Piece of you

A Poem by Lena

You showed me the sunset
That's where I always find a piece of you
You told me about the stars
That's where I hear your voice
You gave me the whole ocean
That's where I see your eyes
Those gorgeous eyes that were looking at me with joy and happiness
You made all those things remind me of you
My heart was melting in your words
It was filled with a bunch of nonsense
that somehow gave me a relief in this unreal world
you made this prison feel like a fenced garden full of roses
Now all
sunsets, stars and the ocean
weren't just normal things
sunset was filled with your laugh and joy
stars were smiling just like you
ocean was your soul
they were no longer just random stuff
they were our stuff
our safe places
our safe talks
our times
but then you left
and what do I do with all those things?
Now you're telling somebody else about the stars
you're showing sunset to somebody else
You're going to give the ocean to somebody else,
But what about us?
Stars are still smiling at me like you
Sunset is still recreating our memories endlessly
Ocean is talking to me with your voice
How can I forget when I still find a piece of you in everything?

© 2024 Lena

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Reviews

Writer at last! Sky ~

Missing someone closer to your heart is always difficult to cope with you. You wonderfully crafted your feelings.

Posted 6 Months Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Months Ago

Thank you So muchhh!! Reading your reviwes is always amazing!

6 Months Ago

Welcome. Reading your poems is always a ride full of emotions and feelings.

JayG

I don’t mean to upset you, but what’s in it for the reader? You, someone the reader knows nothing about, are talking TO someone unknown about things for which the reader has no context.

So for you, each line acts as a pointer to memories, experiences, and more, all waiting in your mind to be evoked. So when you read it, the emotions flow, both good and bad. The reader? For them, each line acts as a pointer to memories, experiences, and more, all waiting in *YOUR* mind to be evoked. But since you’re not there when it’s read...

See the problem? Poetry is meant to stir the emotions. And for you this poem does. But the outside-in approach you use is inherently dispassionate. Can the reader hear emotion in the words, as you do? No. Do they have context and the backstory that the words reference? No again. So yes, they have words, but those words are meaningful only when YOU read them.

At the moment, you’re writing poetry with two problems getting in the way, both invisible to the author.

First, the only writing skills we’re given in school —the ones you used — are nonfiction. That makes perfect sense when you think about it, because school is designed to prepare us for the needs of adult life, like writing the reports and letters that employers may expect from us. And that's a problem because reports, well...report. The narrator talks TO the reader, providing information, as you do here.

The second part is that we read poetry to have our emotions evoked. We want to be made to feel and care, laugh, and even weep, not learn how the author's feeling on the day they wrote it. After all, you didn’t come here hoping to to find out how my day is going. So...

The thing we all miss is that poetry is a field they've been refining and developing for thousands of years. And like every profession. It’s filled with things that once pointed out are obvious, but ONLY after being pointed out. And that’s what’s holding you back. Instead of telling the reader how you feel, make them know what it’s like by making them feel. As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

And since how to do that is a learned skill, try this:

Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, is a fantastic introduction to the inside-out, emotion-based approach that can give you superpower: To make the reader feel the emotion you choose, through the selection and placement of your words. And you can download a readable copy of that book from the site I link to below:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

The book is filled with unexpected gems. And if nothing else, reading it will help you forget your own concerns for a while. So, give it a try.

But whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but with work and practice, we eventually become confused on a higher level. 😄

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

---------------
“If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”
~ Wilson Mizner

Posted 6 Months Ago

I don’t mean to upset you, but what’s in it for the reader? You, someone the reader knows nothing about, are talking TO someone unknown about things for which the reader has no context.

So for you, each line acts as a pointer to memories, experiences, and more, all waiting in your mind to be evoked. So when you read it, the emotions flow, both good and bad. The reader? For them, each line acts as a pointer to memories, experiences, and more, all waiting in *YOUR* mind to be evoked. But since you’re not there when it’s read...

See the problem? Poetry is meant to stir the emotions. And for you this poem does. But the outside-in approach you use is inherently dispassionate. Can the reader hear emotion in the words, as you do? No. Do they have context and the backstory that the words reference? No again. So yes, they have words, but those words are meaningful only when YOU read them.

At the moment, you’re writing poetry with two problems getting in the way, both invisible to the author.

First, the only writing skills we’re given in school —the ones you used — are nonfiction. That  makes perfect sense when you think about it, because school is designed to prepare us for the needs of adult life, like writing the reports and letters that employers may expect from us. And that's a problem because reports, well...report. The narrator talks TO the reader, providing information, as you do here.

The second part is that we read poetry to have our emotions evoked. We want to be made to feel and care, laugh, and even weep, not learn how the author's feeling on the day they wrote it. After all, you didn’t come here hoping to to find out how my day is going. So...

The thing we all miss is that poetry is a field they've been refining and developing for thousands of years. And like every profession. It’s filled with things that once pointed out are obvious, but ONLY after being pointed out. And that’s what’s holding you back. Instead of telling the reader how you feel, make them know what it’s like by making them feel. As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

And since how to do that is a learned skill, try this:

Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, is a fantastic introduction to the inside-out, emotion-based  approach that can give you superpower: To make the reader feel the emotion you choose, through the selection and placement of your words. And you can download a readable copy of that book from the site I link to below:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

The book is filled with unexpected gems. And if nothing else, reading it will help you forget your own concerns for a while. So, give it a try.

But whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but with work and practice, we eventually become confused on a higher level. 😄

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

---------------
“If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”
~ Wilson Mizner

Rating /100