Where A Teardrop Fills The Ocean

A short piece about the loss of love.

 

 

 

Where A Teardrop Fills The Ocean

 

 

 

Where a teardrop fills the ocean

And loss burns up the sky,

This is the place you'll see me

In the wasteland of your eyes.

 

When a solemn promise splinters

And a vow breaks open wide,

That is the moment rendered

And I am torn from your side.

 

What fire that burns the coldest

Within charred remnants of this heart

Gives birth over to grievance.

Souls intertwined now ripped apart.

 

Legion

22May08

Reviews

[Thomas James Martin]

I really enjoyed this. Did you mean it as a lyric, as it reads like a song to me. I liked all the stanzas. bit particularly the first one, which is sad but quite beautiful: Where a teardrop fills the ocean

And loss burns up the sky,

This is the place you'll see me

In the wasteland of your eyes.

Tom

[poetaster]

again you've done an excellent job with rhyming; this seems lyrical to me.
the first stanza is the best to me. it has the best rhythm and images; perhaps you could even repeat it at the end.
that's not to say the rest of your poem is shabby at all. the first stanza just seems the most original to me.
i probably like the second stanza the second most. "splinters" is great word choice there.
"Souls intertwined" is just a little hackneyed to me, sorry.
a random thought: some alliteration might really enhance this piece, though that is probably hard to revise in.
this poem definitely starts off with a bang.

[Windy]

Reads beautifully, but very sad.

[Pointblank]

wow. I love your use of words. Mine seem to be so pointblank. Yours gives a dreamy sense and I wish I could write like that. Maybe in my rush to get it down that is sacrificed. In reviewing your work I have learned something about my own. Patience. Thanks for sharing it..truly.

[Seriana]

What a painful rendition of love lost. Beautifully written. I'm starting to change my view about rhymed poetry. This was excellent!