Holding on for you.

When I say, you're the person I'm living for, you never believe it do you? So please, just take a minute or two, to sit, read, and take in the words I display.

Today everything changed, I can’t tell you how I really feel, I’m scared to, I don’t want to let you in anymore, I don’t like hurting you. I can see it in your eyes, I can see the fear, I know you’re hurting through my pain. I don’t like it. I don’t like being the cause of the weakness within your eyes, the loss of glow, replaced with a layer of glistening tear. I’m finding it easier to keep in inside, not to talk to you, I feel better this way, I feel less vulnerable to you. Call me selfish, but I’m scared you’re going to walk away soon, others have, no one stayed, not even my family are here anymore. I pushed them away, watch me hurt, watch me die, do what they’re doing, because to me, them not knowing the true extent of my misery, they’ll be better off. Every day, I’m faced with the same battle, as soon as my eyes turn from darkness, peacefulness and meet the crack of day light, the fight begins. I don’t wake with a positive thought in mind, I wake to ‘why am I still here’ why is it I’m forced to struggle through a day? I want to cry, I want to lie in your arms and know you’ll keep me safe, that’s all I've ever wanted, to feel safe. I’ve forgotten the feeling. To be safe is no longer something that seems possible. The closest I feel to being safe is when my eyes shut, and my life is a dream instead of a nightmare. Can’t you see how happier I’d be to not be. I’m terrified though, it hurts to want to die this much, but not enough to actively proceed. I wish I would, I wish I’d let myself be free, to feel peace. I’m writing this with the image of you in my head. You’re stopping me from dying, you’re stopping me from feeling alive. I know my last breath would be the happiest taken in years, to know I no longer have to struggle, to fight an ongoing battle. But I can’t, because I love you too much. I know I’m hurting you now, but I know to leave would hurt you more. But how long do I have to wait, how long do I have to struggle before you realize I’m better off dead? I’m hurting as I write this, but if you really want to know what’s going on, here it is. When I say you’re the reason I’m here. I mean it, and I hate it. I hate that you mean this much to me, but maybe you’re keeping me alive because you can save me? I want to feel safe. Please, make me feel safe again. I know I’d always miss you, and I’ll always love you.

So please, don’t say a word, just be there, just let me cry to you. Just let me fall in to your arms and lye there a while until I feel you as protection. Will you tell me everything will be okay and mean it this time? Because I can’t seem to do any of these things on my own. I can’t seem to protect myself anymore, save myself. The girl 4 years ago seems impossible, I was never really her, the person back then, wasn't real, she was just a dream. I look at photos of this little girl, and I can’t find the connection between the person standing, staring, and the girl in the image anymore. Not even the eyes match. The story behind the girls eyes in the photo is happiness, freedom, no fear, no worries. They shine, they glisten, they show beauty. Now, nothing, emptiness, fear, a story of pain, no hope, not knowing what there is to fight for anymore. Do I wish I was the girl in the pictures? Yes, of course I do, I’d give my life to be her again, but it’s not possible, not anymore, how could it be when the only feelings I remember how to feel are hurt? I can’t seem to find the power, the need to start again, rebuild who I am, I don’t think I know how to. This is me now, this isn't going to go away, I’m not going to have the life I could of. I don’t want to save that, I don’t want to save me, so please, just let me cry, just let me fall in to your arms, just stay beside me until everything disappears, because it's you I'm holding on for.