Werewolves Do Not Make Great Pets - A Compendium of Why

Something funny I was working on for an anthology. Thought I had put this on the WC already. Couldn't find it.

Werewolves Do Not Make Great Pets - A Compendium of Why

　

I have had the misfortune of recently acquiring a pet werewolf. Well, it's been at least a year anyway. Not my choice of pets though, being that I am not a pet lover, but it chose me not the other way around. Once one chooses you, you can't exactly say "no" in any safe manner that I can think of. I remember that first day with it in my life. I awoke early one morning needing to pee really bad when I found it curled up in the fetal position asleep on my living room floor as the sun was about to rise. Right in the middle of my brand new not-even-a-week-old carpet. The glass patio door had been ripped off its hinges so I assumed this is how it had gotten in. Especially since there were muddy paw prints leading from the broken door to the spot it decided to take a nap on. Once again, right in the middle of my new carpet. I also realized that morning I am apparently a heavy sleeper. But I am not here to expand on that first morning or my subsequent life with my very own werewolf whom I named Wolfie (not original I know, but "go figure" and it's not like it comes when I call it), so I won't bore you with all the details of said first morning and subsequentially the rest of my time spent with it (very harrowing I might add), but I do wish to share some of the problems I have come across while taking care of this "demented duo" as I like to playfully refer to both parts of her when she is not within earshot. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention my werewolf is a b***h. Both figuratively and literally. And she won't leave. Even when I leave the new patio door open, and if I shut it after she goes out at night, she just rips it off the hinges again to get back in. Damn if she isn't expensive. Anyway, without further a do, here's the list.

1. Problems with split personalities - One moment they are a fiery furball of rampaging fury and the next they are a lethargic human who can't seem to stay awake after being out all night. They really do sleep alot. Not the best of either world for a pet companion. Definitely not a good pet for kids either. You'd be better off getting them an alligator or perhaps a dingo as a starter pet. Or maybe a wild pig. Something that won't tear up the carpet as much.

2. Hairballs - Usually associated with cats, but werewolves get them as well. Enormous hairballs at that. This comes from not only an oral grooming fixation but from what they ingest as well. You may find different types and colors of these extremely gross and often nauseating lumps of follicle clumps depending on what they have eaten the previous night. Very hard to clean up and will stain pretty much anything. Like my new carpet for instance. This morning's kind of looked like one of my neighbors' toupe. Hmmmm?

3. Shedding - Extreme amounts of shedding. I'm not talking about over a period of time either as the seasons slowly change. I'm talking about EVERY FREAKING MORNING! Sun comes up and you got fur everywhere. I have burned out four vacuum cleaners in less than a year and torn a rotator cuff from the constant motion of moving back and forth over the slowly becoming not-so-new carpet with those same said vacuum cleaners.

4. Pests - Not only is the werewolf itself a pest, but it carries in all manner of other annoying pests. Everything from fleas and ticks to whining victims that haven't completely perished yet crying "help me, help me". The drama. Like they were expecting me to stick my hand down there and pull away her dinner. You try it and see what happens. And exactly what am I supposed to do about the fleas and ticks? You can't exactly put a flea collar on a werewolf. They won't let you for one thing and I was concerned that it might snag on something and perhaps choke her to death while she was out doing her thing every night. Although in retrospect and after all the money I have spent that might not have been a bad idea. Especially on products to kill fleas and take out blood stains in my once-upon-a-time new carpet.

5. Shredding (not to be confused with shedding - see no. 3 above) - It sharpens its claws on EVERYTHING! I can't stress this enough. EVERYTHING! Furniture. New furniture to replace the shredded old furniture. Even newer furniture than that. Walls. Doors. And so on. Oh yea, and did I mention my new carpet? I swear I think she would shred me too if I wasn't constantly keeping an eye on her. Which brings me to number six on the list.

6. Time clock askewed - Owning a werewolf means you have to change your biological time clock. Seriously. Why would you want to be asleep while it is their "din-din" time? How else are you going to make sure that you aren't the "din-din" for the evening if you aren't awake to keep an eye on it? So you definetely have to alter your schedule and work habits a bit to keep from being Alpo for the evening. You sleep while it sleeps on your brand new carpet that looks as if it already needs replacing.

7. House Breaking - This, to most people, probably should have been number one (or perhaps number two if you're witty enough), however, you can't really train a werewolf where to go to the potty. It goes damn well anywhere it wants to when it wants to. Including my now not-so-new carpet. You can't exactly bat it with a rolled up newspaper either if it tinkles on the floor. Not unless you want your arm ripped off. No, the kind of house breaking I am talking about is exactly that. Breaking a house! Werewolves are notorious for being careless. They will knock over lamps, bust out windows, tear through a door or wall or both, etc. So, house breaking is exactly what I meant and not potty training. You WILL spend a fortune in repairs and you WILL get good at doing those repairs yourself since it will cost you an even bigger fortune to find a contractor or handyman that will work where werewolves can be found. Actually, that is not true. It won't cost you a bigger fortune for a contractor or handyman because there aren't any at all that will work where werewolves can be found. I know. I've checked.

