The Nurse

The second chapter to my novel.

The nurse is a medium heighted woman. Like the prisoners said, she has a large behind yet the rest of her is thin and proportional. Her face is covered in too much makeup, as if she has a problem with herself. She is proud of the fact that she is so clean and neat; she adjusts her uniform constantly and makes sure everything is pressed properly.

A calm smile comes across her face as if she has just proven a point; her strut is that of someone who is walking to the grove of a song, and yet inside she feels a sense of desperation and need. She is walking down a dim lit corridor; it does not seem to end, it is a long line of doors on both sides, the buzz of the fluorescent lights a-fervor. She starts to change physiologically; as if a new personality has entered her mind.

She begins to get anxious, jittery and paranoid. Finally she gets to the nurses lounge; it is a dimly lit room that smells of cigarettes and rubbing alcohol. The other nurses are reading their magazines and talking amongst themselves. She slowly walks to the coat room and puts something into her coat’s pocket. The room is dark so she thinks she has cover, until…

“Maggie? That you?” a nurse said.

She turns and looks at the nurse, bewildered.

“Sorry, you scared me there…” she pulls out a set of keys “…I thought I lost my keys…I was just making sure I still had them.” She gives a fake smile.

The nurse smiles back and gives a nod, then leaves.  A look of disgust goes over Maggie’s face; she pulls the bag out of her pocket and begins to caress it as if it were a baby. She then gives a moan and puts it away. “Very soon” she said, “very, very soon.” She looks back to make sure no one is around and puts it back in her pocket, then put her coat on and walks out of the room.

She engages in some small talk to pity the nurses but quickly exits the room. Corridor after corridor she walks down, her pace quickening. She begins to jog, her shoes echoing down the hall, a frantic look on her face. She finally gets to her car; she looks as if she had just run a marathon, sweat dripping down her arms, face and hair. She is trying to unlock her car but is so disheveled that she drops her keys.

She takes a seat on the concrete for a second, takes a deep breath and says “Calm down Maggie, just make it home and you will be fine. You did your part and you will get one more and the go to rehab.” She picks herself off the ground, gets in her car and drives off.

The drive is so long for her. She counts the trees as she speeds down the long stretch of road. The darkness is like a veil blocking her vision. She begins to become anxious again and presses full speed on the pedal. Finally her house is in view, her tired screech as she slides into her driveway, knocking trash cans over.

After a long drive home she scrambles into her house. She locks the doors, pulls the curtains shut and goes to her room. With a heavy sigh of relief, she takes the contents of her pocket and puts it on her bed. She puts her coat and clothes away and puts on a night gown. She grabs the bag and sits cross legged on her bed. She opens the bag, and puts a little bit on the tip of her finger and just stares at it, smiling intently.

 She puts the powder to her nose and takes a long, deep sniff; engulfing the powder into her nose. She then proceeds to snort, in lines, the entire bag. She seems happy for a moment, but then she goes into shock. Blood pours out of her nose, and she cannot breath. She starts to convulse and minutes later, dies a slow, painful death.

 

 

“I wonder if she is dead by now. She is such a dumb addict. She should have known when she touched the powder that it wasn’t coke but she was so in need of a fix, I don’t think she cared.” He laughs maniacally while jingling a set of keys, “that b***h was dumb enough to snort anthrax, and now, thanks to her, my plan is now in motion...”

Author's Note

This is an edited version of the original

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

Aldora beat me to this one, though I'd go a little farther. This is VERY hard to read.

I have no real idea what this story is about, and even this chapter is all out of sorts. I'd complain about your pacing, but I don't even know if I can call it pacing. As in the last one, you speed up, then you slow down, then you speed up, and I really don't know what's important and what's not. It all goes by in a blur of bad grammar and juvenile language.

I've seen this problem before, and the easiest and quickest fix is to slow the hell down. Having read this over twice now, I can see that you've actually got quite a bit to say in this chapter, but you're in such a hurry to say it you skim over stuff. Considering the events that transpire, this should be twice this long, if not longer. You would benefit from a lot more description, and not moving the scene forward until the reader has caught up with what's going on.

Don't forget, we have zero idea who these people are or why they're doing what they're doing or if they're important. Only you know those things, and keeping us in the dark the way you're doing it isn't making me want to read on, it's just making me want to stop altogether.

[Halkhend]

haha another good one :)

[Norma M Sutton]

This could just be my take on it, but I would change the wording of the first sentence. I'm not sure heighted is a "proper" word. Instead of, "The nurse is a medium heighted woman." Maybe arrange it so that it reads something like, "The nurse is a woman of medium height." or something similar.

[Aldora Sparrow]

Again, same as before. A little difficult to read. Yes, I've noticed the description in this and it certainly helps. But some of it sounds really awkward. Especially the first sentence. "she is a medium heighted woman." I get your meaning, but it is too juvenile, for the lack of a better word. Try rephrasing it. Medium height doesn't tell me much. the use of a similie or metaphor would work here. Just play around a little with the words.
Otherwise, nice basis and plenty of room for improvement. keep it up!

[The Analog Kid]

So far, so good!

[Ryan Falzon - Tymon]

Awesome!! sorry for the late read!

[JenLyn]

Awesomely wicked! Next chapter please!!! Great write! Keep it up! :)

[Luna Northstar]

I love it, to the next chapter!

[Kristen]

This is turning out very well so far, can't wait for more!

- S.T.

[Havatara]

He? Who he? He who? lol I can't wait to read the next chapter!