Stupid girl

I was naked in my bed while he was sleeping next to me. For a split second I saw your face instead of his. For that split second I felt like there was something beautiful still in me. The moment passed and I turned away. You share a name and that puppy kind of look, but he is not you. 

Do you ever see me in the faces of your lovers? Probably not- you don't like to think about the past, do you?
It’s only a curse of writers, I guess. We think too much about the little things: the way someone smirks at stupid commercials, how they blink differently when they feel happy or sad, how their upper lip twitches when they hear something they don't want to know. I notice those things and I remember them. They haunt me each day. Stupid girl. 

I caressed my pale skin, tracing the places he touched and you never will. I laughed silently at my own foolishness and woke him up. I gave him a kiss on the shoulder, hoping he wouldn't see my eyes filling with tears. I pretended I went back to sleep and he dozed off. I was happy in the most idiotic way while going through events of that night. He looked me in the eye from above and erased my thoughts with pain and pleasure. I gave him the last pure thing I had for that, you know? But it was worth it. Pills never erased anything, not even for a moment. Now I want to give my body over and over again just to erase myself for a little bit. It scares me that I might actually do it.

You made me go insane, for f**k's sake. I look for you in everything and everyone. I poison myself with images of your face and I can't force myself to look for an antidote. I'll belong to you until my last breath and I must stop breathing. I hate you so much for destroying my will to love someone else.