I Know What I Am

A friar comes to our good Catholic school talking about our callings and what we're good at. What am I good at? 

"If you can't think of anything," he says. "Think of what people say to you. What do they say to your face? What do your friends and peers say to you? What do your parents say to you?"

S**t.

B***h.

W***e.

That's what they say. 

Is that all I am? Is that what I'm good at?

Is that my 'calling'?

I know they're mostly joking. I love them, they're my friends. But is that all I am?

I give them enough reason to say such things. I go through guys like they're nothing, as evidence by what I did today. The best friend of my ex that I slept with just to get back at him. That's what a b***h does. What a s**t does. What a w***e does. 

I say it myself sometimes. I make jokes about what I am. Who I am. And it's fine. Usually it doesn't bother me. 

But what else am I? 

That's all people say to me. My own mother has called me a s**t, and with good reason. 

What do I do with myself when all I'm good at is being a mean, ruthless person and spreading my legs? 

Every opinion of mine has marked me as what I am. But I don't know what else to do when the thought of loving and trusting someone so completely that my soul depends on them scares the absolute living s**t out of me. 

They ask me what's wrong. I noticeably shut down as I listen to the friar talk to us. Some let me be when they notice I can't function. Others push. And push. And push. Until I snap and get angry. And then once again I'm labelled a b***h. And then school ends and I get in the car with a guy I barely know and show him where we can park. 

I don't know how to handle myself. How else can I completely unfocus and pretend I'm okay when I'm clearly not?

I don't know how to function and process what I feel. And so I ignore it and distract myself. 

I hate feelings and so I pretend I don't have any. And now all I'm doing is ranting. And it makes me sound like the self centered attention seeking blood thirsty c**k sucking s****y piece of s**t c**t that I know I am. 

Comment and review this. Do it. Tell me what I already know. I've accepted what I am and here I go. I'm going to go do what I'm best at. I'm going to go do the only thing I'm good at.

Reviews

[Chryiss]

And yet, honesty is in your piece. Names are just names, words are just words. Yes, words can hurt, but words are simply pointing to something, the word human doesn't mean human, it denotes of a real human, a living person. Words are references to an actual existence in reality. In which case, by creating a word, we create its opposite. Or not? But then what of what isn't a word, if it can't be described, does it still exist? These might seem silly questions with no relevance, but what is the weight of words, how to describe the indescribable... From here, it was asked once, why are there so many negative nouns and adjectives to call a girl, and so little of a boy? It's society at work. We create the names. We create the stigmas. In that case, how to identify ourself without knowing the self while having labels, words, thrown at us. Words mean so much yet so little. Supposedly we can never grasp our self until many many years experience and supposed gained wisdom, but every day can change us, every thought, and every feeling. It's not a word that changes, but what is experienced in life and in our hearts and minds. Why do we care so much? Why do we care so little? Where is the balance. What is balance? Hmm...... All these thoughts came to mind after I read was prompted to think.
In regards to the story, I think it's very well done in it's honesty and insight into the self, yes, even while claiming not to know the self. But who says knowing the self means knowing all of the self? A little at a time never hurt anyone. Besides, seems like some kind of epiphany knowing all of oneself.
"But I don't know what else to do when the thought of loving and trusting someone so completely that my soul depends on them scares the absolute living s**t out of me."
I'm no expert, but "loving and trusting someone so completely that my soul depends on them" is rather rare! It might seem mean or unfair, but giving everything to one person is very hard and oftentimes not necessary. It's tiresome if it's uneven, and the human psyche and habit can sometimes almost prevent it ever happening. It's not wrong that it's scary to love so much. But loving a little isn't wrong too. Jumping into something with everything is a risk that wagers all--why wouldn't that be scary, much less, with one's whole self, existence.
"I don't know how to handle myself. How else can I completely unfocus and pretend I'm okay when I'm clearly not?"
Ah, so relatable. Both the pretending and the unstated ignoring of people we know are not okay whether because we don't care or don't know what to do.
"I don't know how to function and process what I feel. And so I ignore it and distract myself."
If no human has ever felt this, then I dare say they aren't human.
"I hate feelings and so I pretend I don't have any. And now all I'm doing is ranting. And it makes me sound like the self centered attention seeking blood thirsty c**k sucking s****y piece of s**t c**t that I know I am."
Haha! Feelings are dumb. They're funny too. It's a love-hate relationship, but it's the spice of life. Seriously, it would be so boring without them. Just like a lover or a friend, if you can't have the best of me, you can't have the worst (creds Monroe). Even pretending one doesn't have one is a feeling all it's own. Funny, we can't escape, unless, well, we're a rock, I suppose. Ranting? Hah. Isn't that what I just did and am still doing. Blah. As for attention seeking, honestly, we all are in some way, and that's being we're a social and intelligent species. It sounds too simple and scientific, but there's no running away from our DNA. And I don't mean the 90 or whatever percent we have in common with some other living creature.
Words can be so ugly even while being beautiful. But again, they denote something in reality. Even with that, why is reality judged so? It's judgement itself that is wrong. It's a way of ascertaining worth where worth can't be valued, diminishing others in order to elevate another. Let's pretend we don't care about the labels while caring about the labels. What ambivalence. But I do love ambivalence.
Don't do what you're the best at. Do what you're good at. Do what you're good at until you find all that you're the best at. Simply live and ascertain for yourself, what is your truth. Not his or hers or theirs, yours. That truth will be your unshakable pillar that may or may not be made of elastic.

