Things go Wrong

A prologue of sorts, third person view even though the rest will be in first person.

    Vorasi was taken by surprise at how late it already was. Now, she was running as fast as her tired legs would let her toward home. It was by accident that she ended up this far from her house, knowing that the sun would be going down soon. It happened because she heard strange music that drifted through the village, and she tried to follow it.  The music seemed sweet and full of sorrow, leaving a hollow ring in Vorasi’s mind when it stopped. This wasn't the first time she heard it, but it certainly was the first time that it got her into trouble. While still musing over this music, she jumped onto the main street of the village and accidently plowed into someone else scurrying home.

    "Looks like I'm not the only one in deep water tonight." He laughed nervously and helped her back up. "You better hurry home before they drag you off, pretty girl." After that, he resumed his speed walk down the street. Vorasi only briefly watched him go before she started to run full sprint down the street again.  She tried not to look at the other people rushing to and fro, each of which hurrying to the safety of their homes, but she made sure not to run into anyone else.

    Soldiers that belonged to the king paced in the streets and alleys, watching people scurry by in fear.  Vorasi could easily think back to all the times she watched the soldiers take people away at night.  If they saw you on the streets when the sun was down, you were a criminal and sentenced to death.

    The village that she lived in was called Karongar, a place spared from the wars with the king's army. Regardless, the people were still pulled under his rule, and even from far away he held an iron grip onto their lives.

    Karongar was actually a mining town, the only thing that held the king’s interest in this tiny place.  Miners could be seen heading home tonight, easily marked by the dark, dirt covered clothing they wore.  Vorasi glanced at them with pity as she passed them by, knowing that every day their lives were at risk in those mines.

    She had been inside the mines only once when she was little.  When she was homeless and had no where to go when dark came.  She hid in the mines, one of the places the soldiers didn’t check.  These mines were special, because they held pyrostone, a type of clay that exploded with sudden impact.  Miners would have to be careful about using picks near this clay, or risk getting blow to pieces in a matter of moments.  It wasn’t until later that special tools imbued with magic were invented to neutralize the effects of pyrostone while it was being mined.  Even still, most miners were too poor to afford such tools.

    Magic was uncommon to the people of Karongar. In fact, they never knew magic existed until the king's army showed up with mages and blasted whole villages into the air on a whim. It was very rare that anybody possessed magical properties, and if they did, the soldiers would snatch them up and take them away as well.

    Vorasi noticed the sun was gone entirely, leaving only the remnants of light.  Tears began to well up in her eyes as realization struck her that she wasn't going to make it in time. Furiously, she wiped her face and pushed on even faster. If that was the case, she would have to hide. She bolted into an alley that wasn't blocked by soldiers, and eagerly searched for an unlocked door or a sewer grate she could crawl into.

    Sadly, everyone locked their doors, the soldiers liked to do 'safety checks' in which they would burst into any home that wasn't locked and loot any valuables the family had. Sometimes they would just break a locked door down with the excuse that a door needed to be sturdy or it wasn't safe. She started to knock on the doors in desperation, hoping someone would let her inside.

    Vorasi began to hear screaming as the soldiers began to pounce on people. She panicked and started beating at the doors, peeking into the windows for signs of life. The sound of her beating attracted a soldier, who stormed into the alley. She gasped and ran around the corner of a building, staying out of sight. She ran up to a door and started beating on it, tears freely pouring down her face. She braced herself for the sound of soldiers, ready to run the moment she heard them.

    Footsteps were heard as the soldier who saw her earlier was marching toward her. All he had to do was round the corner and he would see her again.  Instead, someone dashed through the alley and sprinted past her. She turned around and was about to tell him not to go that way, but it was too late.  The person turned around the corner, and then a feminine scream rang out.  Vorasi was about to run herself when the door behind her quietly opened.

    "Get in here girl, 'fore they see you!" A voice whispered quickly. Vorasi gasped and spun around to look at who spoke, then dashed inside, not caring who it could have been. A man shut the door quietly and slid a bolt home.  From the backside, she noticed his dirty blonde hair that started light and grew darker toward the bangs.  He also had tanned skin, probably from being in the sun often, and a heavy build showed he wasn’t a stranger to labor.

