Chapter 1

*The thrill of it is important*

Chapter I

Ring! Ring! Ring!
My pocket alarm that I’d bought at a second hand shop rang waking me up from my fretful sleep.
I checked the clock that I had under my flat pillow every night and saw that it said:
6:00am.
I stifled a yawn as I peeled off my baggy shirt that I used as pajamas. Then, I hunted for my clothes under my bed that consisted of a pair of worn-out denim skinny jeans, size 7 brown loafers, another baggy white shirt with mud stains, and a new denim jacket that was my most prized possession-I’d discovered it in a dumpster. I quickly threw my clothes on, and slipped my feet into my loafers. Then I walked to the door, opened it, and
walked down the stairs toward our tiny kitchen.
“Ugh!” I yelped. There, sitting in front of me at our table was my father-drunk and all. He was lying, sleeping with a dozen half drunken bottles all with different ‘flavours’; there were spirits, beer, whiskey, guinness-You name it. But, what should I do? If he were to wake up…Oh, he’d get me in trouble for good. Instead of lingering any longer, I grabbed my satchel that contained $5.15 , a broken mirror compact, and my pocket alarm from my room that I had placed in the bag when I got downstairs.
I carefully crept to the front door, down the dirty, flat, grey carpet. When I opened the door, a big wave of cool air rushed into my face, rustling my blondish-brownish hair that was held back in a ponytail. At fourteen years, I was pretty tall for my age and had a nice curve to my body. But this I was not proud of which originated from my mother. I suppose you could say I didn’t like my stature one little bit. You could say I didn’t like who I was.
Holding my satchel close to my curvy chest, I walked outside through the dark alley behind our apartment.
“Oof!” I said as I tripped over a stray plastic bag full of trash.
Eventually, after taking tall steps, I exited the alley. When I looked around at what lay before me, I saw all the different shops. There was the butcher shop-Expensive too-and the grocery store. A gas station, and an expensive condo towering above that stood across the street.
Cars, from rusty to fashionable, zoomed past me as I walked toward the gas station. Now, what did I really need? Whoosh! Whoosh!!
Cars one by one flew past me. Why is it so busy today? Suddenly the cars slowly came to a stop before me. Row upon row, colours upon colours, there were so many cars. The road had three lanes, while the sidewalk was crammed up against the sides of the street. The sidewalk was cracked and dusty on our apartments’ side of the sidewalk, and on the condos’ side there were lush gardens, with perfectly paved sidewalks. It was not fair. Why did they get this, and we people who needed that the most were getting this trash?
“I need you to find her immediately!” A man on a cellphone exclaimed as he rushed past me.
He was brawny, but formal in his suit and tie. He had his brown hair slicked back with gel. A swarm of people followed him, asking questions and holding cameras. I suppose they are the camera crew. But, why is that man being pursued by these people? He must be of some importance. I was determined to find out but knew that I had my errands to complete. Save the fun parts for later. I’m no detective that has all their life for investigating.
“Oh no!” I exclaimed as I saw my father stumble behind me, tripping over his feet.
“Come back here! There’s something important I need to tell you!” My father yelled at me.
Why was he in such a mood to try trick me? This was an interesting turn of events.
I dashed between a lady and her chihuahua, tangling them up in the leash as they walked. She wore an evening dress, and carried a bag.
People stumbled as I tried dodging them as I ran, plus the adjoining obstacles- garbage cans, or even another dog. I glanced behind me, my father was not in sight.
“Phew.” I muttered, wiping my forehead from the sweat that threatened to come.
When I slowed my pace to walking, I realized how far I was. Where was I? This was no familiar surrounding. There was a building, it looked so perfect. It was a hotel for the name that glowed up said, Hotel de Vuleit
“Oh no…Where am I now?”
“Yer’ in the neighberhood’ of Madame Vuliet. Yer’ not of this place?” A curious man asked.
“Umm..I just lost my way as I came too far.” I replied.
“Well you ain’t need to be ‘fraid cuz I won’t hurt ye’. Meh’ names Neil. Where do ye’ need to go?”
Should I reply? Could I really trust this man? Ok, I’ll make sure to be on my guard. I need to find my way back anyhow.
“Well, alright. I was back in my apartment-”
“Where do ye’ live?” The man burst in.
“Ahh..I would feel more comfortable if this was kept classified.” I replied with growing suspicion, “But anyways, I was at my house and went out onto the main street which held all the shops-Gas pro (the gas station), the grocery store and all the others. Then I was um…just being chased by this man and realized when I stopped running that I wasn’t in my street anymore. So…I was wondering if you could point me in the right direction?”
“What street do ye’ live in?”
“Umm…theres no street because it is just an ahh apartment.” I replied with growing anxiety.
“Well I’ve no ‘dea where ye’ are tryin’ to get to. So either tella’ meh where exactly or can’t help ye’. ”
“I suppose it’s alright…There will probably be umm some ahh signs or something to guide ahh me home.” I answered, taking small steps back from the man. I didn’t have a good feeling about talking to him any longer.
“Excuse meh gal I’ll catch ye’ later den’.”
He said as he winked at me.
“Ok umm yeah see you umm later.” I stuttered, trying to force a smile.
“Men these days..” I jumped as I heard a woman talk behind me. “You know sometimes we need to do what we gotta do as woman, you know? If they want us to do something we don’t want to do, we slap them and show them what we CAN do!” I turned around to see a bedraggled old woman, who held a cane shorter than half her body. She had grey hair that stuck out on each side of her head and she wore a grey dress that clung to her body for dear life. Her face-There were many wrinkles above and below her eyes, and surprisingly she wore no glasses that would perfect this odd sight.
“Are you talking to me Ms..Ahh Ms..” I faltered, feeling embarrassed.
“Yes I am talking to you. And You can call meh Mrs.Lane.”
Oh what a weird name! Mrs? How could this old woman be married?! And of course, I’d expect ‘Lane’ to be of a beautiful young woman, not an old, filthy person! Maybe ‘ragged’ would suit her, ‘Mrs.Dirtyhands’ or even ‘grubby’.
“Well, I’m sorry my name does not suit my stature.” the old woman said as she laughed.
I yelped. How? Can she read minds?
“And no, I cannot read minds.”
“How do you…how?!” I exclaimed with fear.
“Oh, it is my gift.”
“To be a psychic?!”
“I am not a witch, child.”
As she said that, I saw a man staring at us intently.
The old woman turned around and quickly glanced at the man.
“Oh he must be one of them…Quickly follow me! Save explanations for later!”
Then she grasped me with vice-like hands, and started to pull me towards the hotel.
WHOOSH!
I yelled for help, not knowing what was going on.
Suddenly, I opened my eyes and I found myself in empty space. It seemed crazy, but everywhere I turned there was blankness. It looked like fog, or mist, but I just sat there, feeling lonely and scared.
Then, I started to fall, like something was sucking me into the depth of the nothingness.
I opened my eyes to find myself in a beautiful room. It was furnished like so- It had a four poster huge bed, with heavy red silk as the bedding. The ends where rimmed with gold-real or not, the bed was beautiful. As I looked around, I saw a wardrobe that was painted red, with intricate gold designs. Then there was a bath with no faucet. That was weird. I hoped to find out later. But oh dear! I can’t stay here! I must go complete my errands! How did I get here? I was about to step out of the bed when suddenly the doorknob of the door which was twice the size of me started to jingle and rattle, like someone was trying to open it.
BOOM!
The door suddenly barged open, and a man with a suit and tie came forward. He carried a damp cloth, and walked cautiously closer and closer.
I started to back away on the bed, pulling myself closer to the wall, when suddenly I realized with fear that I couldn’t escape.
I pressed my back into the wall, hoping the wall would absorb me, for the man with the cloth did not at all seem friendly. He jumped forward, and flung the cloth onto my nose.
I suddenly felt like I was floating on air, but then I fell, deeper and deeper into a darkness so great. It enveloped me quickly into its great fangs. My eyes closed, and I let the dark mist seep into my body, as I fell into a careless sleep.

