If I Were....

Something a bit funny that just came to me in a dream I was having. Don't hurt yourself. :)

If I Were....

 

 

If I were a cat

I could....hate myself as well.

(No, I don't really hate cats but I definetly wouldn't want to deal with all those fur balls either.  Although I really do dig that catnip dude.  And it's legal.)

 

If I were a dog

I could lick my own....paws.

(I bet some of you reading this thought I was going to say something else, but honestly if I wouldn't lick someone else's why would I lick my own?  Some people just live in the gutter.  And besides, I already used that word in the last stanza.)

 

If I were a squirrel

I could eat....something else besides nuts.

(Do we really have to get into that one?  See the dog stanza above to get the general idea.  Unless I were a gay squirrel and then I might have to reconsider.)

 

If I were a turtle

I could be....an RV salesman.

(Or maybe a real estate agent?  But with the market the way it is it might knock me flat on my back and I wouldn't really want that now would I?  Legs all kicking in the air and stuff.  Like a dying cockroach or something.  Enough gawking.  Now flip me back over.)

 

If I were a monkey

I could throw....my own weight around.

(I would never throw what you might have been thinking.  Wouldn't want to get it on my hands or in my hair for that matter.  That's just nasty.)

 

If I were an elephant

I could become....a spokesmodel for Samsonite.

(Okay, that's a thinking person's joke.  I could also take a trip anywhere at anytime since I'd already be packed.  I think I'd get me a really cool earring too.  Probably a big gold hoop and maybe a gold cap for one of my tusks as well.  I'd be so styling.)

 

If I were a giraffe

I could....find me another giraffe and go necking.

(But not on the first date because I'm not that type of guy.  Of course, it would have to be a female giraffe.  And it wouldn't hurt if she was a chiropracter either.  I'd have it so made then.)

 

If I were an a*s

I could....prove so many people right.

(Been called that quite a bit in my life.  Now, if someone will just pass me the superglue I can fix the crack that has appeared in mine.)

 

If I were so many things

I could be....something more than a pig.

(But really, I guess a pig isn't so bad once you get past the stench and the filth and the bad eating habits and the lack of manners and the fact that we roll around in what the monkey might throw.  But we are good at finding truffles.  Oh, and one more thing.  My bacon brings all the folks to the yard and it is better than yours.  Yea, it is better than yours.)

 

Legion

15AUG08

 

 

Author's Note

Okay, 3 a.m. writes can sometimes bring out the beasts in us all. Pardon the pun. lol

Reviews

[Angelheaded Hipster]

Oh god...I have tears in my eyes....how did you know my head was in the gutter? And yes...Samsonite indeed...pre packed and ready to go...ooh, does that mean Im a thinking man now? Wait....thinking woman....thats what I meant.

I think this is my most favorite piece of yours. I adore it....laughing still, my sides hurt.

[T]

LOL I loved this 3 am poem and I needed to laugh out loud tonight! My mind was in the gutter a time or two ... Wonderfully written! hugs

[Bluet_Belle]

:P

I really like this piece:P Especially the elephant verse:/

Very original and it makes a lot of sense, except, monkeys throw s**t and pigs wallow in it...

If you are a pig, then it shouldnt bother you as much should it?

Thats the only question i had:P

Otherwise, wonderful piece, as always, an experience:P

You are very original

I enjoy your work.

[O!]

:-)) This was a good read!.....and i actually sang the last line! hahaha

good work hamco! :-P

x,
O!

P.S. I went to the zoo today...so this was kinda cool to read after! hehe

[Windy]

LMAO, OMG, You are hillarious! Where you come up with some of this I will never understand. Guess you have to be "pig headed" (he he) to understand some animals thinking. Think my fave was the giraffs though... This is a very funny and cute write, great for a 3 a.m.'er! You must have some "wild" dreams. LOL :)

[Gaiamethod]

Very good and very funny However I am really curious now as to what the dream was about!! :-))