If I Were....

Something a bit funny that just came to me in a dream I was having. Don't hurt yourself. :)

If I Were....

 

 

If I were a cat

I could....hate myself as well.

(No, I don't really hate cats but I definetly wouldn't want to deal with all those fur balls either.  Although I really do dig that catnip dude.  And it's legal.)

 

If I were a dog

I could lick my own....paws.

(I bet some of you reading this thought I was going to say something else, but honestly if I wouldn't lick someone else's why would I lick my own?  Some people just live in the gutter.  And besides, I already used that word in the last stanza.)

 

If I were a squirrel

I could eat....something else besides nuts.

(Do we really have to get into that one?  See the dog stanza above to get the general idea.  Unless I were a gay squirrel and then I might have to reconsider.)

 

If I were a turtle

I could be....an RV salesman.

(Or maybe a real estate agent?  But with the market the way it is it might knock me flat on my back and I wouldn't really want that now would I?  Legs all kicking in the air and stuff.  Like a dying cockroach or something.  Enough gawking.  Now flip me back over.)

 

If I were a monkey

I could throw....my own weight around.

(I would never throw what you might have been thinking.  Wouldn't want to get it on my hands or in my hair for that matter.  That's just nasty.)

 

If I were an elephant

I could become....a spokesmodel for Samsonite.

(Okay, that's a thinking person's joke.  I could also take a trip anywhere at anytime since I'd already be packed.  I think I'd get me a really cool earring too.  Probably a big gold hoop and maybe a gold cap for one of my tusks as well.  I'd be so styling.)

 

If I were a giraffe

I could....find me another giraffe and go necking.

(But not on the first date because I'm not that type of guy.  Of course, it would have to be a female giraffe.  And it wouldn't hurt if she was a chiropracter either.  I'd have it so made then.)

 

If I were an a*s

I could....prove so many people right.

(Been called that quite a bit in my life.  Now, if someone will just pass me the superglue I can fix the crack that has appeared in mine.)

 

If I were so many things

I could be....something more than a pig.

(But really, I guess a pig isn't so bad once you get past the stench and the filth and the bad eating habits and the lack of manners and the fact that we roll around in what the monkey might throw.  But we are good at finding truffles.  Oh, and one more thing.  My bacon brings all the folks to the yard and it is better than yours.  Yea, it is better than yours.)

 

Legion

15AUG08

 

 

Author's Note

Okay, 3 a.m. writes can sometimes bring out the beasts in us all. Pardon the pun. lol

Reviews

[Angelheaded Hipster]

Oh god...I have tears in my eyes....how did you know my head was in the gutter? And yes...Samsonite indeed...pre packed and ready to go...ooh, does that mean Im a thinking man now? Wait....thinking woman....thats what I meant.

I think this is my most favorite piece of yours. I adore it....laughing still, my sides hurt.

[mirui]

ROFLMAO. this is truly hilarious,.

[Gandré]

No, I don't really hate cats but I definetly wouldn't want to deal with all those fur balls either. -------haha I heard that men who love cats are all the same. Are you different? (Joking).

So, after your lecture I think, I live with pigs.

great, creative writing, you have a seriour depth-writing talent!

[Jeremiah Medina]

Funny, i liked the quick change of subjects, i get like that sometimes thinking of all the millions of things i could be, and what i would do ...its a great piece... I think ill keep it... Later Legion

[Emily B]

Love the beast! You really are a pleasant pig for all that. Got to love the wings. . . :-)

[octane143]

Ok ok I admit it...I was in the gutter! You caught me, but I blame you anyways, you led me there, put the thoughts into my head. I really like this one, it's silly and funny. I cought myself laughing out loud. A great read! What if you were a female though? Would you change your tune and try the gutter things...? Or would you just have better dreams ;)

[Barbara Walker]

Of course, my mind was immediately in the gutter, so I guess I'm a gutter snipe. Don't ask me what that is, my mother used to say that to me when I cussed, when I was a teen-ager. "Oh, you sound like a gutter snipe!" I should have asked her what that was, but if that's what you had to be to cuss, I was all for it!! You had me laughing out loud, so I know this is funny! Thanks for the laughter! Barbara

[LadyLove]

Ooookay! So don't eat furry balls and don't lick nuts! Don't stick your neck out for anyone less than a chiroparactor, and better yet, she should be a poop-rolling pig who won't mind the stench and filth and bad eating habits since she has them too. So she'd be the piggy that goes to market and brings home the roast beef instead of a cousin for dinner. Enjoy the mushroom little pig...it's made your 3 a.m. awful wacky!

[Orlando Murcia]

Very unique
I love your creativity
I am with O! one this one
I sang the song at the end as well

Great write!!

Orlando M

[Jo]

nyahaha very whimsical write, enjoyed reading it a lot :D