This Achilles' Heart

A haiku of the weak side of love.

This Achilles' Heart

 

 

Baptized within you.

Myself given to weakness,

This Achilles' heart.

 

 

Legion

05Jun08

Author's Note

May change this. Working on different versions of this. Not sure which one I will end up with eventually.

Reviews

[Dorchadas]

beautiful piece legion... I love the vunerability... I think that the simplicity adds to the feeling... it's perfect. Sometimes simplicity is best... it's so easy to lose the true depth of feeling or emotion of something with complicated imagery. Great call... truly expressive without being pretentious.

[Nan]

First off thanks for your notes on "describing the syntax" and "one child" and for the fave too. I visited my aunt this week who loves children so very much. the Chinese are allowed to have one natural child of their own because of population control. When she reminded me of this the tragedy just went deeper. So thanks very much for understanding what I do.

I love the idea of surrender you convey in Achilles heart, it's so very original. But I think the second line
doesn't do the rest of the poem justice, it's good but weak in comparison. I want to see the other versions if
that is ok because this one could pack a serious punch if the right technique is used. What I am asking is for the "aha" to be present.

One idea would be to make "her/him" present as an agent working on you. Does that make sense? What
happens to make you lose yourself in the lover. Most of all it's wonderful to feel this kind of love.

Thanks for sharing,

Nan

[emmajoy]

Beautiful... emotions many, words few.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful words and great skill.

[Gandré]

This is wonderful love and so true. When we fall in love we become vulnerable.

[SM Davis]

YES! The ultimate weakness...
Very well done, and superbly executed. I love Haiku...and you've done this justice.

[closed account]

I think it's great just the way it is.. great job.

[Wordcrafter]

Oh I like this L, but I agree with your feeling, there are so many possibilities here, you will know when you arrive to the one that feels right for you.

[poddar kushal]

the 7-5-7 haiku actually gives the writing an aura of mystified romance. the emotion is sweet and within its limited words, is dense.

[Tai Chi Italy]

A most unfortunate Achilies to have, hearting pumping just for her! Wow....great work, love haiku, so fulfillingly succinct....smiling at you, Tai

[Angel's Lady]

Perfect! Nicely done! I wouldn't change a word myself. Good job.

[A Lost Man Found]

Short sweet straight to the meaning and point of interest of the world full of us hopeless romantics out there. L o o o o o v v v v v v v v v v e i i i i i t t t t t !