The closest I got to Goodbye.

Have you ever hurt so much you can't find the answer to set yourself free? You can't find a way out, a way to cope with the world you were bought into without a choice. I wanted to say goodbye.

30^th 9

I find myself in the exact position I was in December 2011, finding no way out, no hope and no future. I was in tears, I cut, my tears dried. My arm bled, my mind numbed, I don’t want to be here, please hear me, understand me, I do not want to live in this world you brought me into any longer. The thing that hurts the most is I didn’t ask you to bring me here, you didn’t ask for me turn out the way I did, I’m sorry I ruined your lives, I’m sorry that I was the person who let you down, but I don’t see any other option anymore, I hate myself, I hate my world, I hate reality. I can’t cope anymore, I can’t fight, it hurts so much, I just want to be free, understand and become at peace with the thought of me being free. I don’t want to hurt anymore, I’m sorry I’m leaving you with the memory of someone you no longer knew, no longer Libby, but I can’t find the other person, I can’t come back again. I love you so much, that’s why this hurts so much.

I find it hard to communicate through any other way, I’ve been told that no one can truly understand what I’m facing through spoken words. It isn’t until a piece of my writing is placed in front of you that you’ll really see. So here it goes, I’m writing for you.

I’m once again, sat in ward 10, the same place, the same people, the same reasons. However, this time something is different. I’m different. She’s different. I’m more afraid, I’m older, ana’s older, stronger, yet I still have no idea what’s happening to me or how I’m meant to stop it. Ask me what I want. I don’t know. Every answer I come up with my mind automatically attacks and I’m faced with a battle of sense and denial. I know I’m not well, even as I write that, I pause, delete, then re-type, Libby knows she’s not okay, but the other part says she is. I may know I’m not well, but I also know that I am well enough to not need attention, help, assistance. Don’t waste your time on me, there are people worse off than me, I had my chance 3 years ago, I didn’t embrace it, that’s not your fault, any of you, it’s mine and I’m sorry that you now have to face the consequences of my stubbornness, my insecurity. I’m writing, but nothing seems to be coming out. I’m frightened, I’m lost, I’m so tired, so emotionally drained and it’s killing me. I can’t cope, I can’t fight anymore, I’m at peace with giving up, but I know you’re not, that’s where my answers run out. My only answer, solution is to end it all, give you the freedom I won’t ever be able to. I told you all 3 months ago anorexia was coming back, you didn’t believe me, it was just a blip to you. Look at me now, I can’t find my way back out, food terrifies me, I can’t even stand holding a slice of toast, feeling the butter cover my skin, feel it seeping through my pours. I know that’s not right, but me knowing and me being able to change that fear is a different matter. I hate myself, I hate my world, I hate reality.

I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing; I don’t know what the right thing is anymore. You want to know how I feel? Here it is:

It’s getting worse, she’s getting stronger, and she’s pulled me back hard, fast. I’m at the point where I can no longer change this situation. I could of. I didn’t. I let her reach the point of no return. I let her take me again, and she’s got a grip of me, a tight grip, one that can’t be let loose. You don’t understand, how could you possibly? You see me as something I’m not, you see me as a girl with fight, strength, bravery, but I’m telling you you’re wrong, so let go of that image, and let me tell you who you’re really faced with.

I am a 17 year old girl, trapped within her own mind finding it impossible to find an escape route to reality. I’m stuck in a bubble of self loathe and fear. You can keep me safe, but you can’t save me from the thoughts that lie within my mind, the thoughts that haunt me as soon as my eyes open to face another day as the girl that lost the fight, the girl that’s gripped by a ghost that no one can see but her. I’m telling you there isn’t a way out, I hurt every day, I cry every day, that smile you see on my face isn’t real, but you know that don’t you? You can see it in my eyes can’t you? I can’t let you help me when I can’t be helped. You can try, but why would you want to when I know you’d fail? How can you help someone that can’t help herself?

Don’t cry any tears over me, don’t waste your love on someone that can’t even fight for her own family, friends, lovers. I’m not saying I don’t love you, of course I do, but she doesn’t, she hates you, and I’m sorry to say it, she overrides any power you or I think we may have. Don’t tell me everything will be alright, because this time, they won’t. I know the feeling of hope may comfort you, but please, stop, pray for others, wish for those who put the effort to find freedom, just not me, because I’ve given up, it’s time you do too. Whatever happens, will happen for a reason. Find peace within that, I know I have. She’ll set me free, then, everything will be alright.

Author's Note

Please give me some feed back, would be much appreciated :)

Reviews

[Owlsnest]

This is fantastic, you can really feel it. It's raw and clever. I like how Ana is personified, but it deeply upsets me that you had to go through this. I understand these feelings, but something different gripped me. I hope one day you can look back on this and feel this person is unfamiliar to you, you are strong and these stories prove that.