Reviews

[james_cooper]

Hi, Chain! I just read the first chapter and I`m gonna tell you what I`ve seen. I hope it`s useful for you somehow. 1.You are probably quite expressive person and use a lot of words like "ugh"; "oof" "oh" and etc., while you speak, and tend to use them while you write. It`s not bad, but I think if you use them a bit more rarely, it will have much greater effect. Otherwise, it seems that the heroine is just groaning. 2.Short sentences are nice, and some time preferable. But some of the short sentences seem to be missing something. Example: "Row upon row, colours upon colours, there were so many cars." "Something upon something" - I like this structure, but it sounds a bit unfinished for me. I felt that in several other sentences, but maybe it`s just my point of view. 4.What I like really was the inner dialogue. I think the reader likes to know more about the thoughts, the feelings, the desires of the hero/heroine, and you describe the pretty well. 5.You also tend to describe the way some people talk-their style and words they use. I like that. But sometime as a reader it`s a bit overwhelming for me. I also try to create as natural dialogues as I can, but some people still might prefer "going to" instead of "gonna". So we have to be aware. 6.And something that is pretty tricky-the descriptions of the places and the environment. You have an eye for lots of details, which is good, especially for a writer. I am also temped of describing lots of things, but have in mind that some readers don`t like that, and sometimes it`s better to say "I walked into a luxury bedroom", instead of describing the wide bed, the red walls, the couple of paintings, the Oriental carpet and etc. I hope this is somehow useful and I didn`t sound too negative. I admire your talent, your desire, and I think you will be a great writer. Just bear that there are readers like me. :)))

[Chain of Hearts]

Thank you for your review :D

[MomzillaNC]

Your tale has real possibilities.

NOTES: Overall, I think the chapter needed another read through and edit before posting.

I recommend double-spacing between paragraph breaks. Opening up the space between blocks of text makes it easier to follow on screen.

The copy is a bit confusing at times. For example: "There, sitting in front of me at our table was my father-drunk and all. He was lying, sleeping with a dozen half drunken bottles all with different ‘flavours’; there were spirits, beer, whiskey, guinness-You name it. But, what should I do? If he were to wake up…Oh, he’d get me in trouble for good. Instead of lingering any longer, I grabbed my satchel that contained $5.15 , a broken mirror compact, and my pocket alarm from my room that I had placed in the bag when I got downstairs." [So, is the father sitting at the table or lying on it? How does the father get the narrator into trouble? I presume you meant the narrator would be in trouble with the father if he were woken. The detailing of the contents of the satchel feel just thrown in as filler rather than necessary to the advancement of the story]

[Chain of Hearts]

Thanks for your review! I was wondering if you could read my newer book that I'm writing it's called "***Still considering the title***" (Haven't decided what the title will be yet)... I'm not really planning on continuing this book as I did not find that the plot would work out successfully. The book I'm writing right now is more straight forward which I prefer better.
Please take a look!
-LK

[MomzillaNC]

I've been unwell (and continue to be) and am very far behind in my RRs. I have well over a hundred to catch up on. It's going to be a long while. I'll try.

[wordman]

well this is very interesting and I can imagine what's next and I hope this is not a true story

[Chain of Hearts]

Its not haha