LL

A Chapter by Leap

To my lover,

     Love Letters seem to be in short order these days. Here is my attempt. I've never actually done this before so bear with me.
     I'm so frustrated with my loss of ability o formulate words well enough to express my emotions and do them justice. You know I'm fairly good at articulating most of my thoughts, opinions and, in general, my all-and-everyday useless information. but when it comes to you, I feel like I'm learning a new, alien language. Not only can I not find the right words, I doubt I'll find any of which you haven't already heard a million and one times.
     When you left for Ashland the first time, there came such a void...I actually felt a little ridiculous at the time. I remember working the next night. I took a break about once every forty minutes and smoked until my whole chest hurt and not just my heart. I cried. Three times. After the third, I figured it would be a good time to bottle it -- told myself to knock it off. I did this in private of course, and by crying I mean teared up (wow, I sound like such a p***y). The details are of little importance. You get the point. I got used to it after a few weeks and grew almost comfortable in the company of my longing for you. I missed you more than I've ever missed anything in my life. I was comforted by having you stuck in my head at all times and in every possible way. I found comfort and warmth in having the image of your face permanently indented in my line of sight. Eyes open, eyes closed, it didn't matter. you were everywhere. I found comfort in always hearing your voice inside my head -- even in the noisiest of places. I could picture your smile and frame it in my mind. I could listen to your most welcoming laughter and recite our inside jokes. I tallied the details I knew about you. Little things like your favorite moments from Arrested Development or your strange Asian phobia (try not to laugh). Your effect has always been the same. Everything within me opens up when you come around, and I become a bit disoriented and flushed. I'm actually shaking a little while writing this. You have the power which dissociates me from reality. You have more power than you realize.
     During your last visit, I felt free. I felt alive and I felt awake. I've tried to express this over the phone and in person, but I'm never happy with the way I say it. I've been asleep for so long before you saw me for who I really am. You've now seen me spread apart to my full extent. No one else really has. You've seen so much of my passion, and yet there is so much left to see. I've watched you watching me, and I've seen myself in you. You left this time, and took the entirety of my being along with you. Something escapes me every time I see you walk away. Everything's gone crooked, and the world has gone askew. Nothing's in its right place. Nothing is where it was while you laid in bed with me surrounded by my arms. I've gone back to sleep, but not as deeply as before. This is more like a doze.
     I never knew what I wanted until the obvious moments. I know I do now. I want to give you anything and everything that you want or need, and I promise to do just that. I want to make you the happiest girl who's ever lived. I give you my word that I'll give it my best shot.
     This is a love letter. It belongs to you and only you just as I belong to you and only you. You are more euphoric than all the drugs in the world. You eyes have captured all my energy, and mine have captured only a fraction of your mind, body and soul. I beg to see and experience the furthest reaches of everything within you. I want to see the things no one else has ever had the privilege to see. I will forever focus on you. At this point, I have no other choice. You are my dream come true.
     This letter may very well be the most honest and important writing of my life. With that said, I have to admit that I've been writing about you for years. I've been writing for you. Year after year I've had a woman in my head. She was unknown except by me. She was the only one I cared about knowing me. I never thought I'd see her or meet her; touch her or smell her. She spoke to me but not aloud. She was a figment of my soul. She is You. You are my muse baby. It's your voice which I interpret into music and later sing to. It's your face that keeps my pen to paper. You will never cease to be my source of inspiration. You live in me now. You could never leave me in this respect. So while your body may be somewhere else, I still feel you shivering under my skin, deep within my bones and running with my blood. Of course, I still prefer you beside me in bed.
     Oh my love, what I would do for you. Anything. I know that's way to easy to say but it's true...anything. This includes leaving you alone if you ever asked me to. I will support you through all of your ventures, but you will always have your space and your inherent independence. I would never even try to take that away. You forever have my trust and obedience. I'll never call you names unless they make you smile, and I hope to never make you cry unless they are tears of bliss. I will never touch you out of anger, spite or fear; only in the many ways you will ask me to. I pray I still make you tingle in the midst of ecstasy, even thirty years from now. I know without a doubt you will always stay new to me even as I grow old for you.
     Well my love, I think I've said enough, though it feels so insufficient. Here's my finish.
     Although I walk in straight lines, I back-step everyday. My destination is one of luck, and i remains the same...I still am and always have been on my way towards you.
     This is Your Love Letter. I know it sounds strange; maybe a bit much? Forgive me for that. I f it's not too much, you can count on thousands more of these to come because I'll be here until whatever end lies before us. You are all I need. If you let me, I will be yours forever more.

                      I Love You,
                            Mikey.


           p.s. This is the project. I think you know why I'm a little afraid for you to see it. This is the most vulnerable and honest I've ever been with another person in my life. I will admit to being surprised by you saying you couldn't guarantee saying no to everyone. But I do understand that I'm not your only possibility, and as much as that makes me sad, I accept that fact and will deal with it the best I can. I can only hope one day you may change your mind.

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