Please forgive me....

This is dedicated to someone I hurt

You came back

I was so excited

Exponentially delighted

 

You told me how you were

I listened with delight

Your smile looked so bright

 

We talked for many hours

Dreaming of the day

We would meet and together go away

 

We would go to the beach

Talk and talk

Walk and walk

 

I never want to let you go

Please don’t leave

It would be hard to breathe

 

I know I screwed up

I made a mistake

Now all I want to do is stay awake

 

I want to talk to you

But alas I wait for your return

So that I can express my love and total concern

 

Please forgive me

That is all I ask

I hope I can live up to your task

Reviews

[demonfox]

its pretty good

[The Perfectionist]

If you asked me to make you a cheese sandwich and I gave you a slice of cheese, would you be unhappy? Maybe, maybe not, but you would definitely wonder where the bread was. That's what reading this poem is like. You have the rhyming down to a science, but there's no rhythm.

I'll be very clear. Rhyme is IRRELEVANT without rhythm. Our minds don't automatically look at the last syllable of the next line for a rhyme; rhythm demands that it be the same syllable.

A few stanzas are okay. The first two work and the fourth one works. But the rest...well, let's just look at the third one, for example:

Dreaming of the day (5)
We would meet and together go away (10)

TWICE as long. That just won't do. You establish the form you want in the first two stanzas, and then it just all goes to hell in the later ones. Either find a way to rework it, shorten those third lines, or just drop the rhyming.

[Halkhend]

this is sad i do like it though

[Poetic Beauty]

This a heart felt poem that I can feel through your words. Great job on showing your emotions in this poem

[Manda]

this was sad and made me almost cry. very well done writing this!

[Ecros Lathes]

It is A poem that made tears come to my eyes. good job and I hope you the best of luck. :)

[Eidolon Michael]

This was very emotionally charged, it seems. The way it's seperated into only 3 lines per section(stanzas, I think? Idk, I'm not poetry-lingo-savvy lol) really helps move it along and helps keep the poem going at a steady pace, so that the reader doesn't read it too fast, or too slow. Nicely written.

[NoAirToBreatheXSuffocat..]

sweetnesss! good job, keep writing

[An owl on the moon]

What a tender, gripping write.. your heart extended reaching for grace and forgiveness.. You express so well one who is seeking to love in every way.

[Luna Northstar]

so sweet, great job!