Calgary Weir

A ballad

Once upon a twilight fall

as climbing, I, a tree so tall

what is it that I see and hear?

The massacre of Calgary Weir.

And enemies in coats of red,

attack them all til each is dead,

and as it is, with I so near,

could see faces of Calgary Weir.

The mothers, daughters, fathers, sons

all slain by King; and blades and guns;

and so it was that soldiers shear

the souls of those of Calgary Weir.

And as the bodies cool, now stilled,

the Red Coats plunder house and field.

Oh, how they laugh and hoot and jeer,

yes, as they're burning Calgary Weir.

Then from the forest quite nearby,

what is it there that I espy?

It isn't fox, nor fowl or deer.

No, tis a one of Calgary Weir.

A crone so old, with back so bent,

but head held high with ill intent.

The soldiers look, but do not fear,

on this, the last of Calgary Weir.

Then the lady chants aloud,

as moon is swallowed by a cloud,

and in the black of missing sphere,

silence reins o'er Calgary Weir.

Then there comes a gentle rustle

as if rodents waking bustle,

and when the moon from cloud comes clear

I see the dead of Calgary Weir.

Each one had risen up once more.

The corpses claim their killer's core.

And soon I see red mist appear,

o'er the whole of Calgary Weir.

Then, down I climb, quick like a flash;

and away I run from demons, dash.

And though some others, they will sneer,

I leave alive from Calgary Weir!

And to this day I do not know,

for to that place I will not go,

if vengeful dead did disappear 

or if they walk in Calgary Weir...

Author's Note

Tried to fix the rhythm some.

Changed the description from 'A story poem' to 'A ballad' as I inadvertently wrote a ballad!

I did away with all but one instance of the 'do verb' monstrosities. I really like the line
'if the dead did disappear' and so it is the only 'do verb' I kept.

I did my best to fix the tense issues. Since the narrator is first person telling a story I ran into issues where he describes a thing and goes back and explains. When he first describes I try to keep it present tense but when he goes back to explain I switch to past tense as I believe a actual person would. For example:

And soldiers, they in coats of red,
attack them all til each is dead,
and as it is, with I so near,
could see the faces of Calgary Weir.

The mothers, daughters, fathers, sons
all slain by Queen; and blades and guns;
and so it was that they did shear
the souls of those of Calgary Weir.

The first stanza is in present and the second stanza is in past tense, because the villagers are already dead by the time the narrator gets to the second stanza.

In any case I know this piece had some tense issues, so I wanted to explain my reasoning behind the tense shifting I let in place.

What do you think?

Reviews

[Augustus]

This is clearly a ballad, a story poem as you call it. It is written in couplets of iambic tetrameter, although interestingly you end each stanza with 'Calgary Weir' so you have essentially used one rhyme for half the poem. The meter suits the form. presentation is good and the progression of thought is smooth and clear. The poem flows, by and large, but the meter is uneven in places. You have employed some nice phrases as well with "missing sphere" being my favourite. My main criticism is that you use the format "did + verb" to avoid using past tense. This is evidently done to maintain rhymes. While such a thing might be acceptable once in a while, I see it overdone in this poem and it certainly detracts from the impact. Well written structured verse always sounds natural, even if it has been meticulously crafted. The use of devices such as "did + verb" or too many inversions make the work sound artificial and therefore less effective. You could alter the lines slightly and yet maintain the rhymes. For instance, instead of "Away I ran, yes I did dash", you could say something like "Away I ran: a frantic dash". Simple poems can sometimes be rather difficult at times. This seems to be one of those. But with a few modifications I think it will read much better. Keep writing!

[LawrenceRaybon]

I will go through and do away with most of the 'do verbs' and their many forms! I tend to overuse them in general as I tend to feel they lend a playful quality to the writing, but as this isn't a playful poem they shall be curtailed!
I will work on the meter later with my head clears and I can look at the poem with fresh ears.
The 'missing sphere' is actually a line I agonized over, I couldn't tell if it was effective or contrived, I'm glad you liked it as that answers my question!

As always thanks for the detailed and insightful feedback!

[Augustus]

You're most welcome Lawrence! I have been writing primarily structured verse since I was 11 and I've been guilty of many of the things I've pointed out. Weeding them out improved my own poetry and I hope it helps others, so I dole out sincere advice. If you wish, I can help you out with the meter and the phrasing, whenever I get time. Cheers!

