Blind sex

A Screenplay by Leroy Gnardd

A 12 page comedy written to be preformed by a comedy troupe

BLIND SEX

                A comedy sketch

                       BY

                  LEROY GNARDD

INT. WOMAN'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

A MAN and WOMAN are sitting close together on a couch holding
hands looking into each others eyes after a juicy makeout
session. The lights are dim with some candles and sensual
music playing in the background

MAN
(visably happy)
Wow everything tonight has just been
so wonderful. Being able to spend
time with you and that dinner you
cooked was just so great--

WOMAN
(blushing)
Oh You're so sweet, it sure didn't
look like much when I pulled it out
of the oven so I'm glad you liked it

MAN
You know I don't care about looks. I
thought it was delicious

They begin getting physical again. after a little while the
woman stops

WOMAN
You know we've Been seeing each other
a few times now and I really like
you. I just want you to know I'm
ready to take the next step if you
are?

The man stops looking affectionate and immediately begins
looking nervous

MAN
You mean
(Nervous beat)
Bedroom stuff?

WOMAN
I mean... unless your not ready

MAN
(Trying to look confident and
cool)
Whaaat? For sex? I.. i could go for
some sex. I've done..lots of sex.

WOMAN
Oh?
(Confused by his nervous
answer)
like what do you mean lots?

MAN
oh. I dont mean like
(Goofily)
LOTS
(trying to compose himself )
Just ah. You know. a regular amount.

The man and woman sit staring at each other

WOMAN
Soooooo

MAN
(Stares blankly at her not
blinking)

WOMAN
Bedroom?

MAN
(A look of realization come
over his face and he begins to
get up the the couch)yup, For
sure

The woman gets up from the couch and makes her way across
the apartment and into what is perceived as her bedroom. you
hear Her call out to the man

WOMAN
I hope you are Ok with a little dirty
talk?

MAN
(Trying to think of something
sexy to say)
Oh yes. im totally I'm ready to rock
your zone
(said unsurely)

Man stands up from couch - woman pokes head out from door way

WOMAN
(Confused)
What?

MAN
(Thinking feverishly)
I said I think I hear my phone
(Pulls phone out of pocket
Waiting for it to ring-it
doesn't)

WOMAN
(You see her go back inside The
other room)
whatever, hurry up and get in here

the MAN starts to Walk toward the bedroom But turns back and
feels around couch And finds his PROBING CANE We see now that
HE'S BLIND he bumbles his way to the bedroom tapping his cane
all the way closing the door behind him

INT. BUSY DOWNTOWN CITY COFFEE SHOP. DAY.

The woman and woman's friend are sitting in a corner far away
from the doors-- leaning in close clearly gossiping-- the
cafe is small has a modern look with people constantly
entering and exiting

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(Shocked)
He did what!

WOMAN
Well the lights were off and I was
expecting him to Get into the bed but
instead I heard a few taps and then
(Exaggerated)
WHAM cane in my EYE

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(surprised confused look)
Cane? How old is this guy

WOMAN
Oh no I thought I told you he's blind

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(said very loudly)
HES BLIND!?

A few people in the cafe turn their heads in the direction of
the women

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(Toned down)
BLIND girl what's wrong with you?

WOMAN
I didn't tell you?

WOMAN'S FRIEND
I'm pretty sure I would remember my
bestie is dating a blind man, there
are literally hundreds of thousands
of men in this city who CAN see why
do you pick mr.magoo??

WOMAN
Well my sister wanted to set me up
with a guy because it had been a
while since I had dated so I said why
not

WOMAN'S FRIEND
You do know that "blind date" is just
a phrase right? Not actually to be
taken literally.

WOMAN
Actually he's really nice but
(Wincing slightly)
But there's more

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(Eyes widen)
No

The woman looks around to see who's around and leans In and
whispers something in audible to the audience

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(Loudly)
HE WHAT!

WOMAN
Like swinging a bat at a ball

WOMAN'S FRIEND
How long did this go on for

WOMAN
longer than I want to admit

WOMAN'S FRIEND
Who does that. How could that even be
expected to be pleasurable.

WOMAN
Well he's blind, and he said it's
been a while since he was with
someone

WOMAN'S FRIEND
sounds like forever since he's been a
with a woman

WOMAN
What is that supposed to mean?

WOMAN'S FRIEND
It means he's a virgin

WOMAN
No he's not. you think?
(Trying to reason)
He's blind so all sorts of things are
harder for him that we take for
granted.
(Trailing off)
Although that would explain the
condom...

WOMAN'S FRIEND
What do you mean

WOMAN
He tried to put the condom on me

WOMAN'S FRIEND
(Stone face)
What?..how do you...

