheated you of your bonus points! :(

You are absolutely correct. He does kill her because he is suffering from Lust like it is a disease but she rejected him. He felt if he couldn't have her, no would should. But then.... dun dun dun .... he realized a little too late that once he was putting her in the ground permanently, HE can't even have her even if it is make believe to him.

Now.. this is one of the VERY few poems I have ever wrote. As a matter of fact, I only began writing poetry this September. I couldn't tell you forms for the life of me. I just went with this one as I wrote it. What is ABAB form? It looks like I have a LOT of learning to do..

[Tex]

ah, look at the rhymes at the end of your sentences what you see is the rhyme for sentence 1 and 3 rhyme and 2 and 4 rhyme that is ABAB when you look at my work you will see I usually use AABB 1and2 rhyme and 3and4 rhyme. (you can see this in my "My heart I fill with love" poem keep in mind I break the sentences in 1/2 so look for the rhyme at the period not the comma).

I only started writing this month LOL so we are a couple of newbies.

i don't review stories, only poems, because my dyslexia slows me down so much.