11 o'clock on a Saturday

These are the wounds of war,
I’ll let the salt from my tears cleanse the pain.
Crying for God,
“where is my salvation?”
A heart constructed of stone
was assumed to crack at one point in time.
As the pieces crumble to dust,
I’ll let it fall through my fingers.
These are the wounds of war,
I’ll let the salt from my tears cleanse the pain.
Crying for God,
“where is my salvation?”
If I gash my wrist, I release the sin,
but I’m still going to Hell.
I’ll clasp my hands together, and intertwine my fingers as I scream up at the Heavens,
Crying out for God,
“where is my salvation?”
Redemption for me-
the girl who started it all.

 

Reviews

[Gonzo Jack]

It was an okay poem but it wasn't terribly original. Pieces crumbling to dust, wrist gashing -- it was bland, to be honest. It wasn't awful, not by a longshot (I've read worse, trust me), but it's not the best.

[Michael]

Very strong work. I really do like the flow and feel of it. While I am not the biggest fan of free verse, you prove it to be a valid form of poetry with this. So often, it is trite or more prose dressed up like poetry. Yours is true poetry.

There is nothing of a objective nature to suggest for improvement but something of the more subjective did come to mind. You make a strong statement in your lines:

If I gash my wrist, I release the sin,
but I'm still going to Hell.

and it works very well, but it occurred to me that by phrasing it as question might make the point even stronger in the reader's mind, something like this:

If I gash my wrist... will I release the sin?
Still, I'll go straight to Hell.

Please don't think I am being too critical, far from it as I like it as it stands, just wanted to give you something to ponder on.

Great Job!

[PianoandPage]

i really love the line "these are the wounds of war" - great alliteration.

also "gash the wrists - release the sin" - powerful and has a sort of irreverance that i love.

i think that you could have moved this further out from certain themes but the repeated style and the emotional energy came through and was effective.

[An owl on the moon]

Moves like a psalm, with the brilliant repetition and deep emotional cries... The imagery is vivid and stark, creating an atmosphere of pain and loss. Excellent write!