Only the Rain

A short story based on a prompt given to me by C. Rose, written to practice description of setting and character development as suggested by Emma Olson

The scar ran from just under his hairline, down his forehead, skipped his left eye and continued down his cheek to just about an inch above his jawline.  He liked to pretend it was from a sword fight, it was the kind of scar a sword fighter might have, a shallow slash leaving a puckered pink trail.  A sort of badge of honor.  He absently rubbed his cheek where the thin line kept any of his dark stubble from growing as he read the email from Dr. Michaels:

“Kai,

I hope this finds you well.  Your blood tests confirmed what your recent check up indicated:  You are in perfect health (except for your genetic issue, of course).  Again I would like to urge you to reconsider pursuing treatment for your condition.  Medical science has progressed exponentially since you were first diagnosed, and although your allergy is perplexing, in all likelihood an effective treatment exists!  Who knows, sometimes childhood allergies become less severe in adulthood.  You don’t have to let fear control your life.  Let me know if you change your mind and we can begin testing immediately.

Sincerely,

Dr. Ken Michaels, M.D.”

Kai slammed his laptop closed and stood up from the blue plastic folding table he used as both desk and dinner table.  He paced back and forth in his tiny studio apartment, his anger building with each step.  

“I’m allergic to water, you a*****e!” Kai shouted uselessly at the closed laptop.  

Again he touched the scar, a gift from his first encounter with rain when he was five.  He remembered his parents freaking when the angry red line appeared.  He had screamed, in agony, until he lost his voice.  They had covered him before any more drops could touch him and had taken him to the doctors.  In the end, the only thing the doctors could figure out was that the rain had set off an allergy.  As time went on he found out that almost all water could set off a reaction.  Rain was the worst, like acid on his skin, but even tap water would make him itch and swell.  Only reverse-osmosis, deionized water didn’t cause problems.  It made bathing a pain in the neck, but he got by.

Now here he was, twenty eight years old, drowning in debt because of the high-end water filtration unit he had to have retrofitted in his crappy apartment, and to top it all off, he was scared to go outside.  He slumped defeated onto the futon after shoving some clean laundry aside.  His whole apartment shook for a moment as a train pulled out from the platform two stories below his window.  He didn’t even really hear the noise anymore, but he hated the shaking. 

Dirty dishes in the sink of Kai’s kitchenette clanked and rattled.  Though to call a micro-fridge and sink a kitchenette is probably a gross exaggeration.  Across the room the tiny TV shook but it was bolted to the cheap Walmart dresser which was screwed to the floor.  There were scratches in the golden oak veneer of the top of the dresser that showed where a much larger TV had once held sway, but it had been a victim of another train.  If there had been pictures on the walls, they would have been left askew; but the barren surfaces meant that wasn’t a problem.

Once the train had finally passed, Kai stood up, the fake brown leather of the futon cushion sticking slightly to his arms.  He went back to his laptop and opened it, intending to work on one of the websites for his clients.  Web development didn’t really interest Kai, but it was something he could do to make money without having to chance a sudden shower outside.  Good intentions or no, he ended up on that bane of productivity, Facebook.  An old friend he had all but forgotten had tagged him in a photo from high school.  As he studied the picture, Kai realized he hadn’t changed much in ten years.  Dark hair a little on the shaggy side, dark eyes, a little too lean with a sharp face accentuated by the scar and an aquiline nose.  Really, all he had added since then was a bit of stubble and a lot of cynicism.

It didn’t take long for him to get tired of reading about how happy everyone was, what with their spouses, and their kids, and their jobs, and their being able to go outside without having to worry about dying from a massive case of rain.  Again he slammed his laptop shut but this time, he was less angry and more depressed.  Was this all there was for him?  Alone, with nothing to look forward to except begrudging other people’s happiness? 

Kai got up and walked to the cabinet above the sink.  He opened the cabinet door, hooking his fingers on the edge, the rusty handle had fallen off months ago, and reached for the half empty bottle of whiskey.  He paused and considered the bottle of pills next to the alcohol.  There were about thirty painkillers left from when he broke his toe last fall.  He had tripped while running into a building after hearing some thunder.   Thirty pills, that was probably more than enough to… 

“S**t,” muttered Kai and swung the cabinet shut, leaving both whiskey and pills untouched.  

He went to the solitary window, pulled the string to raise the ugly tan blinds and looked outside.  Dark angry clouds greeted him as he scanned the midday sky, he took a fearful step back but then laughed bitterly as he thought about an old joke his brother loved, 'What could possibly make Aquaman more gay?  If he was scared of water, like you!'  It was a senselessly spiteful joke, but Kai had heard it a lot and it always made him just angry enough to face his fear.  