Ah, this was fun~ I do love a piece which makes me think and asks me to do so. Sorry not sorry for the length, it doesn't matter whether it is heard, simply that it was said and passed. I cannot claim to understand everything others experienced as it's easier suggesting than it is to actually do. Choices are ours alone and we bear the brunt and strength of it all. What is wrong or right, good or bad, it really doesn't matter. It's all words and thoughts of another. Rather think for oneself in order to find oneself and find life, whatever it may be. It would be boring if everyone were all the same, were all different. Connections, or no connections? How many? How little?
But, what are words and feelings anyway? Just stare up at the azure and feel infinity~

Really, thank you for making me muse and rant. Perhaps I was in the mood~ Good day reader, good life and adieu~

[Askew]

This piece could be published on it this site on it's own without the connection to my piece. I thought it was beautiful and insightful. You speak of my piece making you think, but this has done the exact same for me. I have to thank you for this. I know that I'll be coming back to it in the future to reread these thoughts of yours.

[Chris Shaw]

It takes courage and honesty to write like this. Emotions at your age are often all over the place, and the strength of what you feel can be difficult to deal with. You remind me of a young person I know who had similar feelings and difficulties, found life challenging and
had emotional disregulation. He grew out of it, but it took time. What you are good at is expressing yourself. Maybe you should have told that friar that you are good at writing? I am sure there is other stuff you are good at, but won't admit. I found your self analysis to be really harsh. Any way I wish you well and suggest you keep writing, you are good at it Lexi.

Chris

[Morgan Yai]

Wow, I can relate to this in many ways. I think a lot of people can. The things we do to avoid feeling emotion... It gets a bit crazy sometimes. Working through emotions is a tricky thing and takes a lot of time and patience to learn that skill. I hope this isn't how you really feel. I hope this is a fictional story, but I am sure there is at least some semblance of truth in there. I wish you the best.

[Askew]

This is, I regret to say, a completely true story. I'm still working through these problems of mine and how I let other people affect me, but knowing based on the reviews I've gotten that I'm not the only one experiencing these sorts of things has been very helpful.

[Morgan Yai]

That is absolutely true, and if you ever want to talk more about it, you can message me

[Askew]

Thank you for that offer, that means a lot

[Hunter Mullis]

I heavily disagree. so. yeet yeet and all that.

[Amaya]

Wow, this is a very powerful piece. When you said "I don't know what else to do when the thought of loving and trusting someone so completely that my soul depends on them scares the absolute living s**t out of me," I really felt that because it's extremely relatable. Intimacy with no strings or serious emotions attaching you to the other person is something a lot of people look for when they want a distraction. But the downside to this is although it distracts you and possibly fills a void, it is only a temporary solution because all of those feelings come back and can sometimes become worse. My word of advice to you is do what you think you need to do, but always keep your own physical and emotional wellbeing in mind.