Stuck on Goodbye

Original date: 12-15-09

I told you I'd be better this way,
though "goodbye" is something I hate.
I tried it out, let it fall on my tongue,
and now it tastes sour from what I have done.

How could I so eagerly listen to them?!
Oh right, it's because I call them my friends.
I feel like they're wrong, but I know they're not.
Still, I feel like I've been put on the spot.

I'm choking up, hurting, what have I done?
I know that my choice might have been the wrong one,
but why should I call myself a monster?
What if they're right? But I'm just not sure.

The truth is, the real truth, the truth that is true
is the truth that I honestly, really miss you.
But since the first day, when I said that first "yes,"
my heart and my lungs all felt compressed

like I had to be perfect so that you'd be pleased,
but pleasing for you is not easy for me.
I either feel like I'm pretty, or I must be useless.
That's how I knew that I just can't do this!