English Class Was Ruined

Written to keep myself calm throughout an in-class panic attack after my teacher screamed and triggered a flashback of my abuser

One of the worst things in life that I have experienced time and time again is learning that someone you admired, someone you looked up to, someone whose company you enjoyed, is fully capable of causing a breakdown. Learning that they not only have the ability, but are willing to do it over and over again. They may not know that what they are doing can set you off, break you down, or cause you to go into full blown panic mode, but that doesn't stop them from becoming that person in your mind. You can't help but view them differently. And it hurts you. It hurts because it's as if they just fell off a heavenly cloud and landed perched on the devils shoulder. You know they aren't a bad person because you've gotten to know them. But it's different now. They've changed and you don't know how to fix it. Every time you look at them you see someone else. You see someone dark, someone sharp, someone LOUD. And you want to run away. Every one of your instincts is begging you to flee, for they sense danger. But you can't. Because you're in class. And they are your teacher. And you're their student. And they just screamed. Not yelled. Not shouted. Screamed. And you're mind flashed back to someone else who followed such a scream with blinding pain. Now you're breathing heavily because you can't help but expect that sort of pain. You can already feel it. Phantom pains that cause your hands to shake and your nails to dig into your palms. You can't look at them, who used to be your favourite teacher, because you're scared of seeing someone else. You're scared out of your goddamn mind, but you're alone with no one to listen to you. You have no one because you're in class and they are lecturing you and your peers. You can't even cry. You need to but you're eyes are bone dry. Hours. There are hours and hours before you will be home. Alone in your room. Away from all distractions and painful memories. You crave solitude. Everyone reminds you of someone else.

Author's Note

I know this isn't my best work, and it doesn't flow very smoothly, but it's real and means something to me. It's not meant to be good.

Reviews

[Norah]

You know in life, no matter how close you are to someone, they will eventually change and it is either this "new" them suits us or not. I believe that time repeats itself, always. So, we will always be reminded. People sometimes hurt their close ones by mistake, and some other times it is just negligence. I remember myself feeling alone and always needing someone, just wanting to go back home and be alone in my room. I'm years past that now and I still suffer. But this loneliness, this need, you need to make something useful out of. Pain takes time, it does not vanish but you need to let it in so you can climb it. It is really a beautiful gift to be able to feel so many things, especially those things that help us create bonds.

[Diana Wolf (Jacqueline ..]

This is beautiful. You conveyed your emotions well and touches something deep in me. I like how it is just written down emotions.

[Lydia Waldock]

Oh, darling, I remember that day and as I said you last night you are loved and so much stronger than you allow yourself to believe

[Askew]

Lydia honey I love you so much, I'm really grateful to have you as one of my best friends

[Lydia Waldock]

I love you

[Zayir]

You did an amazing job of conveying how you felt. Beautifully written and heart wrenching, if you ever need someone to talk to just know we're here

[Starbuck]

This feels very raw and sincere. Writing about panic during a panic attack invites vulnerability but it can also be a healing process. The unbridled emotion this piece exhibits does such a good job of inducing a sense of urgency and anxiety in the reader. Thank you for speaking up about such a difficult topic and for sharing something so personal.

[Stan Lee]

You did good. People don't understand why I don't like loud noises/violence/blood. I think you'd understand. Good for you for penning it down.

[JJKimii]

It really emanates emotion. The writing is very passionate and feels real. The last line reminds me of Ernest Hemingway's "I Guess Everything Reminds You Of Something," and that connection also adds the haunting, melancholy feel of the text. Good job and don't be too hard on yourself^^