This is she

 

   As usual Misty doesn’t wait to be prompted before launching into a dialogue of her own free will. She’s sitting in my chair backstage in the bar where we work staring at her reflection in the mirror before her fingering her long black extensions with blood red nails at least two inches long. She possesses skin as black as night. Her eyes are caked in makeup, the norm for a profession that some primarily call erotic dancers, and her amber eyes peek out seductively from under the layers of fake eyelashes. Every girl who works at Nicole’s wants to be Misty. She rakes in cash with her act, her masterpiece as she likes to call it.

 

   “You have to create yourself something special, El.” She’s purring, still staring at her reflection and barely moving her rounded lips. “You need to believe in that something. Creation. It’s the name of the game, honey.”

 

   She fancies herself an actress, our Misty does, and wouldn’t dream of letting an opportunity pass wherein she can spout her knowledge learned from a lifetime of performing. Sometimes I’ll catch a group of the younger girls sitting at her feet waiting to catch a drop of gold, the liquid gold that Misty seems to sweat. They soak her up, every last inch of her. She offers them something to hold onto in a world where nothing is but a reflection of something you wanted to be. Back when you had the chance to be anything.

 

    She’s like our very own Queen Mab.

 

   She can give you everything you ever dreamed of. She offers a dream to the wretched, a soul to those who lost theirs a million miles ago. She’s the dream you once had before the world got in the way.

 

   This is she.

 

   She’s talking to herself, absorbed in the image in the mirror. Centuries could pass and Misty wouldn’t notice. Even without an audience Misty would continue to preach her sermon. She gives this speech every evening before we start a shift.

 

   “You have to lose yourself. No one forced you to be here but that’s the look you have etched on your face. Lose that and you could be something beautiful. You forget you’re almost thirty and have sacks of empty skin for tits and so will they.”

 

   She hooks an arm around my shoulder and her whisper curls around my ear like a silken spider web. Her sweet breath mixes with my own. She is the creator of every girl in this place; no one can avoid the spell that washes through the halls when she walks along them. We are the rejected, Nicole’s isn’t known for its high class. Yet, since Misty joined the club we have brought in buckets. Everyone in town knows about her show.

 

   Say it for me, honey.

 

   “I am she.”

 

   Perfect.

 

   “I know men look at me and the reigns of their hearts snap in two. I can hear it flapping against their chests. But, darlin’, they despise me for it.”

 

   Misty’s real passion in life, aside from herself, is love. She’s told us countless epic love stories, ones you’d be more comfortable reading in a Jackie Collins novel than hearing from the lips of a woman you’ve shared bodily fluids with. Not the love you’d imagine from a woman carved of such forgery, not wild adventures with movie stars or billionaires. Misty is in love with an idea so farfetched it could be possible. A housewife is what Misty wants to be when she grows up.

 

   However hard to believe, this is she.

 

   Sunny taps me on the shoulder.

 

   “Misty, you better get a move on. They’re waiting for you to start.”

 

   One more for the road.

 

   I am she.

Author's Note

First draft. Would like to hear some general thoughts. Thanks.

Reviews

[Matt Pellegrini]

The name Misty? I don't know. I think I could be missing some metaphor or connection you're going for with the name, but I don't know. It's not that I personally find anything wrong with the name, it was just two factors, her black as night skin and just who the character is herself. Usually, dancer names play to looks often regarding skin color, and I think you could potentially find a stronger name, but I have nothing against Misty sticking. Sometimes it's just "the" name you see for the person.

"in the mirror before her fingering her long black extensions," Well there are two her's here, one of which needs to go, but I would consider dropping "before her."

"Her eyes are caked in makeup." I would like to read some super bright, gaudy color here. Have the makeup cause her to look like something, some kind of simile.

"Sometimes I’ll catch a group of the younger girls sitting at her feet waiting to catch a drop of gold, the liquid gold that Misty seems to sweat." Liked this. Sweat and erotic dancers give a very specific image, smell to most people. So even though this wasn't actual sweat, I saw a sweaty dancer in some dingy night club.

"She offers them something to hold onto in a world where nothing is but a reflection of something you wanted to be." This theme, the theme of mirrors and reflections. I noticed it recurs quite a few times. I like the theme, it's great. You should do more with it.

I like the title. The repetition of the phrase. The phrase itself. Somewhat haunting and empowering. Like something I could see Oprah saying haha. But it's a little too cool for Oprah in all honesty.

"Misty is in love with an idea so farfetched it could be possible." Either "couldn't" or "impossible" here probably.

I think you have to play up the fact that Misty is a creation even more in the beginning. One, it will definitely strengthen the theme of creation and completely going into this character. Two, it will strengthen the ending too. Having the narrator really see Misty as a completely different entity, not her, will really sink in the ending for the reader and make it the best it could be.

This first draft and core of the story is solid, and I think really highlighting and taking some of the themes and ideas more in depth will make it really good.

I like seeing a story about erotic dancers/strippers and such because it's something so foreign and unknown to me and most. I love writing about that stuff too. And when I write about some whole other subculture type of thing, I like to add in a lot of factual information about it, or throw some jargon or lingo around in the story. One, it makes the whole setting really true to life and even more believable. And two, I love just hearing about some other world that actual DOES exist. You don't necessarily have to read some sci-fi or fantasy story to be taken to another place that is absolutely strange and different. Of course, that's something that maybe I only personally like, and a lot of people might not like jargon or slang in their stories, or actually be interested in that kind of stuff, but I absolutely love learning anything new that I can.

So, maybe if you look to extend this, do some research on the job in general. Is there a certain day or time the better dancers/acts perform? Do some types of acts have really specific names or are called by some other term backstage by the dancers? Are there slang terms for good and bad patrons? Haha, I don't know anything like that is just cool to me.

But again, I thought it was a solid, unique, and well done first draft.