Annabel

Please read my story, "The Blue Elk" first

Cell 159

Inhabitant: Annabel Sandrake

 

“You enjoyed sticking it in me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! You sure fooled me; I deserved it I suppose for not seeing how you looked at her…” Her gaze tightens as if she is staring a hole through someone, though no one is there. Suddenly she breaks into laughter. She is hysterical, the mania burns in her eyes.

The light flickers, her expression changes. She is now calm. Her eyes are like that of a child; innocent, pure, and full of hope.

“It started in elementary school didn’t it? You were so nice back then.  Every day you and I would play on the swings together, pick flowers by the fence of the playground, and….when I fell you would bring me a bandage. I looked forward to seeing you every day. My fondest memory of you was when you bought me my first valentine. I cried tears of joy; my youth was just beginning then. We stayed friends for years, getting closer each day until we decided to be together.”

She looks up “I was so happy. Every day I tried to make an adventure. Things were perfect. I remember the feel of your soft hands, the feeling of your hair when I ran my fingers through it, your touch…..I was so happy for those years we were together. And then…”

She looks up and screams with a gargantuan shriek

“WHAT DO YOU DO...on the night we made love for the first time you tell me…” She starts to heave in breaths heavily “…YOUTELL ME THAT YOU ARE LEAVING ME FOR THAT PLASTIC PUBESENT POLE DANCER FROM OUR GYM CLASS! You made me sit there day after day watching her sit on your lap, sucking on your ear just to tempt a response from me!” She is now crying, tears well down her face, though they are tears from anger. She then wipes them away.

“I remember every detail. I promised myself when we got together that I would remember everything. Thanks to you I have a photographic memory.  I remember every day coming back to my house and going nuts over you and her. I destroyed my room many times thanks to you. I had to keep my fist clenched during class also, although once I broke my hand on the wall out of sure frustration and anger. Then THAT day came.” She has a look of pure rage on her face, clenching her fists she decides to squeeze the bars of her cot so as to not hit something.

“Then one day you decided to push me over the edge. I am not sure if it was ego or just a way to make me suffer but you went too far! I was walking my usual route to school and what do I see? I see you and her having sex up against a tree! Then when you saw me you gave me a grin and said ‘Woops, sorry I didn’t think you came this way. I was really just waiting to see what you would say’ and you laughed!”  She lets out a murderous scream.

 “I scream bloody murder. Then I ran. I ran and ran until I got to school I knew there was no point in standing for this. Well you wanted a response from me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! I saw how you always looked at that….thing of hers when she bent over and I knew that is when you were most distracted, and since she was your accomplice in my suffering I had to get rid of her too. Gym was the right time. I snuck into the gym and looked for a way to end you and then I found it. There were punching bags hanging from the ceiling that were tied to rope behind the stage in the gym. Then I saw on the stage that there were mats…so I just made a little snip” she snickers mischievously “oh the thud was stupendous, and her scream was music to my ears. Then another snip and….” She grins, “My revenge was complete.”

A wicked smile came across her face, and then said sarcastically, “My favorite part was when the prosecutor asked me ‘Did you cut he lines to the punching bag above the male deceased and then perceded to cut the straps holding the schools wrestling mats tugther, thus causing the deaths of both deceased?’ and I said ‘wow your grammar sucks, duh I cut them you twat waffle!’ her reaction was priceless! I guess the judge felt I belong in this damp place. Especially after my lawyer tried the make a move on me….and I bit her tongue out when she tried to kiss ME!” She is laughing so hard she is crying.

Then a voice came from behind her “Annabel, SHUT UP! You are disturbing the other inmates…” said the prison nurse.

“Oh you, the women with the fat butt, are going to tell me to shut up? HA, yeah right! You can take those pills and shove them….”

“ORDERLY!” screamed the nurse and two orderlies appeared, “Tie her down so we can feed her, her daily dose.” The two big men entered the cell and strapped her down, her screaming vulgarity the whole time. Eventually, they strapped her down and they injected a liquid version of her medicine. She was then calm. She remained calm for two days; the nurse pumped her full of three times the dosage necessary…

“Hey nurse!” yelled an inmate. The nurse went over to the next cell. “Cell 160....why are you bent over?” The nurse was appalled.

“Unlike that stupid woman I am more than willing to take my medicine” says the man laughing at the disgust of the nurse.

“Ugh.” She scowled and put the medicine, in a cup, on the platform in the center of his door.

“AWWWWW you’re no fun, same time tomorrow? Oh wait, I am going to die in three days! Well I guess I shall see you in the lustful level of hell” He said with a smile. “Looks like things are getting interesting tonight….”  He sneered as the nurse wheeled her cart away.

Author's Note

This is an edited version of the original chapter

Reviews

[H-Jonesy]

God that was wonderfull! ive have honestly been looking for a good book to keep up with and ive found it!.
my only suggestion would be to add some more detail, it will make your piece longer and more interesting. but great great job. please keep it up

[Ashley Black]

really really well written good job i enjoyed it thoroughly

[E. A. Fielder]

Wow this was really captivating so far. crazy people. My mind is lost...

[The Perfectionist]

Now the prison nurse may have a fat butt, but she is a 'woman' not 'women'. Also, there should be a space in 'YOUTELL', and you need a C in 'PUBESENT'

The ending is a bold but rather pointless attempt to make this chapter about anything other than Annabel.

I have a few complaints about this, and before you go an ignore them, I'd like to point out that I DO recognize that she's supposed to be all over the place, but there are some things that does not excuse.

For one thing, your pacing is out of whack. Annabel glosses over some things, then goes into intricate detail on some other things. If she really had a photographic memory, she would be detailed everywhere. She's also talks in surprisingly high language for a crazy girl (and judging from the surrounding text, she's not too old either).

Your grammar is also pretty bad, but I mostly blame that on the fact that you've made this chapter largely dialogue, and that always creates an extra challenge to be grammatically accurate.

I would suggest writing this all in past tense; it's easier than present tense, and if this trend is going to continue it'll make the dialogue a lot easier to write and a hell of a lot easier on the reader.

[Halkhend]

wow this is good :)

[Aldora Sparrow]

You say this is edited, but I'm not convinced that that, however much you did, is enough. True, the basis is set, but you should elaborate more on it. Description would help tremendously. you should also play around with the format of the whole thing. A few times my eyes skipped to the wrong line and I had to go back. Take a look at some of the grammatical errors. It was certainly interesting to read and I think you should make it easier to read so others can enjoy the whole beauty of it

[The Analog Kid]

I dig the insanity!

[JenLyn]

Very dark, madness, insanity, very crazy and intense!!! An awesome write!!! Keep it up!!! :) KUDOS TO YOU!!!

[Havatara]

Fantastic job. I was sort of confused because you jumped around a lot, but that ws because she was crazy, right? And what do you mean, "She remained calm for two days"? Does that mean she got back on her normal crazy schedule afterwards, or she died? I guess I'll have to read on and find out.

[Star Wolf]

Scary place!

[Tina Kline]

Nicely dark.