Fear

What is fear? It starts as a feeling, then begins to dominate and capture every aspect of your life, preventing you succeeding..preventing you from living.

Fear is an emotion, it’s uncontrollable, unstoppable. A fear can be conquered but not forgotten. To feel fear is to dream, to wish, to hope. Without fear, there’s no courage. Without courage there’s no hope.

I see fear as a physical and mental trap, stopping you reaching full potential. I experience fear in all areas of my life, so much that at times, the fear itself is enough to convince my mind it’s time to give up, time to stop trying. I dream, dream simple thing, wish simple things, to be happy, to get a job, to live a normal life, but yet, a wall is built around them, stopping them from being reached, that wall is fear.

To be scared of something is overwhelming and self destructive. I struggle to fight against my fear of living. My fear turning into anxiety, turning into panic, turning into self pity and worthlessness. This is where I fall, I am terrified of living, finding it mentally impossible to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone, my bubble, where it’s fear free. The moment I try to push myself out of a bubble, an overwhelming shock hits me almost immediately. Grabs my body, my emotions, squeezes them, causing them to shrivel up to the point where fear becomes a physical pain, a mental strain. A strong person can hide it well, they can learn ways to cover it up, not deal with it, hide it. I show no emotion to fear, I've been through a lot, I've opened up to people, to people who have walked out, I stopped showing it, I stopped opening up, a fear in itself, a fear of emotional attachment leading to heart break and pain from the day they turn and walk away. Instead, I struggle alone, I never conquer my fears because I no longer have the ability to express them. I’m forced to sit alone, somehow pull myself through it. Having to push your logical, mental ability to fight with the illogical side. To push your body mentally and physically through the rough to come out the other side, not knowing if this is the end of it, if the fear has been conquered, instead, you’re forced to fight, then wait to see if it comes back or goes. Sub-consciously setting yourself up to fall again, preparing yourself for the next crash, the next trigger. It can be anything, from having to do a presentation to moving house or country, starting again. I fight against fear every day of my life, fear riddled with anxiety and pressure.

Being scared of one thing, lead to being terrified of another. I was always terrified of failing, letting people down, I made sure I pushed myself to maximum level to make sure I was on target. This fear turning into pressure, turning into too much for a young girl to handle, then without a chance to make it stop, without a clue, you’re hit by a whole new fear, not replacing the fear before, just adding to it, making it bigger, making it harder to fight.

Ultimately, having one fear ruined my life. Yes, to a certain extent everyone has that fear of failure, of letting people down, some are lucky, some are made to deal with it, others can’t, others break, lose control.

I performed well in all areas as a child, at sport, at education, music, purely because I pushed myself, made sure I let no one down, made sure I didn't let myself down. As well as a fear of letting my family down in their moments of need, my mum, she needed me, a young girl from the age of 8 upwards having to cope with an ill mum, terrified of letting her down, pushing myself to grow up fast, to look after her, and to look after the house, my dad and my brother. I was terrified that if I stopped, if I let them down, they’d leave. So instead I worked my mind and body ridiculous amounts.

It’s ironic really, the underlying fear of failing, letting down, lead into something which destroyed and ultimately force me to let every single person in my life down.

Fear is lonely, something that can’t always be seen from an outsiders view point. However, if strong enough to conquer that fear, you learn to grow, dream bigger things, fear bigger things, but learn to cope as you move up through your life. Without fear there would be no challenge, no fight, no reason to believe in bigger things.