    "Thank you so much, sir! I don't know what might have happened to me if you wouldn't have let me in." Vorasi said breathlessly, the adrenaline fading and her body tiring from all the running.

    "You're welcome, but anyone here knows the dangers of being out so late, what were you thinking?" He asked, checking a window before walking over to a fireplace and starting it. Vorasi knew better than to say she was following strange music, everybody thought she was crazy when she said that, as if they didn't hear it.

    "I know, but I saw this kid playing in the alley as it was getting late, and I took him home before anything bad happened to him." She lied on the spot. The man successfully started the fire and turned to her.  He had surprisingly bright blue eyes, which contrasted with the hardiness of the rest of him.

    "Parents these days should know better than to let their children go around unsupervised." He said, shaking his head in disappointment.  His voice was mellow, not exactly calming, but it wasn’t gravelly. "So, who are you exactly? I'm Alistar, I work as a guard for anyone who will have me around here." He held his hand out expectantly.

    "I'm Vorasi, I own a library nearby." She said shaking his hand firmly.

    "Ah, interesting. Most women nowadays… you know. You must have been lucky." He said. "Let me get you something to drink, anything in particular? I probably have it." He walked off into another room, most likely the kitchen.

    "Tea, please, I need it to settle my nerves." She said, following him.

    Most men were forced into mining, only the rich were able to bribe off the soldiers and find their own profession, securing a safe life for themselves and their children. Women, on the other hand, were not able to mine efficiently or transport pyrostone in bulk. Soldiers found another use for them. They either molded the pyrostone or melted it down to allow for easier transporting. Both were highly dangerous, since molding the ore could cause it to explode, and melting it could cause it to explode and send flaming hot liquid throughout the foundry.

    "You know, you were pretty lucky too, not having to work in the mines." Vorasi said idly, watching him prepare the tea.

    "Once upon a time, my family was rich." He said, and laughed at himself. There was no longer a rich person left in the village, most of the money was being slowly drained by the king. "What about you? How did you get out of molding explosives?"

    "I'm not sure." Vorasi said, then realized how unhelpful that response was. "I mean, I was born on the streets and taken in by the old librarian. The soldiers never cared." She elaborated, feeling uncomfortable talking about her past.

    "Interesting, I guess that librarian was pretty fond of you, to put their life on the line like that." He said, finishing the tea and pouring each of them a cup.

    "I suppose, he was a kind old man. He said the only reason he took me in was because it was such a waste to leave a pretty thing on the streets. He died a few years later, and I was barely old enough to know how to run the library." She sipped on the tea, sighing as it warmed and calmed her.

    "Well it is true; you look like the poverty around here hasn't touched you." He said with a warm smile. "How old are you anyways? I don't want to be looking after a minor."

    "I'm almost eighteen, thank you very much. You don't look very old yourself." Most people in this village didn't, with the high casualty rates in the mines and foundries.

    "I'm twenty-two, just managed to buy this home and stop burdening my father." He replied, finishing his tea quickly and began rinsing his cup out. Vorasi sipped on hers again, staring out a window sitting over the sink.

    A loud thud hit the door and the house seemed to shudder in protest. Vorasi gasped and spilled the rest of her tea all over herself, but she managed to keep the glass from shattering on the floor.

    "Safety check!" a gruff voice thundered from the other side of the door. Moments later another hard thud hit the door, seeming to shake the whole frame.

    Alistar dashed out of the kitchen and into the living room, taking cover behind the couch.     "Did any of the soldiers see you while you were outside?" He whispered to Vorasi, who had stuck close behind him.

    "Yeah, one did. I don't think he saw that you let me in though." She whispered frantically. "Your door, it is sturdy, isn't it?"

    "We are about to find out. I think they are looking for you, they never check the houses in this remote part of the village." He whispered back, never taking his eyes off the door.