[LawrenceRaybon]

If, when you get a chance, you would give this poem another look and see if I took adequate care of the 'do verb' things, I would be most grateful! I left the 'dead did disappear' for alliteration sake but I believe I replaced the rest. Thanks again!

[Kittie885]

Wow this had me captivated from the first word to the last. The story it tells is interesting and the rhythm is soothing. The word choice is brilliant as well!

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

[Justin Powell]

I love this ballad. The title is a perfect combination of sounds. It demands to be spoken aloud. I really enjoyed the rhythm of the piece as well. The major issue I have that could be fixed is the use of 'Calgary Weir' to end so many lines. I understand why they end each stanza but there are so many stanzas that it starts to feel tedious. That starts to take away some of the power of the poem. One suggestion, take or leave it, is to change the ending of a few of those stanzas to something else. Think of it like a chorus to a song. You have the reader hooked then hit them with something unexpected that reinforces the message/central theme of the poem. Maybe do it in the fourth and eighth stanza. Just a thought.

Like I said, I love this piece but it could still be improved in my opinion. As it stands now, I give it something in the low nineties. I am a tough grader as I think honesty is the best thing you can give a writer. Consider this a great grade.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics

[MoriartyMesa]

Loved it. I loved the tones and the words. Nice

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you!

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

I really enjoyed this poem. You are such a harder worker and a wonderful writer. Thank you for helping me so much. I really appreciate all your group does.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you and you're welcome!

[Konigin]

I like it. It was powerful. Well done! :)

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the review, I'm glad you liked it!

[Konigin]

:) You are welcome!

[Fran Marie]

an interesting dark tale within this ballad ....nice vivid details painting the scene ` well done I say!!

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it!

[Susan C. Allen]

Very nice voice as well as rhythm and rhyme...the speaker sounds like a young boy spying the horrible events of a battle from the civil War era. So nice work there. There are a few bumps along the way however, with wc as in the line ...rodents start to bustle...not sure "bustle" works for me. Also, you should try to match the tenses..is and was. I'd stay in present tense. Overall excellent work here.
Susan

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the review! I'll go through and fix the tense issues as best I can.

I didn't understand the note, "There are a few bumps along the way however, with wc as in the line ...rodents start to bustle...not sure "bustle" works for me." I'm unfamiliar with the term 'wc'.

Thanks again!
Lawrence

[Susan C. Allen]

oh sorry, wc means word choice...and bumps means it didn't always flow for me. when I read poetry if I have to stop and start because of an error in meter, I say it's a bit bumpy.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks! I have very little formal training in creative writing and poetry so I'm still catching up as far as lingo... I have edited it some since your last perusal so hopefully the bumps have been mostly smoothed. I really like the rustle/bustle rhyme so I kept it, but I rejiggered the wording so maybe it will feel better. Thanks for the review!

Cheers,
Lawrence

[NoelHC]

Interesting poem here, I went to read it as the title caught my eye. I live in Calgary, and there is a weir on the Bow River, it has lead to the drowning of many a rafter over the years. At great cost a few years ago, this area was converted to white water rafting. The floods last year destroyed that.
So, other than rhyming, what prompted the words "Calgary Weir", I am curious, as no incidents as described ever happened there.
Noel

[LawrenceRaybon]

I had no idea that Calgary Weir was a real place! I just liked the way the name rolled off the tongue. It came in a kind of flash, the name before the poem even. Actually the first line was going to be:

Come you all and gather near
and hear the tale of Calgary Weir.

I ended up dropping that line but the name of the place stuck.

[DaughterNature]

Woo, spooky! I think this is pretty cool, a play on the idea of a ballad. For the most part, you stick to the rhythm and rhyme scheme, but there are a few lines that feel like they might have an extra strong or weak syllable in them -- read it out loud! The imagery is very nice, I like the spookiness. However, on a technical note, you begin in implied past tense, then write in present tense, then revert to past tense -- I prefer to avoid whiplash when reading poetry -- just make sure all of your verbs agree with the tense you have chosen.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the feedback!
I'll work on the tense issues.
I'll have to give it a few days before I work on the rhythm as I have read and said the poem so many times at this point that I can't hear straight!

Thanks!

[DaughterNature]

Lolz, I can definitely sympathize! Sometimes you just need to let a piece sit in a drawer for a few weeks so you can come back to it fresh!