Out of Stock

A fun little poem that has a hidden edge.

Due to unforeseen demand,

Of tomorrows, we're completely out of stock,

But if you want some broken dreams

We sell them by the flock!

You see, when we first started

Our customers were few,

But now we have six billion plus,

and don’t know what to do!

Author's Note

Does the rhythm work? Is the meaning subtle yet clear?

Reviews

[C. Rose]

If I say the first line like an announcement and pause, the rhythm falls in place.
If I say the first line plain or standard, the next line is off the pace.
MWAHAHA I RHYMED MY REVIEW. Anyways.

You asked about the subtle meaning. I thought the meaning was that ... um... lot's of people want a good future? I found the piece witty and was amused from the second line on - but now I'm worried I'm missing the "subtle meaning".

I am realizing that being constructive to poems is a completely different ballpark than being constructive to stories.

[LawrenceRaybon]

It's meant to be a subtle comment on overpopulation and a lament for future generations who will have to get by with less and less. I look at the first couple of lines to see if I can't get the rhythm right, maybe: "Due to unforeseen demand - of tomorrows, we're completely out of stock"? Thanks for the helpful comments and the review!

[C. Rose]

That makes more sense. I think I was thrown by how they started with "just a few" customers. This made me think it was a trend that spread from a few to the entire population and not realize you meant overpopulation.

I've said the first two lines too many times. It doesn't sound like words right now. I'll come back to it.

[Cory Barrett]

I think if you remove "completely" from the second line it flows with out a hiccup.

[C. Rose]

"Due to unforeseen demand - of tomorrows, we're out of stock". Is that what you are saying Streamline?

[LawrenceRaybon]

Structure wise, ideally it would be something like:
----------------------
Due to unforeseen demand
'Tomorrows' - Out of Stock
----------------------------
But it just feels so unclear to me which is why I'm leaning towards:
----------------------------------
Due to unforeseen demand,
Of tomorrows, we're completely out of stock.
-------------------------
The issue is that the second line should have six beats but I can figure out how to cram in the meaning when 'tomorrow' and 'out of stock' take all six beats! Thanks for helping me on this!

[Cory Barrett]

I like the sarcasm in the poem, and I found you poem to come trough loud and clear, no subtly needed.