    Another thud hit the door, harder this time, as if they took a running start. A small crack appeared at the center of the door, seeming to split outward a little.

    "Go to the back of the hall, there will be a bookcase at the end, move it aside and there is a false wall that you can pry open. Go inside and I will follow in a moment." He whispered urgently. After that he hopped up and dragged the couch in front of the door.

    Vorasi hesitated a moment, and then fled from the room. She ran down the hallway, which was dark, but moonlight came through an open door further down the corridor. She found the bookcase and snatched at one of the sides, sliding it across the floor. A few books fell onto the floor and she snatched them back up and carefully put them back on the shelf.

    She looked desperately at the wall, trying to find out how to move it. Pushing the wall at any angle didn't work, so she stepped back to stare at it and think. After a moment, Vorasi noticed a section the size of a doorway was a shade off. This must be the false wall. Looking a little longer, she noticed on the bottom part of the false wall there was a chunk missing, as if a mouse burrowed through the wall. She dropped to her knees and snatched at the gap, pulling at it. The wall slid away easily, and she propped it on the bookcase before walking into the darkness ahead.

    There were no windows in this room, and it didn't feel as warm and inviting as the rest of the house did. It took her a while to notice that the cool air meant the walls were not wooden, keeping the heat from seeping through. She felt her way through until she touched the other end of the room, her hand brushing across smooth stone. Not knowing what else to do, she sat down and looked back toward the doorway. Another thud raddled the house and she saw Alistar appear with a candle in hand. He motioned her toward him and turned around to stare down the hallway. Vorasi silently ran to his side.

    "Take this candle, it's pitch black in there. I need to move this bookcase back and shut the door." Vorasi took the candle and carried it to the center of the room, which seemed much smaller now that is was illuminated, and placed it on the ground. She turned around and saw that Alistar already had the bookcase back against the wall, careful not to disturb any of the books. He was working on sliding the wall in place but was having trouble.

    "Let me, my fingers are smaller." Vorasi said, stepping beside him and using her long fingernails to guide the wall back into the grooves, then Alistar tugged on the missing gap to pull the wall in line with the rest. He then hastily pulled a block from his pocket that he shoved into the gap.

    "They won't see the gap from the other side now, and will hopefully not know how to get in if they do find this door. It will also keep the candle light from shining through." He explained. Another thud hit the house accompanied by a crashing sound. Shortly after, the sound of something falling over and furniture being moved. Footsteps creaked on the floorboards and then sounds of stuff being thrown about floated down the hall. Vorasi wanted to cry again, but feeling Alistar huddled next to her kept her from doing so.

    "You didn't have anything worth stealing, did you?" Vorasi whispered. He shook his head and held his finger to his lips. It sounded like his house was literally being torn apart, and Vorasi could only wonder how Alistar was handling it. She looked over at him and saw his strained face. She laid a comforting hand on his arm. He looked at her and she saw the deep wells of fear in his eyes. He was older than her, but he was certainly just as scared as she was.

    Footsteps were heard in the corridor, and they both looked back at the hidden door, as if they could see through it. Vorasi doused the candle, just to be safe. They heard the bookshelf being shuffled through. The soldiers were probably taking them all to sell. Vorasi held her breath, knowing a soldier was only a few feet away from her, ready to take her away if they found her.

    "This bookshelf is made of sturdy wood, good for selling. Help me get it out the door." The soldier said, moments later Vorasi heard them heft it away. She let out her breath when they were no longer heard, but she stilled feared for her life now that the false wall was in plain sight.

    Footsteps sounded again in the hallway, meaning the soldiers were back. They faded quickly as they went into one of the branching rooms.

    "Will they find us?" Vorasi whispered, so low she wasn't sure if she didn't just mouth it.

    "I don't know, I didn't think they would take everything down to the bookshelf." He whispered back. "Listen, if they find us, I'll rush them, and you get out, I don't care how, just get out."

    "What? I won't just leave you here!" She said, her whispering getting a little louder, she went silent, but no soldiers came.

    "There is no point in both of us dying tonight, and you have more to live for than I do." He pulled a heavy scimitar out from under his shirt. He must have snatched it before coming into the hidden room.

