Defensive Positions

A war. A battle. A lover's quarrel. You decide.

 

 

 

Defensive Positions

 

 

The cannons bellowed

    With mouths spewing oblonged obscenities.

        Hurling bullets of blasphemies

    To strike down the offensive enemy.

Smoke (whisps of words) plumed

    Across the sky of this hearthly invasion

        Dropping acidic toxins conceived for devastation,

    Caught up only in self-preservation.

Hearts bleeding out, emotions unbridled

    Catering to weapons of destruction.

        Words meant as ammunition

    Fired with apprehensible intention.

Striking behind lines once shared.

    Now sharing in a mortared rage.

        Broken is the union caught within this rampage,

    This onslaught continues uncaged.

A victor, with shallowed finality, finds victory

    But no consolation,

        Only a fruitless condemnation

    And a white flag tainted with subjugation.

 

Legion

31JAN09

Reviews

[Katrina]

hit me as a lover's quarrel -- a little bit of war we all carry scars from.

i really loved this. honest. i really enjoyed 'mouths spewing oblonged obscenities.' i NEVER would've thought of that -- green with envy here, dear. anyway, enough about me. this was a really well written piece, you can tell you took time on it and just didn't throw it together -- not that spur of the moment pieces are always bad. but yeah. and i love the format!

great read. great write.

xxx

[Gheeneil]

While others thought of this as something romantic, I would say that the "war" was not limited to that. It was more so philosophical in nature. It could be a word battle amongst people or certain group's which principles were in conflict with the other. Thus, this could mean debate on racism, religion and the likes. The last four lines made me think so.

[theludus]

This is pretty sharp, although for a warlike poem it's anesthetized because you choose to work behind the two symbolic metaphors. Were this mine I'd consider making more personal references in tandem with the themes. Structurally the rhyme is not wholly there, in that it mostly blends in well, but there are a few places where it feels somewhat forced, also you endstop the lines, enjambment is an odd creature if you are not used to it, but consider using it as it mimics natural speech patterns, in that all our thoughts and sentences are not measured in the same span. It's good, but I don't believe this is an end point.

DB

[Master Morality]

"A victor, with shallowed finality, finds victory" I really liked that line, somthing about it was very catching.
Good stuff as usual!

[Adrian K. Smith]

What is a lover's quarrel, but a war of words, and perhaps upon reaching such a point where the war wages unbridled; one would unleash such words as to sow such rampant devastation upon the other. Yet still, all the same, is not a war but a lover's quarrel? Perhaps not romantic, and only genial, but how many battles have erupted between those that would once call the other friend. This had a certain edge to it, offering perhaps humor, to those that have engaged in such cataclysmic warfare with a spouse (likely an ex-spouse)... yes, the edge of this piece took some of the edge off the thoughts of what a piece of work the ex is...

[Clockwork]

I have only had the pleasure of reading a few of your pieces so far, but I can say that I enjoy their duality. This piece could be taken so many different ways. I suppose that it is a domestic battle of sorts, one that is very well depicted within your verses.

[TL Boehm]

yes, it hit me as verbal warfare as well. I appreciated your digging around in my poetic basement a few weeks ago. I get few reviews these days. You held this warfare metaphor so well through out the piece. It was accurate, venomous, incendiary - exactly representative of the battle we wage when we know someone well enough to hurt them.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

That's tremendous. It puts into perspective, the way that we sometimes fight our interpersonal wars. I especially liked the lines:

"Hearts bleeding out, emotions unbridled
Catering to weapons of destruction."

[Penelope Allen]

What a treat to read this! So many links carry me through the poem like wildfire! Love to see complimentary words creating a domino effect. It works especially well when the topic has power. Sort of adds to the drama. Lots of delectable descriptive images that create mental montages. Yes ... great read.

[Frank F. Atanacio]

very good powerful write-- I'm really liking your sytle of writing.. you can easily change it up with a stroke of your pen...:)

[SunshineLaser]

Your metaphor was overdone and any real message was lost. Are you trying to say that words are bad? Maybe you could have salvaged something in this poem by dropping the last few lines, "A victor ... subj[u]gation," but it still would be heavily lacking. You say things like "Catering to weapons of destruction," "With mouths spewing oblonged obscenities," and "Words meant as ammunition." Yes, we get it already, they are having an angry argument. You basically say the same thing over in different ways. No new idea is brought out. That's kind of what separates good writers from mediocre and aspiring writers- good new ideas every line rather than just rambling imagery. In fact, you seem to get lost describing a war scene rather than the parallels between war and this type of argument. Unfortunately, you didn't tell us what type of argument it was, who was arguing, nor why they were arguing. This poem would have been better fit in some writing that had an exposition.