It Will All Make Sense

Things are vague at first. They are heavy to grasp because at that particular time, we are occupied with what the heart wants.

Sometimes when i chit-chat with my witty backbone trying to sort myself out, i vividly, and characteristically  attempt to chew over all those sessions that i was told something or an event happened, but looked outwardly too stubborn to  listen and understand.  Silently, and remorsefully, i live again in those moments-figuring out why and how my head seemed so saturated that it couldn’t soak up and grasp firmly to what i was told, or rather what stood behind the veil.

Mostly, in these times i find myself so  vulnerable. I tend to see the scars that even when so much hidden beneath this pretty little face of mine, they shine fiercely, and like a scare crow, they stand tall facing the sky, agonizing at my motives and choices that did spring up their forever existence.

When i was young, i perceived my  my parents as so mean. My mind made out that they negligently harbored me from exploring my childish basic needs. My parents were not fond of letting me go out of the house. Particularly my mother. She let me stay in the house to play with my toys and my little brother most of the time. I had little time to play with my friends. My parents restricted me from hanging out with  various boys and girls. They said they were bad mannered. I hated that. Pretty much. I felt so neglected, and selfishly pushed to what i found unfair. To me, my parents were like villains in a movie who selfishly, and vindictively, sort out to cause detriment to other people. I had time to play with friends, but it wasn’t enough for me. I just wanted to be playful, cheerful and be with my friends every time. I wanted forever.

There were times my mother punished me so thoroughly, just because i had set foot to what she had stated as taboo. She forbade me from going out of the house, playing with those she named ill-mannered, and cursed me to my loneliness and filthy toys. My  parents had made clear that home was home, and i had to get used to staying home alone, and of course with my little brother.  

My parents didn’t want me in night parties, and hanging out with those they found bad to the bone. They put me in chains, and told me to study. They shouted in my ears that if i didn’t study well, then i would fail, and i would have nothing to live for other than a miserable and pathetic life. When i wronged, or rudely and arrogantly did what was contrary to what they told me, they angrily punished me. Either with words, or physically.  

I negatively kenned their  motives towards me, that sometimes i questioned if they really cared for me. I utterly  found them disgustingly unfair.

Back then, the world was so small to me. My mind did not picture me as an adult, or think who i would like to be as time went by. I was so much obsessed with my friends, cartoons, and other childish habits. There was no point that i sat down, and laid out a blue print of my life- how my life should look like when i was a grown up. Was i supposed to anyway?

 “Fun,” was all that shone bright in my mind. “Play,” was all that echoed loudly at the back of my eardrum. I did not care about the winter, summer or autumn, all i cared, was ever playing with friends. I cared about my childish basic needs.

Its now that i understand all my parents wanted, was the best for  me. They were not being unfair, mean, villains, or selfish. They were being protective, loving, caring, selfless, but in a parental and extraordinary way that made me  aghast since i was a child. All they wanted, was for me to grow up to a nice, well mannered and a safe guy with something good to live for. I totally misread their motives and parental responsibility. Their feet and hands were stuck on the present-with me as a child-but their eyes wandered in the future, seeking a matured and successful me. 

Everything that i perceived as negative then, i now comprehend it well. I fully understand that i was their child, and they were shaping me towards a right path. They were teaching me how to be alone and dependent when it comes to the chaotic and disappointing world. They were stuffing good personalities that would help me along my path. Because they knew i’d be hurt and deserted someday. They knew i’d experience a heartbreak. They knew all along that bad company would  lead me  astray, and that good friends, would bring about joyous moments and add light to my life. They knew, but i was so stubborn because i was still young to open my mind and grasp it all. They knew that i wouldn’t understand them, that's why they never stopped, because they knew at the long run, it will all make sense. And surprisingly, it did. It has. 

So it doesn’t matter how things seem so tough and selfish. It doesn’t matter how life seem crazy and unfair. It doesn’t matter how people stumble upon your heart, break it into a thousand pieces, crash you completely, or shatter your trust and dreams. It doesn’t matter because time will tell. It will all make sense. It will all open up like a book  to you and feel so digestible. It will explain itself vividly. All you have to do, is  wait, and have hope

Author's Note

Time as the greatest gift of all, will tell what we found so heavy and indistinct to grasp. Time will illuminate what we couldn't perceive at first as long as you have hope and faith.