    "The houses in this district are so useless, why are we doing this again?" A soldier asked, not as gruff as the first.  He took Vorasi by surprise when he spoke and caused her to jerk.

    "We are looking for the girl, you idiot." The other soldier answered.

    "What's so special about her? I doubt she is even here, this house looks deserted." He complained.

    "If there was no one here, then tell me why the fireplace is ablaze? Do you suppose the local pigeons were a little cold?" Vorasi froze, of all things, they didn't smother the fireplace. She glanced at Alistar, and he frowned back at her, he didn't think of it either. "They're here, we just have to find them."

    "If you say so, but I want half the profits from this junk."

    "You're lucky you are getting any of it, now stop trying my patience." The voices faded off again as they moved elsewhere to look. Alistar pulled the loose block away and peered through it.

    "What do you see?" Vorasi asked.

    "Nothing." Was his only answer.

    "Well, see something! Where are they?"

    "If I knew I would have said so." He complained. Suddenly, he doubled back from the wall and shoved the block in place. Vorasi wanted to ask what he saw, but she didn't dare speak, instead she just leaned forward and clung to him. Almost a complete stranger, but he was all there was to draw comfort from.

    "I think I found something, get over her." The softer soldier said.

    "See how the wall changes color?" Vorasi heard fingers sliding along the wall, and it sent shivers up and down her spine.

    "Move over! You are taking too long." After that a thud hit the wall, cracking the wood. Vorasi almost screamed, but she bit her tongue instead. Alistar tightened his grip on his scimitar, and Vorasi let go of him.

    "Thank you, whatever happens after this, I will find you, I promise." She whispered in his ear, a calmness washing over her. The wall caved in as a soldier rammed through it. Alistar's reaction was lightning fast as he jammed the sword directly into his back as he rushed past. The soldier screamed and dropped to the ground. Alistar slid the scimitar out as Vorasi rushed through the gap and into the moonlit hallway.

    The other soldier seemed stunned at what just happened but he recovered fast and snatched at her by the hair. Vorasi screamed as he tugged at her and she slammed her foot back into his kneecap. He groaned and dropped, but didn't let go. Vorasi screamed again as she punched him in the face. This time he let go, just as Alistar rushed through the doorway and stabbed him right through his chest.

    "Go! Go!" He shouted to Vorasi. They rushed out of the house and into the street. It seemed as if eyes peered at them from all sides. Vorasi led the way as they charged down the street, unsure where they were going. They heard soldiers shouting from somewhere nearby. Vorasi knocked on a nearby door, hoping and praying another merciful soul would let them in.

    Soldiers dashed around the corner and ran at them.

    "We have to go!" Alistar said as he grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the door. They ran out of the narrow street and onto the main one, before dashing into another small one. Ahead of them another group of soldiers appeared, armed and running at them. Alistar slammed to a halt and turned around, but behind them was the other group that chased them. He turned back around, let go of Vorasi and charged at them, holding his scimitar high. Vorasi ran after him, not knowing what else to do. Alistar met with the first soldier, hacking him down, but two others grabbed at his arm and had him disarmed in a moment. The other soldier got back up, unharmed by Alistar's blows because of his armor. He mercilessly punched him in the stomach, dropping Alistar to his knees. The soldier kicked him in the face, dropping Alistar to the ground, where the soldier started to kick him over and over.

    "Stop!" Vorasi screamed and threw herself at him, stabbing her fingers into his face. She found and eye and pushed. The soldier screamed and fell down, wallowing around, holding his now useless left eye. Other soldiers appeared and yanked her away. More soldiers started beating Alistar, laughing as some managed to hit him in the face.

    "I said stop!" Vorasi screamed again, this time with such anger and fear that she felt something stir inside her. Heat flushed through her body, warm and comforting. It seemed to come from the direction of the soldiers and rush inside her. The soldiers holding her screamed and let go of her, the flesh on their hands sizzling and bright red. Somehow she had burned them. Vorasi held her hands out toward Alistar, and by some miracle the soldiers around him flew back by an unseen force. She rushed to his side, and turned him to where he was laying on his back.

