Letter 11/10/2016

A Poem by LettersToYou

I met your boyfriend and had one too many

I said hello and wanted to know him,

revel in his recollection

but he didn’t seem to have any

he didn’t know me

and I was sad because he didn’t

because what am I to you?

But I suspect it’s more about where your head’s at and what you two are going through

not everything is about me.

I know that. I see.

I’m not delusional.

I too, feel us vanishing as you hand me my tea.

I went on a date tonight

we talked for two hours

it didn’t feel quite right at first

but then it got easier.

I liked her composure as we sipped whiskey sours

And she didn’t make me feel like I constantly had to please her.

it may never become something real

but I’m trying.

and I haven’t written about you as much so that must be a sign

that it doesn’t possess the same kind of appeal

so I’m growing

I’m learning

I’m not writing poems and prose of cyclical woes

I’m not stuck

I’m moving

there’s not as much to say, is all

I’m no longer at your beck and call

you don’t give me a lot

you don’t inspire

and I don’t look as hard anymore

I let the hurt retire

and maybe I should have learned by now

maybe I should know

that you’re not worth the word count

because you and I don’t amount

to much

and you don’t inquire about me

you haven’t gotten that far

so why should I spend my time

asking you how you are?

But what is this world that is crumbling around us? We were together when the last was reelected and the mood was calm. Hopeful. There was no fuss.

But now we meet face to face with what was so unexpected, so eagerly rejected, so stubbornly deflected.

and I’m nervous for us as a country and I’m nervous for us as people who pretend everything is okay. We plaster smiles and pretend we don’t feel. Exes play at being strangers in order to heal.

my hope is deflated, my walls torn down, and I just want to tell you that I care

but for what? and why? Am I still in your snare?

I’m sorry for us and I do care so there

and what is going on? Can someone explain

can’t we hide together//reveal ourselves again

and hold each other when we feel fragile

everything is so fragile.

But you’re with him and he’s nice and all and a ginger too

and he makes bad jokes

but I can’t hate him

like I can’t hate you

and I can’t hold you because you don’t want me to

and this is the world we live in somehow

we’re divided

everyone is divided now

not just us

it’s not about us.

I know that and thus

I realize these feelings are stirring because we’re on the cusp

of something that scares me more than I think I’ve been scared before.

There’s so much now that is bigger, so much that takes precedent, so much more! But I still think of you inside the chaos and the rioting and all that hate

I think of you inside the mundanity of a quiet Sunday late when everything is still and I can forget for a moment

that we are roaring and reeling about this country’s fate

I still think about you inside of it all.

In spite of our flaws.

Another letter unsent, addressed to you.