The Fog

 

       I can feel my heart beating in my chest.  My breathing is like a wild animal. 'Go go go!' My voices in my head tell me. I'm running for my life. My house is being attacked by Fog. It's not just your ordinary Fog. It's black as the devil's heart, and ten times more dangerous. They say once you touch it, it consumes your soul to make it more powerful. I run over to my older sister that's running as well. I'm on the edge giving up running for my life. What is the point anyway? I won't be safe. No one is.

   'Penney listen to me, you need to run as fast as you can' she breaths heavily' I don't care where you go as long as your safe, I love you' Ella says. 'I love you too Ella, but why won't you come with me' I beg her as we run, 'becau-' Her eyes widen 'what...what's wrong'. Is she hurt? I look around her, but the Fog is nowhere near 'Ella please use your words, help me out'. A tear rolls down her cheek 'Jake' she whispers.my baby brother. I left him upstairs while he was taking a nap. My feet and legs feel numb as we slow down. 'No' I whimper Jake is my brother, I promised mother I would take care of him.

   I hear a baby's cry. 'He's still alive!' I shout and wipe my tears. In a blink of an eye, Ella leaves to get him. 'ELLA?? WHERE ARE YOU' I shout worriedly. 'Jeez, your fast' I say. As the Fog gets closer to me, and I move over to the kitchen that has not been visited by the devil's soul. I close my eyes.  Ella and Jake are fine. Ella and Jake are fine. I repeat in my head over and over, but the hardest part is convincing myself. 'Penney' I hear someone yell. It's Ella, and she has Jake. He's safe. Tears of relief stream down my face. 'Your okay' I say I was worried'. 'Take care of Jake, and Penney....stay strong no matter what happens, mom would be proud of you. I love you both very very much.' She kisses his head. 'Mom would be proud of both of us, what's going on Ell' I ask. I wait for an answer, but I don't always get what I want. The only thing that she can get out of her mouth is,  'Run' before the Fog creeps up behind her 'ELLA' I scream. The baby. My baby brother is in the air. She threw him! Why in the world would she throw a baby!

   I barely catch him. His cry is ear-piercing, but Ella's is even louder. The worst  scream I have ever heard in my life. It's so high-pitched that it could shatter glass in less than a second. Then the scream turns into a horrid gurgling sound. I look over where Ella was. She's surrounded by the Fog. The fog forms a line and dives into her throat suffocating her.  'NO ELLA! NO LET HER GO, DON'T TOUCH MY SISTER!!' I yell so hard my throat burns like hot ice. She's gone there's no trace of her anywhere. Jake's sobs are a horrid sound, I try to think of a way to calm him down. 'Shhhhh I'll keep you safe' I assure him in a crackly whisper.

   Everything is blurry. The only thing I can hear is a high-pitched noise. I run even faster than I was before. I'm out of the house. I keep running. Through the garden that my mother and I  grew lots of strawberry plants, because that's our favorite fruit. I run through the street and town I grew up at. The place where I learned to ride my bike, when life was normal, it wasn't perfect. But compared to now it was beyond perfect. I run through the woods. But something stops me when a tree root catches my foot and I fall tossing Jake into a pile of leaves so I don't squish him. Jake starts crying even louder 'great' I sarcastically complain. I get up and brush myself off. His cry gets louder and louder until I can't take it anymore. 'SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP' I yell! I go over and get him.

  I go to the willow tree I sit with my back against it. I hug Jake close, and All that I can manage to do is cry.

 

My sister is dead.

 

My father is missing.

 

My mother died giving birth to Jake.

 

He is the only family I have left.

  

'Oh Jake' I pause, 'what are we going to do?'

     

Author's Note

New book!! Tell me what you think. Please leave kind reviews :) Thank You!

Reviews

[Chris]

The idea and the way you work it into horror is good. Edits will take care of the spelling and grammar flaws. It will be interesting to see where you take it from here.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

I like the speed of your writing. I Enjoy with it . Thank you.

[Inject Positivity]

Just awesome......Looking for more like this.....Well done

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you!

[Rachel McLean]

I liked the idea of this, but you might want to make the font bigger just in case someone has poor eyesight. It's not really an essential thing, but I guess you could consider it. Also, when you said 'Its black as the devils heart,' I think you might want to add another 'as' in there to complete the phrase thingie so it's something like "It's as black as the devil's heart'. I really like the short but emotional sentences that you used at the end. I find those to be a great touch to any piece and can really add a nice hint of suspense, even if its not something you were aiming for. Can't wait to read more, and keep posting!

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you!

[PoeticChico]

Very good story, Thanks for sharing with me. i really liked it.
just a quick suggestion, try using different fonts or styles for dialogue. just being picky i guess.
overall great story!

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you!

[Caroline]

It's a good opening...looking forward to the next one..

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good opening chapter. You create good story line, characters and dangerous situation. You held my attention till the last words. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Ana]

This is super interesting! I actually read the whole thing because I was so into it. It sounded like the beginning of a book I'd read, in my opinion.

[Embers-Rising]

Wow! Very dark compared to your other writing's, I myself loved it, the action in it is intense, I love the demon fog idea, you picked a really good cover picture too!

Keep up the good work Lia! :)

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you so much!

[Embers-Rising]

You're welcome! :)

[Breezy]

I know you said kind reviews, so I'm also including some constructive criticism. :)

This is a great start. I enjoyed the scare element in it. Your description of how the fog took Ella was probably my favorite part thus far. I, however, did have trouble reading this chapter. There were several details that could be excluded--the strawberry part for example. Some sentences could be condensed or combined. The "Jeeze your fast" in the third paragraph doesn't seem like something the narrator would say in her present situation. All in all, a good story. The last couple sentences work really well. Keep it up!

[HipsterPrincess17]

Thank you!