    "Alistar, are you okay? Say something to me!" She begged, tears flooding from her eyes.

    "You… A mage…" He whispered, Dazed and probably about to pass out. "Go… Run away…"

    "Not without you, get up!" She pulled at his arm and he screamed in pain. He probably had a broken rib or two. Vorasi sighed in frustration and let go of his arm, kneeling down beside him. She placed her hands on his rib and felt for any abnormalities. He had broken one rib, which meant he was in serious trouble.

    "What can I do?" She said aloud to herself.

    "Run." He whispered, answering her question.  She was about to answer him when a soldier slammed into her, knocking her to the ground. She struggled and another wave of heat pulsed through her, and she didn't hesitate to let it out. The soldier screamed and was flung away from her. She crawled back to Alistar, grabbing his arm.

    "Go!" He managed to scream, and pushed feebly at her.  She heard a sword unsheathe behind her, and she froze in panic.

    "Stop! Don't injure her, she's a mage!" Another soldier called. The sword was immediately sheathed, and instead he punched her in the back of the head. The world started spinning and Vorasi slumped forward, barely staying awake.

    I just want away from here. The thought drifted through her head, the only thing she could get her brain to think. As if by another miracle, warmth flooded through her in answer. She started to feel far away, and desperately snatched at Alistar's arm, determined not to let him go. Soon she felt the world tilt upside down and everything went black.

Author's Note

First chapter! Let me know what you think! Also, I'm not sure how indenting works here, so I simply chose to leave it as it was.

Reviews

[Kianna]

Dear Lentron,

Hello, how are you? I was looking up fantasy novels and came across this one, which although there are areas where there could be some improvement, found the piece entertaining to read. I enjoyed it as I pictured some of the events.

I think this part of the novel can be divided into a prologue and first chapter. I know the initial thought to creating a prologue would be to get some explaining out of the way. However I saw many areas of this chapter that you could have "shown" the dark setting of soldiers and evil reign rather than "tell" about it. For example, I found the whole story could have started with "Vorasi found herself far from home....." You could have gone on to describe her "hurtling" through the streets of Karongar. It's a little better than saying the sun was setting, which I found you did so repetitively. Instead of saying the sun was setting, you could have included some descriptions about the village, about tired workers retiring into their homes, weary from the heavy day's work, then go on to include the evil reign. You could have described the fading light (the sun) shadowing over the stony hills the villagers had to mine, or the fading light shadowing over the meadow plains the villagers didn't get to enjoy anymore since whoever took over their lives. It's like instead of giving the backstory all in one go, just pattern it out and disperse it throughout the chapter so that there is some craft and structure to your story.

This sentence, " She heard strange music that drifted through the village, and tried to follow it. This wasn't the first time she heard it, but it certainly was the first time that it got her into trouble," I felt could have used some more emphasis and explaining. She could have been thinking about such magic talking to Alistar. Since the village was known for not having much magic, I thought bringing that idea up and not some how nourishing the curiosity of it disappointed me a little. I wanted to know if she found what she was looking for, but maybe it was not so important.

Some sentence structure errors include:

"Many of the soldiers would purposely get in her way, tripping her or barring narrow alleys that she needed to go through." I found this sentence unnecessary and confusing. It would be better to have it removed.

Here, "She jumped onto the main street of the village and accidently plowed into someone else scurrying home," where you said, "scurrying home" was unnecessary. We (the readers) already know she is on the way home.

This is a run on sentence, "She was so far from home, the sun was barely visible on the horizon and its precious light was fading with it." Either place a semicolon where the comma is or make these two different sentences.

I don't understand this sentence; did you mean magic? "Vorasi knew better than to say she was following strange music, everybody thought she was crazy when she said that, as if they didn't hear it." Even so, this is a run on sentence.

This is a run on sentence, "Soldiers found another use for them, they either molded the pyrostone, it was a soft ore that did unique things depending on the shape of it, or melted it down to allow for easier transporting."

