Militant Atheist Agenda

A satire focusing on the misconceptions the religious have about atheists.

    So I've been hearing a lot from Bill O'Reilly about this Militant Atheist Agenda. You see, Bill is a self-proclaimed "Culture Warrior" and he's not afraid to take on any members of this conspiracy. Apparently, there are these secret societies of atheists that get together in their San Francisco apartments, smoke copious amounts of marijuana, and plan the overthrow of American society. Bill is trying to stop them from achieving this goal. And I, for one, am grateful for that.

   Upon hearing about them though, I was obviously shaken, so I decided to do a little investigating of my own. You know, to uncover this secret society and expose them for the Christian-child-corrupting filth that they are. 

   I went to San Francisco, and after talking to some heroin dealers, I found out where the secret atheist society meets. I got into the meeting by saying the secret militant atheist password, "Science & Reason," which, of course, is code-talk for "Drug Abuse & Chaos." The house they met at looked exactly like any other house in San Francisco, you know, like the house in that s****y Full House show. The only difference is that inside, there were no rooms. It was just one big room with white walls and about a hundred chairs all facing a podium and a table. It took me a minute to see that the table was actually an altar to Charles Darwin, and on the altar was a sacrificed goat. I would have spotted it right away, but the room was so clam-baked that it was hard to see. That wasn't the shocking part though, what was shocking was what I heard. 

   I sat in the back of the room, trying not to draw attention to myself. The room was filled with fifty or sixty people, and although they didn't look like long-haired hippie slackers, I knew from O’Reilly that they actually were. The man that led the meeting looked like a former NFL linebacker with a goatee and dark, menacing eyes, but he spoke with a clear lisp, so I knew he'd never actually touched a football. His name was Lance, and he began by doing a roll call, and all but a member named Karen responded. (Apparently, she had a poor attendance record and the crowd seemed visibly irritated that she missed yet another meeting.) I was able to duck down behind my metal folding chair during roll call, so they never saw me or asked my name.

   They then rose as Lance read various excerpts from The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and the Communist Manifesto. All atheists are communists, so nobody objected to reading Karl Marx's magnum opus. After about five minutes of this nonsense, they chanted "Hail Dawkins" a few times, passed a marijuana "water bong" around, and then got down to business. Everyone sat back down, and Lance began speaking. I found it hard to stay at first since the room had the sour odor of grungy San Franciscans and pot, but I was able to get used to it after a while.

   Lance began by saying with his rather high-pitched, lisping voice, “Ok, good evening everyone, thank you for attending this week’s meeting of the Secret Militant Atheist Club. I’m going to start with a few announcements.” He then went on to say how their militant atheist bake sale was being moved to next Thursday and he hoped it didn’t interfere with anyone’s plans. Then he reminded everyone that this Friday was karaoke night. He also briefly chastised those that didn’t attend last week’s meeting, but he didn’t name any names.

   “Ok, now on to the important stuff,” Lance said, “First, we are going to talk about how best to corrupt the wholesome Christian youths in America.” He went on and listed strategies to achieve his goal. They would step up efforts to get drug dealers outside Sunday schools, make sure to present evolution in schools in such a way so that children would naturally sympathize with eugenicists, and distribute atheist and anarchist literature on the insides of candy wrappers. They unanimously agreed that any and all means were acceptable to achieve their goals. This went on for another fifteen minutes or so, and then Lance moved on to a conspiracy that Bill O’Reilly himself was leading the charge against.

   Lance said, “Now let’s move on to destroying Christmas this year.” “I knew it,” I thought to myself. Their strategy was simple, make sure nobody could set up religious displays in front of government buildings. They were well aware that if the average American didn’t see a nativity set in front of their local courthouse that they’d call off Christmas for their whole family. It was common knowledge. One female member suggested burning down the giant Christmas tree in Times Square and while they all liked the idea, they decided against it because they’d be caught too easily. They also expressed some outrage that so many Fox News personalities were learning of their crusade against Christmas. “First O’Reilly does an episode on our War on Christmas, then John Gibson writes a book,” Lance said with an angry lisp, “How do they keep finding out?” Nobody had an answer, but they knew that their war would be all for naught if these television personalities kept it up. I couldn’t help but get a warm, sentimental feeling inside about Fox News after hearing that their counterattack in the War on Christmas was working.

   The meeting was going exactly as I’d expected, but it seemed so surreal to actually hear these words coming from those that always vehemently denied to the public that such a conspiracy existed.

