Watching

A short scary story

She reaches with her free hand towards the door handle, the gallon of skim milk in her right hand spoils her balance and the key misses the lock once, before making it home. Entering the tiny apartment the alarm system makes its comforting, 'beep, beep,' as it is disarmed and she clicks on the lights in the cramped entryway. A slight clinking fills the apartment as she drops her keys in the carnival glass bowl she inherited from her gram. 

On the way to the kitchen, where a half made cake waits impatiently for its final necessary ingredient, a vague feeling of wrongness pours down her spine. She quietly places the milk on a handy side table and grabs the nearest object that could be used as a weapon. Quickly and silently she makes her way back to the front door, her makeshift weapon, an oversized and quite dirty coffee mug, held high. Scanning left and right she looks for anything that might be moving in the shadows. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she spots something covering what used to be a blank green wall in her living room. After a scant moment of thought, she gathers herself and clicks on more lights. 

A collage of photos greets her. She relaxes marginally, laughing nervously to herself. It must be something her mom did. Edging between the overstuffed sofa and coffee table, which combined take up half the room, she looks closer at what she expects to be snapshots of her family. 

The first shot she sees confuses her, it's of her at the Sissy's Gym on a treadmill. Dread, recently departed, returns full force when she realizes they're all photos of her, dating back years. All taken without her knowledge. As she backs away she sees a photo that must have been taken that very morning, she'd only eaten at Chez Michelle the once. 

Tripping over the coffee table she crashes down, but still, she can't tear her eyes away from the photos. Suddenly the negative space seems to coalesce.  A hidden message, as if the photos weren't enough themselves, becomes clear. "I'm always watching."

Author's Note

What do you think? How were the descriptions? Was the mood set effectively? Was it creepy?

Reviews

[Dante Carlisle]

This was exceptionally well done. The only critique that I could find, and I did look for something, was that the opening sentence of the second paragraph is a bit longer than necessary. That was the only portion of the story that I hung up on.

Other than that, this was great, and I love the twist you put on it. The up/down of thinking her mother did it and then realizing that it was in fact someone else worked beautifully.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you very much! Because of your review I reread this with fresh eyes (haven't looked at it in a month) and saw that I had some major tense switching errors that I corrected. I also fixed the first sentence of the second paragraph as you suggested. Thanks!

[Dante Carlisle]

No problem at all. Out of curiosity, what made you choice present tense instead of past tense? Simple preference or a particular reason?

[LawrenceRaybon]

Present tense is better for suspense in my opinion. Even though this particular story isn't in first person, past tense can give the feeling that the story is being told from a safe future vantage point, whereas present tense is in the moment so anything can happen. First person past tense stories lack suspense because you know the narrator got out of the situation in order to tell you the story.

This story was always meant to be present tense, I just slipped into past tense for half a paragraph for some reason.

[Dante Carlisle]

I like the reasoning behind it. I've just never been able to bring myself into present tense fully. Even when reading, I'm too keen on the 'storyteller' aspect of a story, so I'm curious where the story is coming from.

I like the thought that it makes for more suspense, and I have to agree, it definitely would. This might be something I need to look into a bit more.

I guess I've read so much epic fantasy that I've become closed-minded to anything other than third-person omniscient past tense. Thanks for the reply

[LawrenceRaybon]

Always happy to take part in a discussion! This story may not be the best example of present tense. A really good story set in present tense won't make you think, 'Hey this is present tense' instead it will make you think, 'Oh crap, what's going to happen next.'

If you would like to read more by me the following piece plays with tense as a means to increase tension. It's been professionally edited and published in a literary magazine. Both the tense and type of pronoun changes to reflect a shift in the story. I considered it an achievement when I had to bring it up to my editor for them to notice and then have them understand why without having to explain past pointing out the change.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/LawrenceRaybon/1342386/

[Dante Carlisle]

I'm impressed. As much as I love to study the art of writing, looking back I realize I rely very heavily upon past tense. The problem is that so few people write present tense well, or they don't even understand that they're doing it and simply don't have the skill to do so. I'll take a look at that story and see what I see. Thanks for the link!

[Cy!]

I love the description and how you described the room around her.

I also think you were playing a bit safe with this one though. Safe by I mean, from this detail I know you can do so much more. I think you could have played around with this more, give something a little bit more unexpected.

Something that will REALLY get people thinking about what happens next. That's what suspense is all about. Your story seems realistic, but it's okay to put something in there that is out of the ordinary.

Sorry, but I guess I'm one to push people to their highest potential. I want to see more of your work.

~LG

[matrixmark]

I thought htis was very well written. The descriptives we're very good. In particular - a vaugue feeling of wrongness pours down her - I have never seen fear written like that before (new one on me but definately good) Good tension build all before she switches on the lights.

Nice little twist with the picures of her being taken earlier on that morning. That was definately creepy (again a new on one me..bravo)


Reminds me of something out of scream or i know what you did last summer.
Very well executed sir. My hat goes off to you.
Love the ending - i'm always watching.

Mark.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!