Living with cancer

It's basically how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer and some of the dark feelings surrounding that.

Laying in the hospital bed the female gave off a deep, powerful, hauntingly dark, unapproachable aura which was fully consumed with demons and utter terror. With eyes closed she let out the deepest sigh she can manage another needle, another blood sample, another doctor, another nurse, another irritating lunch lady, another face, another name. Non of it mattered to her because the only word that echoed through her mind was "cancer." The pain of being diagnosed with this horrific disease felt like her heart had exploded from her chest, fragmented bits of her ribs and flesh scattering the surrounding wall nothing left in her cavity but a black, rotting gaping hole where something valuable should have been. But there was no evidence of that pain on her face, there was no physical pain to be seen what so ever. The day they told the heavily pregnant girl that it was "close to her brain" was the day her mind shut down completely. Her body was there but her vessel was completely empty, her soul escaped and ran a trillion miles. You could knock but she wasn't home, she will never be home.



Dazed in the middle of her nightmare which had now mixed into her reality she looked at her baby, her eyes glazed over with unfathomable agony the light leaving her eyes as the realisation hit that if she died from this disease her baby will never know her. She won't ever know how much love she felt for her, she won't remember anything about her, she'd simply be a name without a face. No heart left to break, her mind already lost, there was no explanation on how truly alone she felt in that moment.

Turning to her mother she blinked through soulless eyes, seeing her mother in such pain she held back her own although this was through gritted teeth and much strain. Alone and lost she carried this lead weight on her young tired shoulders not able to find a singular being to relate to her "black." Through many forced smiles she met with her friends, their smiles true, their hair full, their health intact. She couldn't help but feel jealous. Bitter and jealous that this had happened to her. Looking at her bald head her confidence shattered into un-mendable pieces. Still she could not show how much it destroyed what little that was left as it pained her loved ones to see her this way.



At 3am she often carried her traitorous, unreliable body down the stairs to stare at her mother and daughter resting together. The guilt burning in her throat, the chemo had made her so weak and unwell that her mother had to take over at night to ensure she could rest to try and fight this disease. "Failure." was the only other words her brain ever echoed, she felt angry and hateful about herself because she was failing as a mother and as a daughter. The anger burned through her entire being why?, why? she questioned the "gods" so many times why her. All she wanted was to love and nourish her baby but instead here she was failing, broken, lost, alone and dying. Dragging herself to the bathroom she new this was her only chance. Looking at her unrecognisable reflection she sobbed, she sobbed until she couldn't feel anything anymore. She would then kiss her daughter goodnight and try to sleep, but even in her sleep she was never free.



Looking at her partner again she felt like a "failure". Young and unknowing of the future he lay beside her useless, dying, hideous body when he deserved much better. She thought of all the attractive, beautiful young women that are all around but he lay beside her, nowhere near half the woman he fell in love with. She would often lay there awake at night her mind full with doubts and thoughts that ate her alive because she felt so unworthy and ugly and burdensome to be his girlfriend, but still life went on. Though she was paralysed in time the world around her still span whilst she was trapped in "Cancer" and "it's close to your brain."



After many treatments and much sickness came the day she was told it had gone. That day everyone cheered and their lives resumed but for her it still had not ended. It won't ever end. For them it was over, they felt free and their shoulders lightened. She felt as heavy as before, more terror added to the mix. "What if it does come back... somewhere close by..." is all she can think as she tries to restart the clock, but still her mind lives in "Cancer" and "it's close to your brain." Angry, frustrated loved ones bellow at her that she is not positive enough that she is not appreciating that she is still here, they are angry because she refuses to accept that there is hope and a future, they are angry because she's always afraid of re-occurrence and feel she mustn't live this way. She tries not to. She tries to start again but her pain and mind fails to restart, she is stuck and still afraid this time more alone than ever as they simply cannot grasp why she is afraid anymore. When she closes her eyes she screams in reality from the haunting dreams, it's still very real for her. She's trying to heal and move on but it's difficult to forget. All the memories and terror constantly flash before her eyes, the sensation of the chemotherapy entering her veins, the feeling of her throat closing from the drugs that irritate her body, the feeling of having a imitation of a stroke due to side effects or maybe just intense anxiety, the steroids which caused weight gain



and most of all... the horror and utter terror of "cancer"

Author's Note

Let me know if it was any good and if you've suffered with this awful disease if you can relate to any of it.