WOMAN
I don't want to talk about it, the
point is yes maybe there were a few
things that were left to be desired.
But I mean after all it was the first
time. we were just.... Testing the
waters, finding boundaries,feeling
each other out you know? getting a
lay of the land. I'm sure next time--

WOMAN'S FRIEND
Next time? You mean you are going to
give him another chance? That sounds
like a bad idea so if you end up with
his cane thingy somewhere you don't
want it don't tell me I didn't warn
you.

WOMAN
Well unlike you I am a good person I
think he's sweet and I'm sure he's
not a virgin he just can't see too
well and I shouldn't snub him just
because of his disability. I'm going
to take the high road and im sure it
will be rewarding in the end

INT. BAR. NIGHT.

You see the man sitting at the end of the bar with his hand
on his forehead and a hand on his drink. There are people
around the bar playing pool and sitting at tables. You see
the bar tender washing a glass

BATENTER
What's wrong mac you've been looking
rough since you came in here

MAN
I don't know how to please a woman

BARTENDER
No body does

MAN
(Supposedly said quietly but
he's drunk so said not too
subtley) I mean sexually

BARTENDER
Well uh
(Bartender leans in)
What kind of moves are you using

MAN
I don't even have moves, last night
was my first time and I don't think
it went very well. My whole life has
been an uphill battle, whoever said
being blind was easy--

Bartender interjecting

BARTENDER
I've never heard anyone say that

MAN
--They are wrong

BARTENDER
how bad could it have been? Even a
bad pizza is still a pizza.

MAN
(Said in drunken disbelief)
I tried to put a condom on a woman
and I guess that's not how they are
used

BARTENDER
that sounds like a pretty bad pizza
better luck next time

MAN
That's just it, she actually said we
can have a next time, why would she
do that! at least if she didn't I
wouldn't have to worry about
embarrassing myself again.

BARTENDER
Listen, I see youre down and I hear
what youre saying you got a bad break
and life's cards didn't fall in your
favour but you've made it this far
right--you've shown life you can
handle the obstacles it throws at you
and achieve a life like any other
person--you just have to take
whatever skills or tools you've
acquired through your disability and
apply them to this situation. Next
time you two are together and the
time comes for you two to get down to
the task at hand you take her to that
bed you just be confident and counqor
this experience the same way you
conqour all your problems!

MAN
(Drunkenly)
Wow--you are right--you are
absolutely right

Man stands up

MAN
I can do anythi--

The man violently pukes on the bar and on self

The bartender is disgusted

BARTENDER
Oh god--wha-- ahhhh GET OUT GET OUT
GET THE F**K OUT OF MY BAR YOU GROSS
BARFING MONSTER

INT. WOMAN'S APARTMENT. NIGHT

Once again we find The man and woman sitting on the couch
Making out the woman stops and looks at the man

WOMAN
Let's go to the Bed

MAN
oh you know that really sounds great
but listen-- I know last time didn't
go maybe exactly the smoothest-

WOMAN
(Intejecting)
Yeah it's fine it was our first time

MAN
(Nervous laughter)
Ya it was OUR first time exactly

WOMAN
The first time with each other you
mean

MAN
(Increasingly nervous)
Of course how could --else what
would--what other way would it mean

WOMAN
Ever--I mean it's not like I'm your
first am I?

MAN
Whaaaaa--
(Suddenly acting cool)
hey now

The man kisses her hand and brushes her hair aside while
caressing the woman's cheek
I told you I have done lots of sex

WOMAN
Ya but I mean you tried to--

MAN
(Puts his finger up to her
mouth)
Shushshh shhh shhh

WOMAN
(Confused and muffled by
finger)
Oh oh ok what no don't do that

MAN
I'm sorry

The mood is being deflated

WOMAN
(Irritated)
Ya don't do that

MAN
I'm so sorry

WOMAN
Can you just tell me if I am your
first? It's alright if I was It makes
no difference to me

MAN
(Knowing he's beat)
Alright I'll be honest you were my
first but I want you to know that I'm
aware it may have been not that great
and perhaps downright confusing at
times but when you told me that you
would see me again I knew I needed to
take a moment and re-evaluate my
approach as you know I'm blind so
things don't always come easy to me
but through sheer tyranny of will I
have overcome all of life's
obsticales and this will be no
different.

WOMAN
(Impressed and turned on)
Oh wow to hear you talk like that
really actually gives me confidence
and I'm kind of honored that I could
be your first

MAN
you know We never discussed how many
men yo--

WOMAN
(Cutting him off)
Oh don't worry about that--

The woman stands up and takes the man by the hand and begins
pulling him towards and into the bedroom

WOMAN
How about you show me your new
approach you're talking About

MAN
I would love to

the man and woman are now in the room and we can still just
see the living room and couch The man leans through the door
way into living room

MAN
(Whistles)
Come on boy!
(Gestures with hands)

We See now a SEEING EYE DOG COME OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUCH
the man ducks back into the bedroom and the dog follows we
hear the woman exclaim

WOMAN
WHAT THE FU--

The door shuts muting the rest of her obscenity out

FADE OUT

                    THE END