Loveless

It came to me so randomly one day, but I thought it would go perfectly for one of my contests. Enjoy!

What once was

Now cannot be

To live in joy

And harmony

 

Our love was great

Our love was pure

What’s once now hate

Is there a cure?

 

I wake up now

Into a daze

For our love

Was like a maze

 

Can it be

It wasn’t true?

That you left me

For someone new

 

You had many girls

Two, Three, Four

But that last one

Was such a bore

 

I realize now

My mistake

The gifts, the flowers

All were fake

 

Sometimes I weep

For our lost love

Now I look up

To God above

 

I watched you leave

You watched me die

So now you laugh

Into the sky

 

I look at you

You look at me

I laugh out loud

‘Cause now I’m free

 

Goodbye, adieu

Now that we’re through

You may not care…

I’ll still love you.

 

 

Author's Note

I wrote this within about five minutes one day, so if there are any grammatical mistakes I failed to notice, please feel free to criticize.
Plot: I guess it's just about two very opposite people who break off their relationship; but no matter how wrong one or the other is, the girl will always love him. I hope that's close XD

Reviews

[G. Marie"floating on an..]

Ha! I kind of like it the way it was ...... but the last one was such a bore.....lol I think your original idea was better but I understand some people are sensitive about those words. hehe...... I loved this poem..... we always love the jerk when all is said and done don't we lol.....

[MiidniightSoul]

A very beautifully written poem.It has a great flow, simple but powerful.
"I watched you leave
You watched me die
So now you laugh
Into the sky"
These lines are my favorite. Very good for a five minute poem. Keep it up.

[RTB]

that was the best love poem ive read in a while

[Augustus]

Like the other poem of yours that I have reviewed, this poem too has a good flow with simple language and easy rhyme. And it is very honest and earnest in its rendition. In fact, I was really happy with it until....I read this...

"You had many girls
Two, Three, Four
But that last one
Was such a w***e"

That was a fall from grace if ever such a thing existed...
I can understand the notion behind it but you could have done so much better! Even in five minutes... I hate to use harsh words, but this tore a gaping hole in your otherwise wonderful tapestry....

But for some reason, you continued with your former style for the rest of the poem so ultimately the poem was saved! :)
My humble suggestion would be to do something about that one blemish on an otherwise beautiful poem.

[azlamalo]

great flow...im likin it

[Coyote Poetry]

Poem had good logic in your words. We will be testes and must learn the bad from the good. You did well for a 5 minute poem. Create a good story with a very good ending. Life is learning to show us what is good or bad for us. A outstanding poem.
Coyote