  “Okay, and finally for tonight, it seems that thanks to Ben Stein’s movie Expelled,” Lance was saying, “People are starting to learn that we sympathize with Hitler. What do we plan on doing about that?” In 2008, Ben Stein made a documentary claiming that belief in evolution was a predictor of Nazi behavior. Stein’s wit, research, and well-reasoned arguments cut into the very soul of these San Francisco atheist types. People were now beginning to realize the undeniable truth that all atheists have the capability of becoming Hitler, and that made Lance furious. Lance asked, “How are we supposed to achieve our plan of a Lord-of-The-Flies atheist utopia if we’re publicly associated with Nazis?” A forty-something bald man with glasses stood up and said, “How about we just keep pretending that we don’t like Hitler?” That plan seemed doomed to fail since it wasn’t a plan at all, it was just what they normally did. Still, there was no other option really. “Okay, fine. That’s a pretty half baked idea, but we are all half baked here so I guess that’s what we should expect,” Lance said.

   The meeting must have been drawing to a close because I heard the subtle rustle of jackets being picked up off chairs. I thought Lance was done speaking, but his final words shocked me. 

   Lance said, “Hold on everyone, one final announcement I forgot to make earlier. Next year, membership fees for the Secret Militant Atheist Club will be going up by 10%.” The crowd was annoyed by this and began booing, but Lance went on to say, “Now, now, calm down. We won’t be able to afford our field trip to overthrow the Vatican next year if we don’t get the money some way.”

   I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. 

   My stomach dropped. That one statement changed what I knew about atheists. I knew they were an American al-Quaeda, but I had never expected to hear this. I was going to have to warn the authorities after this, but it would be tough to convince them because I’d forgotten to take a recorder with me to this meeting. I’d always been a poor planner. They’d probably just dismiss me as a religious kook, but I had to try. I mean, the Vatican? THE VATICAN?! These militant atheists were now getting out of control.

   “Okay everyone, we’re done here for this week. Remember to be here next week when we discuss how to destroy marriage.” Lance then led the group in another chanting of “Hail Dawkins” and the meeting came to an end.

   On my ride back to the airport, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d been changed. As I made my call to Vatican authorities, I sat back in deep thought. Most of what I’d heard that night I’d already known for a long time, but now I saw the problem the way O’Reilly did. Talking about the War on Christmas in a casual conversation is one thing, but activism is what we need to preserve our fragile American values from the onslaught these people bring. Stand outside your local government offices and demand that they let your religion in, demand they let your religion determine public policy, and demand that these officials never, ever listen to this crazed, fringe San Francisco minority that wants to destroy America. They want nothing more than to turn our children into anarchistic neo-Nazis that commit fellatio in the streets to subsidize their drug habit.

   They talk about reason. But need I remind you that some of the worst, most horrible, most atrocious societies in the history of mankind were also the most reasonable?

Author's Note

Do you believe it reflects the stereotypes fundamentalist Christians have towards atheists?

Reviews

[spence]

This is a very funny story. Even though I don't know much about Bill O Reilly or the 'militant atheist agenda' I smiled all the way through and yes, i believe this is a good reflection of how fundamentalist christians see atheists. Fascist totalitarians that adhere unquestioningly to a doctrine of prejudice and hatred-?- pretty much as some atheists could view them. I'm English, so my perspective will likely be different to your own, but the fundamentals of religious zealotry are pretty much the same the world over. My own religious family members don't particularly like me, but then the feeling's mutual, and I've come into conflict with many people of faith over the years, though I believe American Christian conservatives take the prize for blinkered 'Thomas Aquinas' thinking.
You played out the 'devils advocate' role really well in this parody. I really enjoyed this story, take care, spence

[slappy white]

I thought it was hilarious, classic comedy of adopting the arguments of the other side and just running with it.

[Ellen Hammond]

I like your style. You use humor to get your point across. All the while I was reading this I was half laughing thinking at first, "Boy this guy sounds like one of those closed-minded, hard-nosed, Bible thumpers, who think they have all the answers and run down those who don't check their brains at the door of their particular church." So I guess that pretty much answers your question. It reflects both the steroetypical fundamentalists and their views quite well. However, not all with faith are so judgmental or closed-minded and because of the way so many are viewed, (as in you have aptly portrayed) the word religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

[.]

This was pretty cool, though I sometimes felt like there was repetition, but then I remembered you were making fun of O'Reilly and the other jackasses on Fox News so repetition makes a lot of sense.