8. Being Neighborly - We've probably all had the discomfort of the neighbor's dog howling at night keeping one awake or taking a dump in your flower bed and usually, if your neighbor is a good one or at least somewhat decent, they will try to keep this from happening if you say something politely to them. This is not something you will contend with if you own a werewolf. Not only will the neighbors not complain (at least not directly), but they will most likely move or, at the least, become "din-din" at one point or another. This may seem like a blessing to some, but I assure you it isn't. Your property value goes to hell in a handbasket if you own a werewolf. No one wants to move into a neighborhood that has been de-neighborized by a werewolf. Not really a friendly place to move to, especially if one has kids. You also can't sell your own house due to all the destruction and stench that accompanies owning a werewolf. I didn't really have anything to say about my carpet here, but I'm throwing it in because it really pisses me off that I spent all that money on that nice new carpet only to have it ruined a few weeks later. Damn it!

9. Vet and Doctor Bills - Just like all the other bills you will acquire owning a werewolf, the vet and doctor are no different. Not only do you have the bills from the vet for services rendered which is doubled since they have to work at night for obvious reasons, but any bills for damages done to their office for that first (and only) visit. And believe me, there will be alot of damage. Especially after they try taking its temperature for the first time. Bad mistake there. At least it wasn't done on my carpet. You will tend to go through a lot of vets too. The other aspect you have to watch out for is that during the day if health care is needed you have to take your werewolf to a human doctor, once again, for obvious reasons. This can be a conflicting problem. Sometimes medication may need to be prescribed and if this happens those medicines given by the doctor may interact poorly with those given by the veterinarian. You can only hope that it kills the damn creature, but most of the time it only makes them more annoying and agitated. As if their disposition wasn't bad enough. Oh, and one other thing, never never never never never ever try to get a werewolf neutered or fixed. Isn't going to happen so don't let it cross your mind. Learned this the hard way. It almost neutered me instead and I wasn't even the one trying to do the surgery.

10. Feeding Time - Not really a problem for you since they pretty much hunt on their own. It's a problem for everyone else though, but not for you. Unless you consider it a problem when they bring home their kill and eat it on your nice, new carpet? At least you'll save money on pet food. Money that can be used to eventually get a newer carpet.

So, anyway, these are some of the things I felt compelled to pass on to anyone that may be thinking of or entertaining the idea of owning a werewolf. I highly do NOT recommend it. Can't stress that enough. There are a few smaller things you should know like do not try to bathe one, pet one, brush one, walk one (with or without leash) or even tickle one's belly. All for, once again, obvious reasons. Don't play ball with one either. The ball(s) it brings back may not be what you expect and the neighbor (if they are still around) might not be happy about it either. Been there. Done that. And now I bid you all a farewell with this, "Does anyone know where I can get some stain resistant, pet de-odorizer carpet? Do they even make such a thing?".

　

Legion

25NOV10

Reviews

[Kevin Andros]

Wow! This is awesome! Loved this piece.

This whole piece turned me off for adopting a werewolf at present or in future, basically, ever. Good write considering I almost adopted one werewolf once, but that's a story for another time. :)

Beautifully written, and I am really glad that I got to read this piece.

Best,
~KA~

[Kaara]

Okay, I laughed my a*s off reading this one because I can just see you complaining about having been adopted by a werewolf. Nicely done.

[Liza]

i don't usually read stories but the title caught my attention; dogs are domesticated wolves, they were breeded to be man's companion but some were left to the wild; wild animals cannot be tamed - i enjoyed this and felt joy to know that i have a watered down wolf at home lol

[KhelticRyder]

Great story! I read it aloud to everyone I know. You have a 'legion' of fans. Very talented, I see great things ahead for you.

[Periac]

dude

i never read stories
but
i took a gander
and well
this is awesome
i absolutly f*****g loved it
thank you

[ScaryTrees]

lol
u need a werewolf whisperer

[Ladysue]

haha this was amusing....oh hairballs are gross...but you really described it well...entertaining piece. well written..

[HoorayForUnderdog]

Oh Hamhock, you never cease to amuserate me! I love your stories as much as your poetry. This one really cracks me up -- you have such a warped sense of humor -- I like that in a pig.

[Mel Stevens]

Haha! I don't think I read this one earlier. My favorites are hairballs and shedding. Wonderfully witty. Did you get in? I'm certain you did.