Withered Love

The warm sky continues to shine

as if telling me you're still mine

holding hands in between of a broken line

while I sigh, waiting for that intangible sign

As my heart begin to weep

I break a promise that I can't keep

You look at me with your dumb faithful eyes

finally, in your hand you held the prize.

Soon, all the magical words have died

all the smiles turned into cry

thought our love would be revived..

it's just happened we didn't survive

But still, you want me in your side 

your penetrated gaze feels I'm your bride

even I have told you so many times

Our love started with hot kisses but ended in cold goodbye..

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

When love died. Died badly.
"But still, you want me in your side
your penetrated gaze feels I'm your bride
even I have told you so many times
Our love started with hot kisses but ended in cold goodbye.."
I liked the honest tone and truth of the above lines. When the love is gone. Run. Thank you Mariwel for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Mariwel Lao]

Thanks! I appreciate it.. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[Island Hippy]

Aloha Mariwel, honest and very confronting truths! Heavy with emotion, well expressed. Izzy

[Mariwel Lao]

Thank you! :) much appreciated. :)

[Karmee]

wow wee!! that last line feels so cold but desperate. I really enjoyed this write. So very nicely written.

[Mariwel Lao]

Hi! Thank you for reading my poem.. :) It's feels good to know you enjoyed it! :)

[JayG]

Seems to need a bit of work.

Logically, it doesn't work . Someone who has "faithful eyes," and is seen as dumb, is the same one who, in the next stanza is hoped would revive love, without ever having it lost. And in the following this same person feels our protagonist is his bride. Perhaps you're saying that the speaker, for unknown reasons, has stopped loving the character, but the important word is, perhaps. You know. The characters know. But the reader... In S1L2 you say, "As if you're still mine. But the thrust of the poem is that he is, and that it's the protagonist who's changed, which doesn't track.

And in line with that you say, "the magical words have died," but give no reason. I suspect that a good deal of the story is still in your head. And since the reader has only the words you provide...

From a structure standpoint, you you need to focus more tightly on prosody. Your lines wander from iambic to trochaic (S1L3, S2L1 & 4, S3L2 & 3) unpredictably, and while number of feet are constant, which is good, it goes to hell on the last line. But, are the words "hot" and "cold" really necessary there? Love implies passionate kisses, and a goodby of the kind mentioned is inherently cold. And without them it scans properly.

Sorry my news isn't better.

Hang in there, and keep on writing,

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[wordman]

love,it has a sharp side as well,i guss we all bleed sometimes

[Mariwel Lao]

Yes it has.. Thanks for reading! :)

[Christian Bonoan]

I'm kind of getting the point of this poem.
For me, it is quite heart breaking and cold at the same time.

I feel like the lines are well written as if they're made for each other, but the characters in this story are not. ;)

[Mariwel Lao]

Thanks! because you've felt the emotions in my poem.. :)