These Things

Do you know what it's like to feel scared all of the time? Do you know what it's like to walk down the street, to walk around corners, to open doors, to walk into crowded rooms and feel terror?

 

Terror, clawing its way up your spine, wrapping around your throat so tight that you can't breathe, can't speak. Your eyelids frozen open, your mouth fused shut, your hands shaking uncontrollably.

 

Your eyes, oh how you wish your eyes would shut. How you wish you could look away. But you can't. You’re frozen. You’re glued to the spot.

 

Do you know what that's like? Because I do.

 

Do you know what it's like to have no control over your mind? Do you know what it's like to live in fear of yourself? To think thoughts, to put those thoughts into a physical presence, to wish it all away, but have no control?

 

Thoughts that will not cease. Thoughts that bubble up and spill over into reality. Thoughts that make you tear at your skin and gnash your teeth. Thoughts that you wish would disappear, but don't.

 

A thought, and then an action. How you wish you could break that link. But you can't. You’re frozen. You’re silent.

 

Do you know what that's like? Because I do.

 

Have you ever been so scared, so lonely, so vulnerable, that you would lash out and do something terribly stupid? Have you ever hurt someone else? Have you ever pulled a gun at a knife fight?

 

Have you? Because I have.

 

Have you ever hated someone so much that you’d rather die than see them happy? Have you ever? Have you? Because I have. Because I do.

 

Have you ever let that hate control you? Have you ever been afraid of it? Of what you’ll do because if it? Because I have. Because I am.

 

Have you ever bought a gun? Have you ever planned a murder? Have you ever justified renting a chainsaw? Have you ever googled “how to get rid of blood stains”? Have you? Because I have. I have.

 

 

Author's Note

Note: absolute fiction.