Okay one more thing, I wish there was more description. For example when Vorasi ran down the streets. You could have described her height by depicting her steps She took long hurried steps with her long legs, or short stubby legs. Also, Alistar could use some description. I have no idea what he looks like. If he is young and twenty two, describe his youthful expressions. Maybe he has a dimple smile, a round baby face that makes him boyish and unmarked by age. If he is an educated man, does he wear glasses? What about his eyes? What about his voice? When Alistar bolted the door, did he have a small frame compared to the door, or a big frame? Was he slim, skinny, or fat?

Now, onto what I enjoyed. I did like the Volasi seems to be a middle aged woman who works for a living. I found her personality to be quite lovable. She isn't too sarcastic or mean. She is normal, but also curious because she was in search of magic. I also liked that she was raised by a librarian and that she might be a mage. Actually, I got excited when Volasi used her magic. Then you have a kind, young man who Volasi has grown a quick bond with in the face of terror. So, the characters are pretty good.

I also liked the point of view. Although there were some errors, third point of view fit Volasi nicely and I genuinely hope you keep it this way because yes, first point of view gives you in depth look through someone's eyes, third point of view for stories like this work just as well.

Well done. I look forward to reading more.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

[Lentron]

Wow! I'm flattered that you took the time to create this in depth review! I'll look over everything you said and fix it up sometime today. I really appreciate this!

I actually have a document full of the descriptions for each character, but I was nervous about putting it in. It might be strange, but I make out my characters before the story even starts, and then I just put them in scenarios (in my head) until it fits. A lot of times, people say you can be overly descriptive, and I was trying to avoid this.

I never put a lot of emphasis on how the village looked simply because (and you don't know this yet) they will be packing up and leaving soon. On the other hand, you included some great points on how I could use description to set the back story instead of just laying it on the reader in a wall of text. I'll be sure to try this out!

Thanks again for the great review! I'll be posting the next chapter today after I finish tweaking it!

[Kianna]

Dear Lenton,

Well, description is a lot like backstory, you drop bits and pieces of it and not together in one little cluster. Pick one distinct characteristic and run with it. For example, Alistar could have thoughtful blue eyes.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

[Kianna]

I hope that helps.

[Lentron]

I did a revision of it, mostly just moving things around and correcting the errors you pointed out. I understand that I have information clustered together and that it needs to be "sprinkled throughout" but I don't want to change it more than I have to since it technically has already been published.

I'll try to be more careful about clustering it, although the next few chapters have already been typed out and may show the same signs. I'll fix those chapters up a little before I release them, so be sure to point out if I'm still doing it too much!

The next chapter will be out as soon as I proofread it one last time, I hope you like it!

Lastly, I'm still new to this website, but I made the revisions on a "New version" I hope I did that right?

[JSmith0612]

All in all, it's a pretty strong start. Characters are pretty entertaining from what I caught. I will re-read this later to make more notes cause I am really tired right now. A few notes that may or may not improve the story as a whole story-telling wise. First of all, you need a stronger 'gripper' at the start. What you have is alright enough but it could be stronger. Either or create a prologue or preface to grab the reader. I can tell this is a long story and it may take a while to tell everything to its fullest, so grabbing the reader's attention and keeping it is exceptionally crucial. Second of all, there is some spelling and grammar issues. Nothing exceptionally glaring but you do need someone to help you pick over this and find as many of those errors as you can. One example: 'get out of hear' versus 'get out of here'. It could have been an auto-correct type of issue in MS Word or whatever program you used initially. Otherwise, good strong start and if you fix your weaknesses it will be great.

[Lentron]

Thanks for the input! I fixed some of the grammar errors, such as the one you pointed out (I must be stupid to let something like that pass me by!) and changed the beginning to something close to what another reviewer suggested. I hope that fixed any problems.

Also, I have noticed people like to take a particular paragraph or two and put that before the actual beginning to grab attention. I might do that later, when I find a good spot to brandish to the readers!

Next chapter will be out any moment now, I'd love for your input on that one as well!