He stepped back to the window but this time looked down instead of up.  Sounds of distant horns angrily informing the world that there was another traffic jam nearby made Kai grin bitterly, reminding him of one of the few things he wasn't sad he was missing out on.   The train platform caught his eye, it being one of the few interesting things to see in an otherwise drab and boring neighborhood.  Dirty grey concrete and rusty girders almost cage-like in their arrangement contrasted with the lively people bustling busily about.  Kai watched the people waiting, the little girl being forced into a yellow rain slicker by her mother in anticipation of the storm.  The inevitable couple, holding hands and smiling at each other, fools in love.  The policeman walking his beat making sure no one steps out of line.  The hustle and bustle of a normal life he will never know.

Kai sighed and turned, he might as well try to work again.  Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a flash of yellow drop onto the tracks.  A quick scan confirms what he dreads, the little girl has fallen onto the tracks.  To his horror, Kai realizes no one else has noticed!  The mother is talking to someone and hasn’t realized her daughter has wandered off.  Kai glances at the alarm clock next to the TV.  12:55, the next train arrives in five minutes or less.

 

“S**t.  S**t, s**t, s**t,” yells Kai as he puts on his brown tennis shoes without socks, no time.  

No raincoat or umbrella, he never thought anything could get him to go out in the rain.  He doesn’t have to go out there, it’s not really his problem.  

“But it’s a little girl!” he says arguing with himself. 

Kai runs out of the apartment, leaving the door slightly ajar, no time for locks.  He skips the elevator and barrels down the stairs, sometimes taking two or three at a time.  He feels a twinge in the toe he had broken but he ignores it.  He jumps the last couple of steps onto the ground floor landing and bursts into the lobby.  An old couple wearing matching red sweaters and Henry, the super, stop in the middle of a conversation to look at him as he rushes by.

“Hey, Kai,” calls Henry a worried look crossing his face, “It looks like rain out there.”

But Kai is already in the street and sprinting towards the platform.   He can hear the train in the distance, an angry clacking noise like some monster out of a nightmare come to stalk its prey.  A peal of thunder stops Kai dead and nearly stops his heart.  He can taste the ozone in the air.  For a split second he considers running back inside, but his feet have already started moving towards the platform again.  He dashes up the stairs to the second story landing weaving in and out of people going in the opposite direction.

A voice rises about the crowd calling for Emma, and then the voice is drowned out by the train’s horn as it approaches.  Kai runs straight for the last place he saw the yellow and jumps down on the tracks.  People yell and gasp and the train is less than a hundred yards away.  Kai sees the little girl, Emma, lying unconscious, her back up against the concrete of the platform and one leg splayed across the track.  He grabs her and manages to toss her back onto the platform and the drag himself out just before the train arrives, its wheels squealing. 

The people on the platform cheer and Emma’s mother hugs her little girl, looking up at Kai with grateful eyes, but crying too hard to say anything.  Another boom of thunder.  Salvation ten short steps away.  The exuberant crowd presses in around him.  Too late to get to cover.  And the heavens unleash a torrent of rain.

Kai Screams.

And then blackness.

Kai wakes up drenched to the bone, cold but surprisingly pain free.  

“Are you all right, mister?” says a young voice.  

Kai groans and sits up.  Emma is there looking at him curiously, her mother talking to a nearby policeman.  

“Mama, mama, the hero’s awaked up!” says Emma.  

Kai stands up and looks around, the rain is still falling but it doesn’t hurt.  He rubs his scar absently, almost as if he’s checking to make sure it’s still there. 

“All you all right sir?” asks the Policeman. 

But Kai doesn’t answer, he’s too busy laughing, and crying, and living. 

Author's Note

My main focus in this was working on character development and being more descriptive, please let me know how I did!

Reviews

[Dante Carlisle]

You definitely did a fantastic job of character development, since that was your goal. And I thoroughly enjoyed the story.

But, as we're all writers, we're absolute gluttons for punishment. So, here's my criticism. The only one I'll point out is this: This guy doesn't seem at all altruistic, or the type to save a child.

Prior to his running into the rainstorm, he's consumed with bitterness and disdain for the world outside. From the development aspect, he really isn't the type of character to risk himself by running outside to save the girl. If you spiked his disdain with a bit of regret, it would feel a little better.

I definitely felt that you were trying to paint a bit of regret in there, thus the depression, but it felt like a splash of self-pity, rather than regret for not getting to live that life. Perhaps a bit of melancholy at not being able to be involved in his 'friends' lives, rather than envy for what they had. That's my only real critique on this, fantastically done, and I loved the character you drew here.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you!

