Vampire kiss

I dread the vampire's kiss.

This thing that puts my heart at risk.

He sings his suductive melody.

That pulls me to my new destiny.

He leaves me with his poisness bite

All I know is somethings not right.

I have this unwanted lust,

That makes blood such a must.

I am now a creature of the night.

In my eyes there is no fright.

Know that im not as nice as I may seem.

For I am a face that will haunt your dreams.

I shall never forget the vampire's kiss.

Nobody's was as life changing as his.

Now to live I have to kill,

And my heart feels so still.

My life will never be the same.

Now that I play the vampire's deadly game

Author's Note

I know there might be some mistakes .....

Reviews

[CHRIS ANDES]

yeah the sixth line, put an apostrophe on "somethings"
and the 14th line remove the 's in the "nobody's" because it's somewhat redundant to the corresponding word "was"
well either of the two may be removed it's up to you
anyway, the theme is highly revealed in the color of the words
;p

[Call_Me_Miss_Imperfect]

Of course you would write something about vampires ;) Haha. But it's really good. Well done!

[D E V O N K E S I N G E..]

Damn, I really like this, good work :)

[TheArtOfInsanity]

Yes, there are mistakes, but everyone makes them, Legion has already pointed them out so I don't feel the need to do the same, but you're still a very talented individual, use Legion's corrections to better yourself at what you love to do, I've read most of the stuff you've written, and I applaud your skill. Not many people your age write anymore, and to see someone in your age group with so much potential keeps me hopeful for the literature world. Keep writing

[Legion]

"suductive" should be "seductive". "Poisness" should be "poisonous". No period after "melody" at the end of the third line for you haven't finished the sentence until the 4th line. A period at the end of the 5th line. 11th line "im" should be "I'm" and no period at the end of that line for it finishes in the next line. Probably don't need a comma after "kill" in the 4th line from the bottom. That line would probably read better "Now, to live, I have to kill" for effect. No period after "same" in the next to last line and then put a period (or perhaps an exclamation point) at the end of the last line.
Now, all the technical stuff aside, this is pretty good for one so young. I like it and it is not the typical teen-age angst I want to love a vampire Twilight stuff that is out there making vampires look so tame and timid. Kudos to you on this. I think you might find my "The Curse from Madame Rouge" piece interesting. Kind of a similar piece except the victim is a man and the vampire is a woman. Anyway, kudos once again and keep on writing.

[*~*Butterfly Kisses*~*]

Reminds me of something I wrote way back when....nicely done I enjoyed this!

[The Winter Grey]

Some mistakes, sure... but this piece pulls you along, as if the vampire you speak of is literally dragging you into his world.

[eatmills]

Very nice. Loved the timing and the continuity of the piece.

The one thing that does rattle me is the form/style you have chosen - some words you've apostrophized and then the word that you should have, you didn't. It's like building a house using different windows everywhere.

Still, putting aside my beliefs, it is a great write and I enjoyed reading it.

[Nicholas Antonio Young]

This is very nicely written :) It has a good suspenseful mood throughout and the rhymes are well placed :) Good job!

[SuicidePact.]

it rhymes!

i loved this so much!!!!