The Health Führer: Pt. 2

A satirical look at alternative medicine. Part 2.

           Ron was watching TV Saturday night when the phone rang. “Finally,” he thought, he knew it was Jimmy finally calling him back. “Hey Ron, I talked to Chris and he says that he’ll go with you tomorrow and get you a deal,” Jimmy said. Ron was angry that he had to pay anything for this whole mix-up, especially to a non-credentialed naturopath, but he replied, “That’s good, I’ll give him a call tomorrow.” Jimmy felt awful, but he didn’t know what else he could do. If Ron had told him he’d just been drinking, then this whole situation wouldn’t have happened. He’d done all he could though, so he tried to make some small talk to ease the tension. He asked, “What are you listening to?” Ron replied, “I’m not listening to anything, I’m watching Nosferatu. It’s a silent movie.” “Oh, the old vampire movie? Yeah, my niece is into the whole Twilight vampire craze right now,” Jimmy said. “Don’t… don’t even get me started on that Jim,” Ron was saying, “You’re gonna ruin the movie for me. I’m so tired of my students talking about those books and movies that I could shoot myself. Whenever that many people like something, it generally sucks. Pop culture being what it is, I’m surprised anyone has any solid material left in their brain at all,” Ron said. Jimmy laughed, “Yeah, God forbid anyone actually learns something from what they read. Well, I’m gonna get to bed here, so take it easy. Good luck tomorrow, I’m real sorry again.” “It’s alright. Don’t lose any sleep over it,” Ron said. They both hung up but not before Jimmy gave him Chris’s phone number. Ron wanted to watch the rest of the movie, it was a classic, but he couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer, so he went to bed.

 

            It was eight in the morning when Ron woke up; he’d had one of those dreams where he was running away from something but he couldn’t run or keep his balance and kept falling over. But dreaming meant he slept well, so he was ready to make his visit the Health Führer. He called Chris and went to pick him up around eleven. Ron didn’t know Chris that well, but they’d met a few times when Jimmy had parties. “Ron, believe me, you’re gonna have fun today,” Chris said on the drive there. Ron shrugged, “I don’t really care about fun, I just need him to give me something that says I don’t have swine flu.” Chris replied, “I know, I know, but this guy is a medical genius. I visit him more than I visit regular doctors.” Ron asked, “You, uh, sure that’s safe?” “Oh absolutely, the Health Führer has a book out on how dangerous doctors are. They just want to load you up on pills and get you out of their office so they can overmedicate their next victim. This guy actually cares, Ron. He actually cares,” Chris said. Ron didn’t want to burst Chris’s bubble, but he liked the impersonal nature of doctors. He didn’t tell Chris that though. Instead, he said, “Well, that’s good. He knows we’re coming right?” “Yep, he’s looking forward to it.”

 

            They pulled into the parking lot of the Health Führer’s office, and Ron was surprised to see that his office was basically a converted house. They got out of the car and walked in. There was nobody around when they entered, so Chris just led them to the examining room. They walked through an open doorway that had no door, only colorful beads hanging from the top and running to the floor. Ron thought that was peculiar. But what was more peculiar was that while Ron was expecting to see a cold table, or a scale, or a stethoscope, or something, all he saw was a stage with a blue curtain and a couple rows of chairs facing it. There was nobody in the room, and he heard soft music playing. He somewhat recognized the music, but couldn’t put his finger on it at first. They took a seat up front. ♩Sister Christian, oh, the time has come. And you know that you’re the only one to say… ok. Where you goin’ what you lookin’ for?♩ Ron recognized the song now, it was that crappy eighties song by Night Ranger. He thought it was strange music for a doctor’s office. He then heard a voice over a speaker say, “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Health Führer!”♩You know those boys don’t wanna play no more with you. It’s true.♩The music began to get louder, someone was turning the volume up. The beat got louder, and louder, and louder… Too loud. ♩YOU’RE MOTORIN’!♩ And that’s when a man burst out from behind the curtain and ran across the stage. The whole time, Chris was rocking back and forth in his chair with glee. ♩WHAT’S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT? IN FINDING MR. RIGHT, YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT TONIGHT!♩ The music began to drop back down in volume while the man stood there on stage, shirtless. “Thank you for coming today! I am the Health Führer,” he said enthusiastically. Ron realized that the Health Führer's voice was the same voice that just came over the speakers. The man had just given himself an introduction. Ron couldn’t believe a doctor had just done that. What the hell was he in for today?

Author's Note

Part 3 is coming. Let me know if you laughed when you read this.

Reviews

[prjctREdiscovery]

not gonna lie the last lines made me get that weird 'what the heck kinda doc is that' smile

[Ellen Hammond]

LOL This is funny. I can hardly wait to see what lies in store for poor Ron in the rather egotistical Health F�hrer's hands. I really like how you tell a story.

[Nicole]

Lol, yeah. Especially the Twilight part.
Haha, I really liked that introduction.
If only my doctor was that cool. >.>
Can't wait for part three.