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

This was an amazing story. Loved it, loved it, loved it. Nice job.

Kaze~

[Gregory Stires]

you really did good on the character development and being more descriptive. i like how you included info on his past so we knew how kai got his scar. i like how even though he was allergic to water he chose to ignore his allergy to save the little girl. although one question i have is why is he living in a climate like that if he is allergic to water? is it becasue he has no choice or cant afford to move? overall i think it was a great story.

[DaughterNature]

Before I give my review, I want to remind you that I respect you as a writer and am providing this review as a way for us all to continually re-examine our writing and improve.
The email from the doctor is a little weird to me -- I understand that you're trying to tease the reader, but would a doctor really write an email like that? Instead of telling us that Kai uses the table as a dinner table and a desk, show us -- like, as he shuts the laptop his arm could hit piled up dishes?
Not to get all sciency, but the "allergy" you created is basically impossible. I think you may have had this in mind: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aquagenic_urticaria
But, unfortunately, the reaction on his face you described would not occur via histamines or via urticaria (although it would if one were struck by lightning or otherwise burned, or in fact cut like the sword-fighter idea) -- not to mention how unrealistic I found it that your character's first interaction with rain was at 5 years old. Additionally, although "reverse-osmosis" is a fun, sciency-sounding word, it's not as pure a filtration system as distilled water, and deionized just means that the salts (ions) have been removed from the water. If distilled, deionized water was safe for your character, that would mean that he was allergic to a dissolved solid in the water, not the H2O itself.
Why is Kai afraid to go outside? If it's nice out, no worries; if it's raining, wear rain gear and carry an umbrella. Not to nitpick, but whiskey has water in it... So does food, come to think of it...
I understand you're trying to create an unlikely hero, but if his apartment is so close that he can see all these details and feel the entire shaking of the trains, then couldn't he just open his window and yell a warning?
Whoa, tense change! When Kai yells "S**t, s**t, s**t!" you change verb tense from past to present -- keep your continuity! While we're on the subject of verbs, remember my advice about "was" and its lack of power -- try to describe even the surroundings using stronger verbs.
The resolution is nice, and does fit with the description of urticaria (not usually occurring in adults), but with the issues with the reasons behind the plot, it doesn't really have much power.

[jjwilbourne]

The payoff at the end is satisfying.
I didn't quite see it coming. But I think you actually foreshadowed it properly.
I also like the idea that he not only saved the little girl, but in doing so, he saved himself.

[Rick r]

Check and check. Well done, and more. I like the concept of the allergy, and the ending. An enjoyable read all around.
rick

[Margo Seuss]

It's good to read a story from you, as usually I'm reading a clever poem. I like this idea of a man allergic to water...I don't understand how he suddenly got over it though...I'm guessing the 'allergy' thing is just in his head? Bitter characters with warm hearts are my favourite sort of character. Therefore, I applaud this Kai person. I also beleived your description to be quite good as well. It is difficult to find the right amount of description. You don't want to over do it so that there is nothing left for the reader to imagine..but you don't want to leave too much unwritten either (because then there is no foundation for the reader's imagination). My only suggestion would be to make the whole allergy thing more clear. Is he actually allergic to water or is it all in his head? If it is in his head, how did he really get the scar? Character development takes time! It's taken me years to develop my characters. And they still continue to develop. As for description, you built an adequate structure for my inner tv!

[Emma Olsen]

You DEFINITELY succeeded in improving on character development and description. I could see everything and I really felt that the character progressed and changed. I really felt like I was in the character's head and empathized with him, and the descriptions both progressed the story and provided and interesting, unique scene.

I did have a few basic questions which distracted me from the story, unfortunately. The first was why, if he works remotely, he'd chosen to live in this particular climate? If I had an allergy to water, I'd move somewhere dry, like California or Arizona or etc. (I'm assuming he's in the states, but if not, I'm sure there are correlating places) It just seemed strange to me, like it needed more explanation. Maybe he doesn't have enough money to move or something, but it just bothered me and took me out of the story.
The other question has more to do with your plot, I'm afraid. I'm not sure how far he is from the train station or how high up he is in his building (though maybe I missed it?), but I don't understand why he didn't try to yell or anything . . . why was his first action to run out and save her when he might've been able to attract some attention and get someone to be able to go help her out faster? This reeaaally bothered me, especially as your character's development hinged on it. I do want him to go out and get her - but I don't think it was explained to me adequately why, exactly, it had to be him and why he specifically had to run out of his building to get her. This could probably be resolved by clarifying distance, but then the question of why he didn't yell out becomes more prominent. Maybe instead he yells out, no one bothers listening, and so he charges down?
Finally, I'm not sure why he screams, blacks out, and then it suddenly doesn't hurt? Does he psyche himself out, or does it actually hurt him and then he gets used to it? I get this is probably in reference to the allergy dissipating somewhat, and I like that it coincides with his character development, but the way you've written it, at least, makes it sound like it hurts and then suddenly stops . . . Maybe put in some more anticipation and then surprise as it doesn't hurt, rather than blacking out. He can still scream, but blacking out seems a bit extreme. I would expect him to run for the nearest cover, instead, or something to show how his agency has changed and that he's willing to take risks rather than be a victim or bystander. As he runs, he could realize the rain doesn't hurt or hurts a lot less. Somehow, the allergy disappearing completely seems a bit strange to me, but maybe he's much more tolerant? Though, reading up a bit it seems they can completely disappear, so that might be alright. It's mostly just his reaction.
I also wonder how long it's been since he last encountered unfiltered water and had a bad reaction. Saying that he stopped trying long ago or that the last time he tried was recent and it still hurt or something might help - though, maybe, clarifying that he's avoided unfiltered water heavily might make it seem less like magic when he's suddenly alright in all that water. lol

Overall, I think you've established a character and setting much better, but some more clarifying details about the setting will help provide clarity to your characters decisions. I can come back and try to be more thorough, but I think you've improved a lot - I just need to understand motivations a bit more. Maybe a little more dialogue might be helpful in some things, too, like a phone conversation with his doctor, rather than an email. I want to see who he portrays himself as, too, rather than simply who he thinks he is. Outer dialogue versus inner monologue, do you know what I mean?

At any rate good job!

[roarke]

Clean, clear writing. Straight line narrative, a story with focus. Heroes are made of this.

[C. Rose]

I noticed you publish this but figured I'd get to it after editing On Being Born and Naked, but then it suddenly hit me that this was from my writing prompt and I was too excited to go in the proper order. Also too excited to take the time to use the Constructive Critics' Story Critique Checklist, at least not on the first time through.

A few line by liners:
“a bit of stubble and a lot of cynicism” - Nice.
“as it was that wasn't a problem.” - Typo
“You're blood tests confirmed” - your
“the inevitable couple” - Nice.
How much does Henry know? Consider a remark about how Henry doesn't know about Kai's condition and it is ironic (that's irony right?) or a remark about how Henry does know and that was a mean thing to say or a cautionary thing to say. Without a follow up there are a distracting number of interpretations.
“strait” - straight
“he mother” - her mother
“the hero's awaked up” - intentional or typo?

Great character. I often chastise people for starting with character revelation, but you fully expand and build up to it with the ambiguous yet emphatic doctor's letter. I felt like all of his choices and emotions were fully explained.

On setting. I could see the apartment, yet the setting did not overwhelm the story as often happens when writers focus on being more descriptive. Dodged that bullet. However the train scene - I realize it is dramatic and fast, but I could not see it as well as I could the apartment. True most people know what train stations look like and the focus of this part shouldn't be bogged down by description. Before the drama, when Kai is looking up and then down - consider adding more visual description (or even auditory of the chatter below) here.

Super excited you wrote this. At first I was concerned that "water allergy" sounds ridiculous - but you play it out to the end. (And my friend just told me that exists. Wow. Never mind.)

I'll come back at it with the Constructive Critics' Story Critique Checklist when I am less excitable.

Negative Constructiveness - I don't like the title. Rain Man makes me think of many other pieces, movies and songs etc. Just the Rain. Just a little rain. - off the top of my head suggestions.


Courtesy of the Constructive Critics group

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you for the review!

I made edits to address most of what you talked about. read moreThank you for the review!

I made edits to address most of what you talked about.

"The hero's awaked up" is an intentional typo to make the girl seem younger.

The title I'll leave for now, but what do you think of "It's Only the Rain." It would be a nod to a Billy Dean song, "It's Only the Wind," which has a great lyric, "It's only the wind, nothing more, not the end of the world knocking at the door." Drop 'rain' in there instead of 'wind' and you have a nice little hidden commentary/foreshadowing for the story.

The water allergy thing is your fault! ;) When I saw your prompt I said aloud, "Why did she have to be so damned specific." I'm a pragmatist at heart and since I wanted to do a fairly realistic story (not go the Cotton Candy People route ala Asimov) the only way I could justify Ombrophobia to myself was to give the guy a good reason to be afraid, and an allergy was born!

Again, thank you for the thorough review as well as the prompt itself!

TTFN,
Lawrence

[Abizar Bagasrawala]

This is a great review